Help How To Let Go Of Things When They Feel Essential?

[kane]

I have an overwhelming longing for connection, which I don't think it's possible for me to really fulfil. There are these huge parts of myself and my past which I know are morally unacceptable, which I can't risk disclosing to a partner (for legal reasons as much as anything). So even if I was with someone, I would essentially be hiding who I really am from them, deceiving them into being in a relationship. I don't think I could ever feel a sense of connection with someone, knowing that if they really knew me they would hate me. I think I'd still feel isolated and alone, guilty and anxious. There's this need to feel accepted, cared for as I actually am (rather than for a lie I've created about myself.)

So this intense longing can't be fulfilled. It would be better if I stopped feeling it so much. It messes up my sleep schedule and leaves me feeling deeply depressed during the day. I go to sleep wanting there to be someone here that understands me and cares about me, and I wake up wondering what the point is if that's not possible. I'm still alive because I'm scared of death, and I know it would devastate my family (who don't really know me) if I ended it. But I have no positive motivation for living. My life isn't for anything, or toward anything. I'm just here, until I die of natural causes, or get so miserable that I don't even care about family. I don't really believe in anything, or care about anything else deeply enough (I have tried to artificially create goals). But I still need to function. I need to work, and focus, and clean my house, and sleep. I need my mind to not be constantly searching for some solution to this impossible problem - to not be longing for something that doesn't exist.

So I suppose what I'm asking for is better ways to manage my own mind, so that I don't get so fixated on the things I can't have which feel essential. So that I can just fall asleep at night and wake up and get on with things the next day, without being constantly consumed by the absence of anyone who cares. Basically so that I'm ok being completely alone, for the rest of my life, until I die. That feels so bleak to say, but that's kind of the point - I need to no be so wrapped up in how bleak it feels. I need to be able to tune out the despair that it generates. To be ok with the situation, however bleak. Because it's pointless emotion, and there's no solution to it. I'm driving myself crazy subconsciously trying to figure out a solution, when rationally I know there is none.

Anyway, any tips appreciated.

 

[Celerity]

I don't have the same reasons as you do for avoiding a partner (and I probably don't need to since they avoid me just fine), but I can absolutely relate to wanting to desist with this longing. It is very painful. If I had a good answer, I would give it to you.

The only advice I can offer is unfortunately generic:
to focus on one day at a time and to not spend time ruminating about where your life has been and where it is going, to spend time as much time as possible in fictional worlds (books or TV or whatever) that don't have a heavy focus on love, and to try to zero in on creature comforts like food.

 

[timf]

There is a book hundreds of years old called "Pilgrim's Progress" about a man attempting to go through life carrying a "burden". It sounds like the burden you are carrying has placed you in a sort of prison.

You mentioned a legal aspect to your burden. Is there anyway that you could make a payment that would lighten your burden. For example if there is a criminal element, could you pay say 3-5 years and remove this from hanging over your head. It might be worth it if you could make a payment and start fresh.

Some people have done shameful things in their past and have been able to find forgiveness and acceptance from others. It is difficult as few people are inclined to forgive, but they are out there. Some of the people in AA can describe this difficult path.

 

[kane]

to spend time as much time as possible in fictional worlds (books or TV or whatever) that don't have a heavy focus on love, and to try to zero in on creature comforts like food.

That's a good point about fictional worlds that don't focus on love - I find even the romantic subplots of a lot of stuff leaves me feeling worse. I used to love food as a way to feel a bit better, but unfortunately stomach issues mean I have to be more careful now with what I eat.

There is a book hundreds of years old called "Pilgrim's Progress" about a man attempting to go through life carrying a "burden". It sounds like the burden you are carrying has placed you in a sort of prison.

You mentioned a legal aspect to your burden. Is there anyway that you could make a payment that would lighten your burden. For example if there is a criminal element, could you pay say 3-5 years and remove this from hanging over your head. It might be worth it if you could make a payment and start fresh.

Some people have done shameful things in their past and have been able to find forgiveness and acceptance from others. It is difficult as few people are inclined to forgive, but they are out there. Some of the people in AA can describe this difficult path.

Yes, it is kind of like a mental/social prison in some respects. I've considered it in the past, but I don't think 'paying 3-5 years' would actually reduce the stigma - it's the kind of thing that sticks to you no matter what. I don't think I'd get a fresh start afterwards - I think it would follow me. Apart from which, the shame of it would be catastrophic for my family (possibly worse than the effects of my death).

Some might be able to forgive or accept my past actions (at a distance - I can imagine very few wanting to be closely involved with me.) But what led me there is still a huge part of my psyche. I don't act on it in the same way anymore, but it's still there, underneath the surface. And it's not stuff I would ever expect anyone to be ok with. So I would always be hiding this key part of myself from anyone I was involved with.