how to not accidentally leading someone on

[moya117]

when i tried to search for a friend, they ask for my socials and i give them that bcs i genuinely wanna be friends but we're not even close they started flirting with me, now i don't mind flirting but only when i know them enough and i can tell by the way they're flirting, they want something more than friend. ofc i tell them not to flirt with me and i don't flirt back, but then there's a new problem, when they subtly flirting with you, like not directly but i can still tell they are, how do i tell them that im not comfortable? i don't want to lead them on
i only feel this way towards men bcs they ofc view me as a woman bcs of my appearance

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Girl, set your boundaries now before things get dangerous. If they can't take "no" for an answer when you say you're not comfortable with something, then they are not worth your time. Do not let loneliness trick you into bad situation. You can be kind and simply say "Hey, I'm ok being friends, but I don't want things to move so quickly, please respect my wishes". If this is a case where you do want it to move into something more, don't let them force it on you, do it at YOUR pace.

 

[moya117]

Girl, set your boundaries now before things get dangerous. If they can't take "no" for an answer when you say you're not comfortable with something, then they are not worth your time. Do not let loneliness trick you into bad situation. You can be kind and simply say "Hey, I'm ok being friends, but I don't want things to move so quickly, please respect my wishes". If this is a case where you do want it to move into something more, don't let them force it on you, do it at YOUR pace.

thank you, i will just copy that phrase since i don't know how to say it in other words, but im a bit sad that when a "woman" tried to be friends with someone, most men think that they get a chance to be in a relationship more than friends, do you have any tips? i would like to be friends with fellow girls as well but somehow it's more harder to befriend them, especially when they already have their own bestfriends or groups

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Most males can't see past their own balls in terms of friendships with females. It's sad, but it is what it is. Females on the other hand usually have an easier time finding cliques to be a part of and it's hard to become integrated into one because you often have to reshape yourself as a person just to conform to their norms. What's your normal method of socializing? Usually you have to have close friends via shared hobbies or get-togethers.

 

[moya117]

Most males can't see past their own balls in terms of friendships with females. It's sad, but it is what it is. Females on the other hand usually have an easier time finding cliques to be a part of and it's hard to become integrated into one because you often have to reshape yourself as a person just to conform to their norms. What's your normal method of socializing? Usually you have to have close friends via shared hobbies or get-togethers.

i have close friends that are girls, but lately i don't feel like they care about me, even calling me cringe bcs i express my excitement so i don't feel like im their best friend in a way. searching irl is more difficult, some of them litarally will leave you if they have a boyfriend, or if they're not like that then i have a hard time to be close to them. searching it online is the only way, i tried joining a lot of groupchats that consist the hobby i like but i don't know it just doesn't work

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

If they're calling cringe over you being excited, that's a massive sign of immaturity on their part. IRL friends are overrated tbh, especially these days where you can meet so many people online. The biggest thing to understand first and foremost is what YOU want out of a friendship, that way you can go into a social setting with tempered expectations as to what to get out of an interaction. Friendships are not built in a day, they take time and many interactions to get to know others personally and feel out if they're worth your time and vice versa.

 

[moya117]

If they're calling cringe over you being excited, that's a massive sign of immaturity on their part. IRL friends are overrated tbh, especially these days where you can meet so many people online. The biggest thing to understand first and foremost is what YOU want out of a friendship, that way you can go into a social setting with tempered expectations as to what to get out of an interaction. Friendships are not built in a day, they take time and many interactions to get to know others personally and feel out if they're worth your time and vice versa.

thank you for explaining it to me. im jealous of girls that have girl bestfriend yk, they make it sounds easy, in my whole life i only have 2 close girl friends, like how can y'all do that

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Don't put too much onus on what somebody has in the moment. Friends often come and go, people drift apart, interests change, folks move on. I've had many IRL friends I've considered "best friends" fade away over time. Even now, I can count all my IRL friends on one hand and still have a couple fingers to spare. Even most of my online friends drive me up a wall sometimes. Friends should always be a supplement to your personhood, not a core component, otherwise you risk not being a person in and of yourself and that's a quick way to never have friends.

 

[moya117]

Don't put too much onus on what somebody has in the moment. Friends often come and go, people drift apart, interests change, folks move on. I've had many IRL friends I've considered "best friends" fade away over time. Even now, I can count all my IRL friends on one hand and still have a couple fingers to spare. Even most of my online friends drive me up a wall sometimes. Friends should always be a supplement to your personhood, not a core component, otherwise you risk not being a person in and of yourself and that's a quick way to never have friends.

damn, harsh truth : (((. I'll try to work with this info

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Keep your head up high the best you can, it's not all doom and gloom, even when it gets hard. Sending you well wishes <3

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Imo , that person can never be your friend, they wouldn't be able to even if they wanted. You should just tell them you are not comfortable, obviously, you know that person best, if they are someone who could understand , tell them upfront but if you feel any kind of fear about them, tell them over the phone, I say this , partly because your friend makes me a bit paranoid but because I KNOW how people can react to things, be safe.

You deserve to have friends who are boys that can understand you and don't see you as a mere object; coming from a very conservative country, most boys that didn't take no from an answer here, as in they keep pressuring the girl or even other boys for things that they want, drugs, money, cheating at school or at work, etc; were not very kind in their day to day life , let's just keep it at that, my life philosophy for any type of relationships (that I make once in a blue moon) is: it's not a failed friendship if you are not compatible, it's a bullet dodged.

Most of my fellow boys and men can't comprehend that, same goes with some older women (which I think might be because of the even shittier boys and men which became fathers of times past), in fact I don't think they want to some days, if I choose someone at random, they most likely won't understand it, they have some sort of superiority complex, they could never see themselves rejected in anything and they will NEVER go "Well that person doesn't have much in common with me, it's fine, that friendship wouldn't have lasted" , they'll always go "I'll show them, thinking they are better than me" , it's always some sort of secret agenda their ego makes up and that can be dangerous, I've seen it, I've experienced it and not only boys but girls to can do that shit, it's better to forget about these people, no matter how hard it might be to comprehend that you can't do anything about it.

If you have the option , politely decline the friendship and end on neutral terms while you can still have a civilized conversation, their friend groups aren't much better than them analzying the fact that they barely understand you or your wishes, don't expect to meet other likeminded people around them from that time you accept their behaviour onwards.

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

Probably sound super pathetic but the first genuine female interaction (outside of my immediately family) I had was from someone I met here. It was extremely hard not to fall in head first and start having fantasies when that's literally your first time experiencing something like that. The relationship ended on a bitter note, but we are still kinda in contact. If I happen to go through the same stuff again, I don't think I can keep control of myself despite knowing better... as GhostInTheMachine so eloquently put it, "Most males can't see past their own balls in terms of friendships with females."

Most guys here are probably like me, specially the young ones. Introverted, lonely and depressed their whole life. So yeah, you may find it a bit hard to find someone in the opposite sex who won't get attached to you after having such extensive convo on sust delicate topic here on SaSu. I'm not condoning the actions of the guys that you had such negative interactions with, we are pathetic, extremely so. But hopefully trying to make u understand the other side.

However, you still shouldn't give them an inch if you are not interested. Try not to let loneliness choose you the path you would not want for yourself.