How to heal?

[fightclub17]

I have some threads about my story. Basically, this time last year I was battling insomnia, I was prescribed an antidepressant that induced akathisia. I was crying out for help to doctors and my psychologist saying I was having scary suicidal thoughts I'd never experienced before. I was told the antidepressant gets worse before it gets better and to endure it. I jumped 8 stories and survived. I've been through 12 surgeries and still counting... I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep my leg or not. And if I do it's going to take a long time. The uncertainty is anxiety inducing. On top of this my husband has abandoned me and I've been forced to move into my parents' place. I feel extremely isolated and am finding it hard to complete daily tasks or relax and watch something/read something. I keep thinking about my husband and how much I need his support right now in a state of trauma. I spend all day messaging him and get no responses or the occasional rude response. My PTSD is so bad I'm scared to be alone, because when I'm alone I'm with the person who tried to kill me. I feel like my life is ruined and I'm broken. Like if my own husband doesn't want to be with me, who will? I'm losing my prime years and it's so scary looking and my broken body. I don't want to die, but I wish this never happened and wasn't left to fend for myself. I don't know how to heal from this. I feel unworthy of love and support, and as though this is so extreme/unique. I don't know a single person who's gone through anything like this. I feel alienated. How does one heal from this and go back to normal life? Everyone asks me what happened to me, to the point I avoid going out into public. How am I meant to uphold a job after this? I feel so broken. I have the means to ctb but deep down I want to heal I just don't know how.

 

[Defatigatis]

I'm so sorry for all of this; I felt the weight of what you're going trought just reading, I'm sure you don't deserve this..
If you truly want to recover, it will have to be slow and steady, one day at a time; nobody would recover from all of that in a day, week or month — in the process, you would have to hook into any minor possibility of taking back your life. Value yourself more, perhaps discuss in more detail with your doctor to see if he can prescribe another medication if there is no improvement with the current one after some time. Distance yourself from your ex-husband. I know you love him, but from what you've said, he clearly doesn't want you around, and at the moment when you needed him most, he distanced himself, this is a definitive proof that he never truly loved you the way you love him.

Wishing you all the best, friend..

 

[fightclub17]

I'm so sorry for all of this; I felt the weight of what you're going trought just reading, I'm sure you don't deserve this..
If you truly want to recover, it will have to be slow and steady, one day at a time; nobody would recover from all of that in a day, week or month — in the process, you would have to hook into any minor possibility of taking back your life. Value yourself more, perhaps discuss in more detail with your doctor to see if he can prescribe another medication if there is no improvement with the current one after some time. Distance yourself from your ex-husband. I know you love him, but from what you've said, he clearly doesn't want you around, and at the moment when you needed him most, he distanced himself, this is a definitive proof that he never truly loved you the way you love him.

Wishing you all the best, friend..

Thank you for your kind message friend. I appreciate your concern and advice about taking things slow and valuing myself - it means alot.

I'm on mirtazapine and olanzapine now and that is keeping me above water. I just don't have any joy left.

This is the biggest identiy rupture.
I've lost so much of my sense of self

I experienced:
Insomnia
Antidepressant reactions
Losing safety in my own body and mind
Crying out for help to professionals
A suicide attempt
ICU
3 months in hospital
A changed body
My partner saying his perception of me changed
Our marriage destabilising
Sepsis
Being moved back into my parents' house
12 surgeries with more to come
Uncertainty about my leg

It's a total life fracture.

The person who used to mirror me lovingly, is now recoiling.
My body feels weak and unfamiliar.
My quality of life has disappeared.
My environment feels regressed.
My identity feels unstable.
I'm grieving my old self and life.

I feel like I'm looked at as something dangerous.
He said: 'you know when you get shot by a gun, and you don't like guns anymore' 'you're the source of my pain'

Life is so distorted.
Everything feel unreal.
My identity feels destabilised.
Depersonalised.
Like my life split into 'before' and 'after'
Confused about who I am now
Deeply ashamed of needing help
Add marital rupture to that, and it amplifies tenfold.
Being back at my parents' house feels like: 'I've regressed into a child state'
Healing for what feels like a collapsed future I thought I had

When someone is recovering physically their mind anchors to 'I'm getting better so I can get back to my life'

But what life even is that?
What am I rebuilding towards?

I'm craving normalcy like oxygen right now.
I'm not just missing my husband.
I'm missing our connection and bond.
I'm missing the version of myself that existed within the family.
I'm missing quality family time.
I'm missing the vows 'in sickness and in health'
I'm missing the idea of growing old together.
I'm missing my life.

I'm so lost in every way.

I don't know how to move on from him while battling trauma...

I wish this never happened and I feel stuck in regret.

 

[flowerbomb]

I am so sorry for all you had/have to go through.... Really!