How to overcome limerence?

[cosmic-realism]

I posted about this before and I am embarrassed to do so once again.But,I have no choice.

I am pretty ugly and this is the first time,someone of the opposite gender has paid attention to me.I am misjudging everything.Nothing just very friendly behavior out of the blue from someone.We work together occassionally.


He is acting strange all of a sudden.

We had a hearty conversation through text.Very friendly,nothing serious.


I am stuck in limerence.I ended up breaking down and taking medication to calm down.I know he thinks that I'm a gullible clown.I have seen all of what life has to show,but I do not have any experience in this field.Please give me some advice on how to shatter this illusion.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I struggled with having the courage for this but initially- I think you need to ascertain whether there is anything genuine there. Which is tricky really without coming out and saying you like them. Still, if you asked them out for coffee or to watch a film or something, I would have thought their reaction would give you a good idea. I literally wasted years on this shit! It probably could have been avoided if I'd worked out earlier there was no hope!

As for limerence itself. I found, I had to stop myself day dreaming about them in a romantic/ sexual way. Which can be tricky because, it can be really nice. But, I know long-term now, it causes me pain so, I'm much more disciplined now. But yeah- once you stop feeding the hope of that, I've found it starts to weaken. That's my experience anyway. Oh- and to keep telling myself that it is limerence. It's just what I do. With a bit of discipline, it will pass in a few days (if I don't keep feeding it that is.) Sorry though- it wreaks havoc.

Also, YouTube does some good videos on it... I would recommend: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'.

 

[derpyderpins]

It's tough, for sure, and you aren't alone. For my younger instances eventually it was just time and eventually finding someone new, and a lot of shitty lyrics scribbled in all my college notebooks.

Most recent one was just before I met my wife. We hooked up and she broke my heart so I realized what an empty shell she was.

I guess then there are two paths. Complete separation would be preferred, but if you can't separate confronting it to shatter the illusion can be an option.

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

Firstly I just wanna say I 100% know what you're going through and it's tough.

Limerence is caused by insecurity or underlying conditions like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Depression, etc. you probably had severe rejection or neglect trauma from your parents or society, and your brain convinces you that your obsession with your limerent object will save you from yourself and the world. It's usually someone that you have a very low chance of realistically being with because of your inner urge to prove yourself as worthy of validation and love, stemming from as I mentioned insecurity.

I think if you want limerence to stop happening you need to do a whole 180 on your entire mindset, like actually work on healing your childhood abandonment and rejection trauma or getting your mental problems in check. It's going to be difficult and it'll take a while though.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wish I had a better answer than "just let time take its course until I get a new limerence object" but it's the only solution I've had for the past 20 years.

 

[cosmic-realism]

I wish I had a better answer than "just let time take its course until I get a new limerence object" but it's the only solution I've had for the past 20 years.

For the first time in my life,I feel like I was taken to the sky and then shoved down back to Earth.I fell fast and I fell hard,it hurts very badly.Even if I know the reality,it all feels like a dream.


I have never had this experience before and it feels terrible,given how my entire life,I have been under a monster's thumb and my mom is chronically sick and is abused.

 

[cosmic-realism]

Firstly I just wanna say I 100% know what you're going through and it's tough.

Limerence is caused by insecurity or underlying conditions like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Depression, etc. you probably had severe rejection or neglect trauma from your parents or society, and your brain convinces you that your obsession with your limerent object will save you from yourself and the world. It's usually someone that you have a very low chance of realistically being with because of your inner urge to prove yourself as worthy of validation and love, stemming from as I mentioned insecurity.

I think if you want limerence to stop happening you need to do a whole 180 on your entire mindset, like actually work on healing your childhood abandonment and rejection trauma or getting your mental problems in check. It's going to be difficult and it'll take a while though.

That's understandable.From the day I was born,I haven't known any stability.


And I have never had normal experiences that everybody else has.

I was always bullied at school.It was only in university I was able to make a close friend whom I feel grounded with.Not that I didn't have friends before,I did.But there was always this gap I could sense.And now him,nobody of the opposite gender ever joked around like that.It's pathetic that I wait days together for his text and it never shows up.I don't want to look invasive,or rather have my pride crushed by messaging him first all the time.


I'm checking my phone a million times and it feels like my soul is sucked out of me.

I struggled with having the courage for this but initially- I think you need to ascertain whether there is anything genuine there. Which is tricky really without coming out and saying you like them. Still, if you asked them out for coffee or to watch a film or something, I would have thought their reaction would give you a good idea. I literally wasted years on this shit! It probably could have been avoided if I'd worked out earlier there was no hope!

As for limerence itself. I found, I had to stop myself day dreaming about them in a romantic/ sexual way. Which can be tricky because, it can be really nice. But, I know long-term now, it causes me pain so, I'm much more disciplined now. But yeah- once you stop feeding the hope of that, I've found it starts to weaken. That's my experience anyway. Oh- and to keep telling myself that it is limerence. It's just what I do. With a bit of discipline, it will pass in a few days (if I don't keep feeding it that is.) Sorry though- it wreaks havoc.

Also, YouTube does some good videos on it... I would recommend: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'.

I just know he is going laugh his head off ,if I even ask something along those lines.He barely replies to my texts.Sometimes he replies a lot and sometimes just nothing.I'm wayyyy below his standard.He does and says the most goofy things,and finds excuses to touch my hand.He wasn't that touchy feely before.

Thank you very much forever sleep,I watched her video and it put things into perspective.It just takes time,I guess.I'll start to go low contact with him.