Discussion How to handle that line between communicating and cutting someone off?

[Toptock]

Hey all,

Reaching closure with someone/Cutting someone off:

Do you guys believe there's an acceptable reason to just cut someone off? Even if they're related? My question comes from a thought experiment I did today. If you are able to cut off a family member with no closure. We're raised to seek closure if available, which is absolutely respectable, but what if you simply think it'd be in your best interest to cut someone off without reaching that? Where does the line exist between simply removing someone from your life and reaching out to them?

What's the general consensus here?

 

[SanJunipero1]

Hey all,

Reaching closure with someone/Cutting someone off:

Do you guys believe there's an acceptable reason to just cut someone off? Even if they're related? My question comes from a thought experiment I did today. If you are able to cut off a family member with no closure. We're raised to seek closure if available, which is absolutely respectable, but what if you simply think it'd be in your best interest to cut someone off without reaching that? Where does the line exist between simply removing someone from your life and reaching out to them?

What's the general consensus here?

I'm very open about being suicidal and I've stopped talking to anyone (friends and family) who hasn't helped and anyone who doesn't make me want to live. It sucks but it also means the people I have kept in my life, I know I can rely on no matter what.

 

[LittleJem]

There are people with whom you will never get closure. There are people who can never apologise, never understand what they did, and they will just make you feel crazy and give you extra stress. I personally think in those situations you have to take into account what is best for you, and what you have suffered already and put yourself first.

It's probably different for every relationship. I have stopped contact with my mum after warning her for maybe a year that I was reaching the end of my line. I gave her many chances to make things up to me, but she did not. She left me without her to look after me when I was bedridden and my marriage had just ended - she went on holiday. She has also given me no support with a situation where I have been bullied for six months, and she criticises everything I do with her own 'opinion' that bears no relation to reality or to anything I am saying. She expects me just to make polite conversation with her and still to see her, even though I have told her just how upset I am and spelled out the ways she can make amends.

In the past, I would meet up with her despite her abuse of me as a child and as an adult, I made excuses for her, I was the bigger person, I even took her on holiday at my own expense. Now, because I have seen what she does when I really needed her, I am done. I am too dangerously ill to cope with her, tolerate her or make excuses for her any longer.

It's weird because I want my 'mummy' every day at the moment. I am still being bullied and struggling with life. But I know my mum is not capable of being that person and I don't have a mother in my life that would function in any way how anyone would want a mother to be.

I'm very open about being suicidal and I've stopped talking to anyone (friends and family) who hasn't helped and anyone who doesn't make me want to live. It sucks but it also means the people I have kept in my life, I know I can rely on no matter what.

I can't talk to family members who didn't call me once when I was bedridden for a year. The lack of care from my grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins - not even one phone call.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Hey all,

Reaching closure with someone/Cutting someone off:

Do you guys believe there's an acceptable reason to just cut someone off? Even if they're related? My question comes from a thought experiment I did today. If you are able to cut off a family member with no closure. We're raised to seek closure if available, which is absolutely respectable, but what if you simply think it'd be in your best interest to cut someone off without reaching that? Where does the line exist between simply removing someone from your life and reaching out to them?

What's the general consensus here?

Difficult to answer without knowing the context, as every situation is different.

I have cut my family off because the bring me down and they know they do because they do it on purpose.

If the situation is that the person has done something wrong accidentally or even without being conscious of it then that is a completely different situation.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

Once people have pisssd me off and I have spoken to them calmly about changing their attitude or behaviour if they still haven't changed then they get the silent treatment and I do not answer their calls, texts, notifications on FB and I simply pretend they don't exist. It saves going through the process of dropping their ass they just work it out for themselves. I am done caring about their sodding feelings.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wow, what are the odds? This topic lines up exactly with what I've been wanting to talk about.

In case you haven't seen the thread I made before, I recently got cut off by someone who originally reached out to me in this very forum. It was not because of anything wrong I did (according to her), but because we're too compatible from what we have talked about but certain...life planning approaches are the one difference between us that she felt would lead to even worse heartbreak in the future so she had to cut it off soon otherwise I'd get too attached (too late lol). I can only hope that cutting me off broke her heart as much as it did mine.

It's been ten days since we last spoke and I still miss her. I've been mulling so hard over whether I should reignite the conversation to get some more clarifying details to reaffirm why we should not be together or to at least give her the chance to see me change my mind so I can be enough for her! And yet I also really want to respect her wishes but the thing is she never explicitly said not to talk to her again, just that I should take time to process it.

I really don't know how to handle this though! My heart feels so broken and I constantly feel like dying even more than when I first joined this website because we had so much in common and she was hitting so many of the right notes for me that you'd swear she rehearsed as the whole damn orchestra! The crazy thing is against all odds I somehow managed to hit all the right notes for her too! There's just no way I'll ever connect this hard with someone else ever again knowing how fucked up I am. Why did I let her let me go so easily? I know she said I could do better than her but I really can't. I'm even considering changing my stance on the thing that sets us apart. I just hope once I do that I would finally be enough for her...

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

What someone did yesterday that hurt you, they will do again tomorrow.

I cut off. It is a self preservation mechamism.

 

[Toptock]

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I did intend to keep things rather vague so as to not draw the situation to myself, i wanted all of your opinions and you delivered. I am grateful. The complication for my particular situation comes from the fact that I am at the moment unable to differentiate between cutting toxic people off without an explanation being healthy for myself vs needlessly callous. I think if even talking to someone puts fear into you (work situation aside) I believe you are allowed to remove them without being obligated to explain why. If they ask then its up to you, but you should feel comfortable enough just talking to someone

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am at the moment unable to differentiate between cutting toxic people off without an explanation being healthy for myself vs needlessly callous.

My suggestion is that you evaluate the relationship. I used this tool and it was eye-opening.

 

[Mr2005]

Ghosting them normally does the trick

 

[suzylou]

Sometimes you need to cut things off to grow or "heal" as much as possible. I ditched my entire life and moved across the country to just get away from toxic people and environments. you don't owe anyone anything if you are operating within your values for your own safety and sanity!

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

Ghosting all the way, keep those tossers out of your life.

 

[netrezven]

I love and enjoy cuting people off. Every time i do it, my life and the life of everyone around me gets much better. I can't and i won't ever exists around toxic people.

 

[k75]

I think sometimes it's more important to cut ties with toxic people than try to reach a level of closure, but I think it really depends on the situation.

Sometimes there is no closure. Sometimes you can reach it without involving the other person.

I have a relative who directly contributed to the death of my grandmother under her care, and I've never felt the need to speak to her since. I've managed to reach some level of forgiveness on my own, although she'll never know that, and I'm ok with that. It was for me, not her.

I also didn't speak to my sister for about a decade. I had to cut her off because she did some unacceptable things, and that was probably the best thing I could have done. Things are different now, but I don't regret it.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

You will be doing yourself a favour, you don't need toxic people in your life.
One less situation to deal/cope with.

 

[Sherri]

I would love to cut all my ties with my family, and just live in the woods somewhere remote where no one would bother me.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

I would love a few months off living a hedonistic lifestyle, just turn up for University and then no more activities to do. A kind of " I don't give a fuck" live like effy from skins. Life is short, we only get one life.

 

[Sherri]

I would love a few months off living a hedonistic lifestyle, just turn up for University and then no more activities to do. A kind of " I don't give a fuck" live like effy from skins. Life is short, we only get one life.

Awww Effy, love her and skins. Reminds me so much about my youth days. The last season was ver bad though but Effy and Tony, wow!

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

I loved her when went a bit stir crazy, she made living with depression very normal and that people of all lifestyles, cultures and situations can get it and that it's not as simple as"I feel x y z about this" and that depression is an illness.

 

[TooConscious]

Anyone without empathy I can cut off easy but people like that don't get close to me anyway unless it's someone who changed for example I gave my aunt and cousins chance after chance to show some respect to other family members and I cut the off easy they weren't even worth closure.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

My wife cut me out when she got rid of me. I've been trying to contact her for closure for 2 months now. There is a level of toxicity to my emails with her, but it is born of frustration, anger and grief. I would absolutely describe myself as venomous and bitter post-breakups.

With this as context and that being said, I never had closure with my previous significant relationship in my mid 20s. I'm 32 now. So about 7 years. It still pains me and I was married for 3 years of that. More recently If I don't get closure from my wife it will stain my life for the rest of it in a worse way. I think it is cold and honestly a little malicious to not at least try to conclude a relationship. That's where I'm at in my life right now anyway.

If you are in the position to give someone closure, I would implore you to try above and beyond the call of duty to make that happen. It isn't always going to be possible and there are limits of course. You know the individual better than anyone else. But understand that you will be doing them a huge favour by at least trying and similarly trying to be civil. If you can punctuate your send-off with a kindness too, then that's a big deal. The alternative is that you cut them out and move on with your life which is absolutely fine of course, but as one human to another, never having closure is a unique kind of torture that you can help them avoid in at least part.

 

[WhiteDespair]

You have the right to decide who stays in your life. By whatever standards you choose.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Very good post from Michael nomad ... similar situation to myself.

For me I had to quit all my jobs and leave the country and after all that I still am not in a much better mental place. Some days just as bad. So yeah it is brutal and takes forever.