real human being
full of broken thoughts
- Jan 28, 2022
- 211
So, I guess I have been trying to 'recover' from my awful mental state for many years now. The word 'recovery' honestly doesn't necessarily feel right to me because it implies that I am trying to go back to a state I was at previously. But I have never been a happy person, or a good person. I was an awful child, and I hated my childhood, and I hate having to remember it, and being the person that I am, with the history that I have.
I've always been a broken person. I don't have any interests. I naturally find the world empty and unpleasant to the point of being disgusted by it, and I basically always have, since I was a young child. It is and has always been difficult for me to force myself to do even the smallest things, such as brushing my teeth. As a child, I never brushed my teeth and my parents didn't make any special efforts to make me or teach me to do so. As a result, my teeth were yellow and I had bad breath throughout my school years. I only started brushing my teeth regularly in the last 2-3 years, with increasing success. I now do it at least once almost every day. I spend all my free time doing essentially nothing. Nothing I should do, and nothing that I enjoy doing either. I can't seem to gather the energy to do anything, nor do I seem to enjoy or be interested in anything, no matter how much I try and think about it.
I have researched various methods of increasing motivation, building habits, reducing procrastination, etc. Almost nothing really works or makes much of a difference for me. One thing that I do find very helpful is keeping track of some basic things (e.g. brushing teeth) on a habit tracking app. Nothing really works. I can perform work when I am supervised, but I can't self-start at all, and I have almost no self control.
So, I'm trying to build habits and do things that would improve my life, but I can't get myself to do anything. It is extremely frustrating and makes me suicidal.
I've always been a broken person. I don't have any interests. I naturally find the world empty and unpleasant to the point of being disgusted by it, and I basically always have, since I was a young child. It is and has always been difficult for me to force myself to do even the smallest things, such as brushing my teeth. As a child, I never brushed my teeth and my parents didn't make any special efforts to make me or teach me to do so. As a result, my teeth were yellow and I had bad breath throughout my school years. I only started brushing my teeth regularly in the last 2-3 years, with increasing success. I now do it at least once almost every day. I spend all my free time doing essentially nothing. Nothing I should do, and nothing that I enjoy doing either. I can't seem to gather the energy to do anything, nor do I seem to enjoy or be interested in anything, no matter how much I try and think about it.
I have researched various methods of increasing motivation, building habits, reducing procrastination, etc. Almost nothing really works or makes much of a difference for me. One thing that I do find very helpful is keeping track of some basic things (e.g. brushing teeth) on a habit tracking app. Nothing really works. I can perform work when I am supervised, but I can't self-start at all, and I have almost no self control.
So, I'm trying to build habits and do things that would improve my life, but I can't get myself to do anything. It is extremely frustrating and makes me suicidal.