Help How To Move Forward While Remaining Broken?

[kane]

I feel like I'm stuck in an endless mental loop:

1. I realise I'm not going to kill myself because I'm too afraid & I don't want to devastate my family. Therefore...
2. All that remains is to try to minimize the suffering I cause myself while I'm still here. So...
3. I'll list out a bunch of ideas of ways to improve things, and sometimes I'll even do something small towards them. Until...
4. I'll get hit by some reminder of how lonely/hopeless it all is, that I'll never feel close to anyone, or at peace with the world. That ultimately I'll always be alone. I get sucked back into all the regret, guilt, shame, & despair. It feels unbearable, so I turn to self-destructive behaviours looking for an escape. Then...
5. My behavioural escapes stop working, and I'm left feeling even worse, wanting it all to stop. So...
6. I waste more hours of my life thinking about ending it. And repeat.

I don't think I believe in "recovery" for me. I can't imagine a version of myself that isn't lonely, full of regret, and afraid. But I need to figure out a better way of being broken that helps me to make things less painful for myself (and those who have the misfortune to care about me.) I guess I'm looking for advice/inspiration, though possibly more as something to bounce off and find my own way (contrariness is one of my many flaws.) Any thoughts appreciated.

 

[Mia Wallace]

The two things that help me are working out even when I don't want to. Boosts my energy, helps curb anxiety levels and gives me a sense of accomplishment even if it's just a 20 min HIIT session. I also am interested in law of attraction, energy, spirituality and metaphysics. There's podcasts, books and YouTube channels on these topics and it's interesting to me so it's a distraction to help pull me out of my own mind. Hugs!

 

[timf]

I need to figure out a better way of being broken that helps me to make things less painful for myself

I think you have the best perspective. Recovery as a totality can seem unreal and daunting. Making slight improvements can make each day more manageable. Over time you might be amazed at the progress you can make.

 

[kane]

I need to figure out a better way of being broken that helps me to make things less painful for myself

I think you have the best perspective. Recovery as a totality can seem unreal and daunting. Making slight improvements can make each day more manageable. Over time you might be amazed at the progress you can make.

Thank you, that's really encouraging.

 

[Siclop]

you married or have a girlfriend? can be a thing thats can broken that circle in your life

 

[kane]

you married or have a girlfriend? can be a thing thats can broken that circle in your life

No, I think I'd need to improve a lot of things before I'd be ready for a relationship.

 

[brutalus]

i recommend drugs and sleep. they are temporary deaths.

 

[Siclop]

No, I think I'd need to improve a lot of things before I'd be ready for a relationship.

well dont need much to be honest, but if u think so start working in that, start with small things u can improve and go on, if u keep pushing u gonna have sucess at some point, no matter what you do you cant change the past, so focus on the future, things can happens if u work to it

 

[kane]

i recommend drugs and sleep. they are temporary deaths.

Sleep is always good advice, but tricky for me. I have some minor health issues that make it hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. Sleeping pills help a bit, but leave me drowsy the next day, which makes functioning more difficult. Haven't really tried any other drugs - I have a very addictive personality, and I worry about becoming dependent. Plus I don't really have the money.

 

[brutalus]

Sleep is always good advice, but tricky for me. I have some minor health issues that make it hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. Sleeping pills help a bit, but leave me drowsy the next day, which makes functioning more difficult. Haven't really tried any other drugs - I have a very addictive personality, and I worry about becoming dependent. Plus I don't really have the money.

start with cheap weed and alcohol. they help you sleep too. addiction is just a tendency to avoid pain. only worry about it if you still believe in life.