Help How to hope without hurting?

[Michi_Violeta]

As some of you may know, I'm suicidal largely because of my ex breaking-up with me and immediately replacing me for someone else 10 months ago.

I'm desperate for a middle ground in my mind between completely letting go and torturing myself. It's been almost two months since we last talked, she has always been the one initiating contact although it's become scarcer because I don't act like a friend (I'm not rude either, just not friendly), and I do my best not to look at her socials or our pictures because I know it'll only hurt. Last time she casually told me about her future plans with the guy she replaced me with and it broke my heart. On the other hand, I don't want to let go completely, I love her, it feels like a defeat, it's absolutely unfair after all I've gone through and what I shared with her.

I know it may sound absurd to some, but please, don't judge me or tell me to move on, I have my reasons for feeling the way I do. I tried discussing this with my therapist, but we didn't get anywhere yet, it's been 5 days since our last session and it'll be 3 days until our next one. My head is killing me, this tug of war between extreme positions is destroying me, I guess I just want to feel like the music and the words in "Next Summer" by Damiano David: mellow, peaceful, but "call me when he breaks your heart next summer, baby, I'll be waiting here..."

I tried posting this on Reddit and I got bullshit answers. I tried talking about it with my therapist on Monday, but I don't think she understood and wants to medicate me (which I flat out refuse). Please, please don't judge, she's the most beautiful relationship I've ever had and we had some beautiful times, she said I was the best relationship she'd ever had too and now...to think life's rewarding her after what she did, to lose all hope, it just kills me. I'm starting to forget and I don't want to. Te amo, michi, por favor vuelve a casa.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

When we fall in love our limbic brain lights up and we get all sorts of feel good chemicals in our bodies and brain and encode memories we associate as being "good times" (and they may be, I'm not saying they aren't). If she initiated the break up but still wants friendship, all you can do is strive to keep an open heart / door policy and if you work on yourself and stars align (granted she had growth as well), and, if your paths intersect again and you both see value in taking it slowly and deciding whether you want to be a couple again, then great. Otherwise, or, in the meantime, simply get out of the house. Remove reminders of her. Meet new people. Do new things. Go out with friends.

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

I went thru something similar few months back, and the thing that make me hold up was being with other people and friends (specially a very good friend from SaSu).

I think you need other relationship to fill the void she left, not necessarily romantic, but a close friendship may help out a lot. She would probably be in similar situation, the only reason she is "happier" is cuz she found someone else to fill that void, maybe try doing the same.

Try investing the effort you put into her in other people, and in most cases other people will reciprocate that care back to you. It can be your parents, friends or even another girl you may find yourself attracted to, but you are probably not ready for the last one...

I hope it helps man, you can contact me too, if we share similar interests, we can be friends!

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Michi, I'm so sorry this is bothering you like how it is. I know there's pain of how time seems to be moving forward, ripping you from your peaceful place with her. 10 months probably feels like nothing, and 2 months probably feels like yesterday. Who would blame you, if you're in love with her and you wait for her to come home everyday, I can't blame you. You love her, her smile, her laugh, her eyes. If you're not acting like a friend anymore, I get that, how could you? She's not just a friend in your eyes. Despite all of this, you're doing the incredibly mature thing by avoiding her socials.

Every time you guys casually talk about things like her future, she's breaking your heart all over again. You don't deserve that at all. Which is why I'm relieved that it's been 2 months since you have spoken with her. Though you love her, these wounds can deepen if your contact with her is frequent knowing you can't really be friends with her. I know you don't want to let go completely, and I'm not trying to say to. I'm not here to judge you or tell you to let go. Maybe it's better you let the lack of contact run it's course, without reaching out for her, because you may want to.

Maybe you could share with your therapist this thread you've created, maybe you could read out the post and it will help your therapist get a better idea of what to say. Sometimes we express ourselves better in posts like these, rather than out loud. I can't honestly imagine the despair and pain you're going through. It's enough to make you want to take your own life. That's so serious, so no one can tell you "Just move on" or "It'll get better" because the extent of your pain drowns those silly ideas out.

"call me when he breaks your heart next summer, baby, I'll be waiting here..." I know you'd be willing to wait for her, but what if she never comes? Then I know your pain will just get worse and you'll take the necessary steps toward CTB. Really ask yourself though, how long can you wait? It's the waiting that's hurting your hope. As long as you hope you'll keep waiting, and there's going to be pain there inevitably. There's no easy answer here, it's a tug of war like you mentioned. I think you're strong, and naturally your body is finding that middle ground for you, even though your mind doesn't want to. I say dare to give in to it and carry your hope with you like a plushie, hehe. Explore the side of you that wants to forget. If you don't like it you could always retreat back to where you think about her wonderful laugh and smile.

 

[fallingtopieces]

No judgement, breaking up is hard. Seeing a partner move on makes it harder. The end of a relationship can be a bit like a death. And in the same way, it takes time to mourn its loss. Always being alone, shutting down will only make things harder, take longer to let go. It was the best relationship you've ever had so far. But there is more than one person out there for you, waiting to experience new and wonderful times with you. We can't make someone love, but it is the love we have to give, the love we create that matters. Wishing you the best.

 

[ella24]

Hi, I've been in your place 5 years ago. We had a 3 years relationship, we lived together all that time.
He left me right before Christmas and the pain was so big my only option was to move in another country at my aunt one month later.
After 3 months he was already with someone else and i think he cheated me long time before he left. He was my world.
After another 6 months they had a baby and that was the moment i knew it was really over. Never talk again after that.
The pain in my heart was killing me. And even after 5 years the scars are still there even if they dont hurt. The sad truth is that even if i dont care about him anymore i know that i am not the same person as before. I have friends, i go out, i have fun and everything is great. But i cant trust anyone again. I see him in everyone i start to like and i remember the pain and dont let them be more than friends.
You will be fine, it might take a few years but at some point you will forget her. I just hope your scars wont be as bad as mine.
Take care!