I haven't been doing well in the past few months. I won't bore you with all the details, but let's just say it's been a steady decline, there's no fight left, and that I wish I didn't realize that everything in life is basically lies and bullshit in one way or another. I just don't want to participate anymore, you know? It's really looking like CTB is something I may end up doing - something that I want to do - and the thoughts are becoming more frequent and intrusive..like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only thing stopping me is the thought of my children. I was married for 24 years and we separated and sold our house. She ended up moving somewhere else with the kids and I moved in with my father for a few months before getting my own small apartment.
Anyways, my daughter is doing quite well. She starts college in September and has been a full-time barista for the past three years. We never developed the strongest bond(?), and she was always much closer to my xW, and more so now after the divorce obviously. We talk/text a few times a week, have gone fishing together, etc, but she doesn't let me in as to much of the goings on in her life. For instance, she's been seeing a young man from the USA for over a year who has been down to visit for a few days multiple times, and I still haven't met him. She just bought her first (used) car, and only told me after the whole process was done and it was in her driveway. NGL,, that really hurt because I'd have liked to have been a part of it, just to help her, make suggestions, and to make sure she's getting the best possible car she can get for her hard-earned money and is not getting taken. Isn't that something any father would want to be a part of, or are my feelings about it wrong? Obviously, I was excited for her, congratulated her, etc, but never let my hurt show. Basically it feels like I failed, the relationship failed, and because of that, I'm not there for these milestones, which really fucking hurts.
My son is two years her senior and works midnights at a grocery store part-time. I drive him to and from work because I love him, want to spend time with him, and his grandmother charges him $ every time he asks her for a ride, which annoys me. I'm a little more worried about him because we are closer, spend more time together, and I am worried about how he is going to find his way in the world and weather the storms that life will inevitably bring. For the most part, he will sit on his computer playing games and on Discord with friends for the vast majority of his free time and waking hours. When he was young, he was sexually abused by my xW's brother's son. My son told my xW what happened, and she DIDN'T tell me. I found out two weeks later when my son suddenly blurted it out while getting in trouble for something else. Anyways, it was the beginning of the end for the marriage.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can lessen the impact? Would a long letter, explaining my reasoning, apologizing, etc ease their pain? Obviously, I can't talk to them about what I may or may not be thinking about doing before I do it. I value this community, so thanks for listening and sorry if I rambled.
Anyways, my daughter is doing quite well. She starts college in September and has been a full-time barista for the past three years. We never developed the strongest bond(?), and she was always much closer to my xW, and more so now after the divorce obviously. We talk/text a few times a week, have gone fishing together, etc, but she doesn't let me in as to much of the goings on in her life. For instance, she's been seeing a young man from the USA for over a year who has been down to visit for a few days multiple times, and I still haven't met him. She just bought her first (used) car, and only told me after the whole process was done and it was in her driveway. NGL,, that really hurt because I'd have liked to have been a part of it, just to help her, make suggestions, and to make sure she's getting the best possible car she can get for her hard-earned money and is not getting taken. Isn't that something any father would want to be a part of, or are my feelings about it wrong? Obviously, I was excited for her, congratulated her, etc, but never let my hurt show. Basically it feels like I failed, the relationship failed, and because of that, I'm not there for these milestones, which really fucking hurts.
My son is two years her senior and works midnights at a grocery store part-time. I drive him to and from work because I love him, want to spend time with him, and his grandmother charges him $ every time he asks her for a ride, which annoys me. I'm a little more worried about him because we are closer, spend more time together, and I am worried about how he is going to find his way in the world and weather the storms that life will inevitably bring. For the most part, he will sit on his computer playing games and on Discord with friends for the vast majority of his free time and waking hours. When he was young, he was sexually abused by my xW's brother's son. My son told my xW what happened, and she DIDN'T tell me. I found out two weeks later when my son suddenly blurted it out while getting in trouble for something else. Anyways, it was the beginning of the end for the marriage.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can lessen the impact? Would a long letter, explaining my reasoning, apologizing, etc ease their pain? Obviously, I can't talk to them about what I may or may not be thinking about doing before I do it. I value this community, so thanks for listening and sorry if I rambled.
