Help How to ger over guilt about CTB

[absent_nebulae]

If this post is against the rules in any way, i will take it down, and i apologize in advance. This is slightly more of a vent than seeking advice, but i dont know what to do.

Ive been suicidal for over 3 and a half years now, and since falling back into this mindset ive decided that ill CTB by train. Cargo trains run frequently through my city, i just havent picked a spot yet. I know its not the best method, but i dont have access to anything else unfortunately, so pleade dont try to convince me otherwise.

Living in general has gotten so painful to the point i feel like I'm not real the whole day, and i just want to be free. But I also know that survival instincts are gonna kick my ass when i try to CTB, and i dont know how to get arpund it because i dont have access to any alcohol.

I know this is also probablh quite discussed a lot on here, and people are probably sick of hearing things like this, but i also dont know how to get past the guilt of leaving my bf with the pain of me being dead after i CTB. I genuinley love him so much, and i knkw that that should be a reason to not CTB, but i literally dont know how to keep going when every day hurts so bad.

I really just want advice. How do i get over the guilt of leaving the only person i care about now? How do i not chicken out? I'm too tired of being alive to try to wait longer.

Any input is appreciated a ton, but again, i will take down this post if its against any rules.

 

[sanctionedusage]

i feel gut wrenching guilt and i don't even have anyone. honestly i think it might just be self pity in my case. its almost nauseating

 

[absent_nebulae]

I get that honestly i used to feel that way when i didnt have anyone but now its so much stronger and it genuinley makes me feel sick on a daily basis

 

[SoLowHollow48]

You don't. It's like... robbing a person because you don't have money and you're not qualified for any job at all.

You just do it because you need it.

Honestly, the fact that you still feel something towards others should be taken as a push to recover instead of to CTB. People who want to off themselves don't think anymore. Trust me. I'd know. They don't give a shit.

So, I don't know what the root cause of your pains are but I hope that your boyfriend is aware of you hurting and is willing to help.

I know you'll say "I don't wanna drag him down to this hell", it's not for you to decide. If you're open to him and he agrees to help, then he genuinely means it. He is willing to guide you, he is a good partner.

Now, past that point, it's all up to you.

One thing I'll advise is, no matter how much of a burden you feel like yourself has become, just know that CEOs are turning us into wage slaves so they can buy more mansions.

Godspeed.