Help How to overcome self doubt and blind hope?

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

Every time I try to make an attempt I seem to be overcome with this feeling that I can make everything work out, that things will get better and they obviously subsequently do not and I'm stuck in the same position.

I'm sick and tired of holding it off, trying to make things better for myself only for it to get worse. Enough is enough now, how much more bullshit do I have to put myself through?

My mind is literally breaking down on itself and cannot function anymore, I cry every single day, I struggle so much. I just want to leave this planet and not come back but its like something within me won't allow myself to do it and it sucks and I hate it.

My brain needs to understand that things will not ever get better and then I'll be able to move forward.

 

[Theon]

It's the inherent SI we all have.

 

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

It's the inherent SI we all have.

I hate it.

I've tried to kill myself countless times and life never gets better after each and every attempt.

This needs to be my final attempt. I literally don't have the mental capacity to deal with my current circumstances anymore so I'm hoping the direness of my situation will be enough to send me over the edge.

 

[not_a_robot]

I really wonder if manipulating brainwaves by binaural stimulation does anything. I once messed with Delta wave stimulators and I think I briefly tricked myself into believing I saw god, but it could've just been pms. I felt all teary and enlightened for a day then I went "waaaait a minute... I was sleeping with Delta waves." And that killed it.
Might be something to read up on.

Brainwave entrainment - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[Ruffian]

I have similar feelings and expectations. It is a difficult place to be. I just predicted another year, maybe 18 months for myself for the most part. I know how you want that certainty, but probably since a lot of life isn't certain, death may be the same. I cry every day as well, and go back and forth. I am envious sometimes that people make the decision and can just do it. I think that's the most we can control; that we do our chosen method as perfectly as possible. I don't have better words for you, but I can let you know I relate.