Help How to express condolences to families bereaved by suicide (in English)?

[noctiva]

I have to write an Email to someone who has lost his daughter (15) 2 months ago to suicide. From what I understand, she has died horribly by deliberately running onto the freeway and getting caught by a car and dragged along (or at least, that is what has been pieced together by what little information is floating around).
I have not been (nor been invited to) the funeral and I haven't seen him since 2 weeks BEFORE the death of his daughter. I do not know him well at all, we've seen each other a few times around, gone for lunch together once and met at church events (not religious, more church events due to social obligation - confirmation) and the mandatory coffee afterwards.

English is not my native language and I do not have many deaths, and no suicide so far, that I needed to express my condolences for. I have googled but I don't like all these formal suggestions. I know I need one 'formal' sentence but then something more, something that.. you know, something that actually says something that's not just platitudes. Something kind and considerate. Something more than 'I'm so sorry, hope you'll move on!'.

I didn't think I would ever have to write something like it, especially not a few weeks before I plan to ctb myself. I thought, who better to ask than people that have actually thought about ctb, about how to write notes, how to prepare their families, how to make it easier for the loved ones they leave behind.
I would not bother him at all, but he is the only person I can reach out to to possibly help me. Or should I not reach out, at all, and let the family grieve and just ctb quietly in the corner? When I ctb, I have to send him a delayed email, that's why I thought I might want to reach out once before I ctb to ask for help, before I send him a 'Sorry I ended my life!' Email.

Thank you for reading this thread, thank you for any ideas you might have. Thank you for being there for me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you all.

 

[Jean4]

Can I make a suggestion? Write your letter on Google translate. Your words can be your own then.

 

[Mako]

Can I make a suggestion? Write your letter on Google translate. Your words can be your own then.

Google translate still is not really accurate

 

[pole]

what i'd recommending doing is putting yourself in the shoes of the person who's mourning. put yourself in the position of the person who's lost their daughter. from there you'll be able to imagine and somewhat feel what there feeling and going through. what would you want someone to tell you if you lost you're daughter? what would you wanna be told? from here, let the feelings you're feeling guide you're writing.

 

[Jean4]

Google translate still is not really accurate

I use it for business on a daily basis. Nobody has an issue and nobody has had issues understanding.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you for your help and your suggestions!
My English is by now better then my native language, to be honest. It's more that I have no experience or 'feeling' for how to express condolences in English, as I've never been exposed to this in my life. So all the words I string together seem... dubious? I don't know how else to express it. They are valid English words following the grammatical rules, but .. I don't 'feel' that it's right, I have nothing I can compare it to from my own experience or even from movies or anything else, really.

I have started to write (as @Hasssssuùuu suggested) from what I feel myself and what I feel would be good. I first wrote the end of the Email, the part where I'm reiterating my condolences from the beginning of the Email (basically a shorter bit that just picks the topic up once more at the end).
Can you tell me if that is kinda okay?
'Please, let me again apologize for intruding during this time of hardship for you and your family and let me once again express my sincere sympathies for the loss of your lovely daughter A. I wish I could express my sympathies better, in a way that can truly convey the deep sadness I feel for you and S and T. If there is anything I can do to support you or if you need someone who will listen to you, please do not hesitate to reach out.'

If that is kind of okay, then the beginning of the Email, where I express my condolences longer and better, is missing. Is there something that, according to English etiquette, HAS to be said? Any hint or help is greatly appreciated! Thank you for all your suggestions so far.

 

[pole]

Thank you for your help and your suggestions!
My English is by now better then my native language, to be honest. It's more that I have no experience or 'feeling' for how to express condolences in English, as I've never been exposed to this in my life. So all the words I string together seem... dubious? I don't know how else to express it. They are valid English words following the grammatical rules, but .. I don't 'feel' that it's right, I have nothing I can compare it to from my own experience or even from movies or anything else, really.

I have started to write (as @Hasssssuùuu suggested) from what I feel myself and what I feel would be good. I first wrote the end of the Email, the part where I'm reiterating my condolences from the beginning of the Email (basically a shorter bit that just picks the topic up once more at the end).
Can you tell me if that is kinda okay?
'Please, let me again apologize for intruding during this time of hardship for you and your family and let me once again express my sincere sympathies for the loss of your lovely daughter A. I wish I could express my sympathies better, in a way that can truly convey the deep sadness I feel for you and S and T. If there is anything I can do to support you or if you need someone who will listen to you, please do not hesitate to reach out.'

If that is kind of okay, then the beginning of the Email, where I express my condolences longer and better, is missing. Is there something that, according to English etiquette, HAS to be said? Any hint or help is greatly appreciated! Thank you for all your suggestions so far.

nope that's completely fine. i don't think there's anything wrong with this. Whatever you're feeling is what you should be writing cause what you're feeling are the right things. and it shows by what you wrote.

 

[noctiva]

Okay, so here's what I came up with.
Introduction part:
'Dear his name,
I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter A and wanted to express my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine the deep emotional pain you are experiencing. No matter how hard I try, words seem inadequate to express the sadness I feel when thinking about A and about your grief. I am at a loss for words, they all seem to fail me and fall short. My heart aches for you. If I can support you in any way, please let me know. I want you to know that this is not an empty offer made out of courtesy but an honest offer coming from my heart.'
Then comes the Email subject
End part:
'Please, let me again apologize for intruding during this time of hardship for you and your family and let me once again express my sincere sympathies for the loss of your lovely daughter A. I wish I could express my sympathies better, in a way that can truly convey the deep sadness I feel for you and S and T. If there is anything I can do to support you or if you need someone who will listen to you, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am thinking of you, wishing you hope in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of pain.'
Best wishes,
My name

Do you think that is okay this way? Does one or the other be longer/ shorter/ more empathy? I feel I use 'I' too much, I should talk more about them, but I don't know them well, so I feel very odd trying to express what I feel they might feel, because I simply don't know them that well.
This is so much harder to write than my own notes!

 

[pole]

Okay, so here's what I came up with.
Introduction part:
'Dear his name,
I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter A and wanted to express my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine the deep emotional pain you are experiencing. No matter how hard I try, words seem inadequate to express the sadness I feel when thinking about A and about your grief. I am at a loss for words, they all seem to fail me and fall short. My heart aches for you. If I can support you in any way, please let me know. I want you to know that this is not an empty offer made out of courtesy but an honest offer coming from my heart.'
Then comes the Email subject
End part:
'Please, let me again apologize for intruding during this time of hardship for you and your family and let me once again express my sincere sympathies for the loss of your lovely daughter A. I wish I could express my sympathies better, in a way that can truly convey the deep sadness I feel for you and S and T. If there is anything I can do to support you or if you need someone who will listen to you, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am thinking of you, wishing you hope in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of pain.'
Best wishes,
My name

Do you think that is okay this way? Does one or the other be longer/ shorter/ more empathy? I feel I use 'I' too much, I should talk more about them, but I don't know them well, so I feel very odd trying to express what I feel they might feel, because I simply don't know them that well.
This is so much harder to write than my own notes!

i like it alot. just remember to not focus so much on what you should say and you're possible mistakes and trying to be a perfectionist with this. its you're feelings. what you say off the top of you're head and what you feel about it at first is what you feel and it shouldnt critiques or judged. leave what you wrote all in there. Its genuine, its real, it illustrates you're feelings, emotions and empathy. i wouldnt fix it at all. leave it as is; raw, empathetic, emotional, and genuine.

also with the i's. its not a bad thing at all, its you just showing ur empathy and showing how much you care. those who are struggling and going through such losses often times feel extremely alone, dont feel like their hurt and suffering is recognized and understood or cared for, and want a shoulder to cry on. you simply telling them that YOU ARE there for them, and the "I" to show how much it has affected u and that ull be there for them goes A LONG way for this person.

 

[noctiva]

I'm sorry I haven't posted here in a few days, I am in a very deep hole at the moment and I cannot see forwards anymore.
I wanted to thank you all for your help with my email. I haven't send it yet because I am scared, my life or death is tied to this Email, but I have now at least typed it out.
Thank you @Hasssssuùuu especially, you gave me the confidence to try something far out of my comfort zone and it seems to have turned out acceptable. You should be a writing coach!

 

[pole]

I'm sorry I haven't posted here in a few days, I am in a very deep hole at the moment and I cannot see forwards anymore.
I wanted to thank you all for your help with my email. I haven't send it yet because I am scared, my life or death is tied to this Email, but I have now at least typed it out.
Thank you @Hasssssuùuu especially, you gave me the confidence to try something far out of my comfort zone and it seems to have turned out acceptable. You should be a writing coach!

i didn't do anything. i just i guess wanted to be here for you as reassurance that you can do it. i wasn't the one writing and thinking and feeling and understanding, it was all you. you should be proud of yourself.

 

[LonelyLight]

I'm sorry I haven't posted here in a few days, I am in a very deep hole at the moment and I cannot see forwards anymore.
I wanted to thank you all for your help with my email. I haven't send it yet because I am scared, my life or death is tied to this Email, but I have now at least typed it out.
Thank you @Hasssssuùuu especially, you gave me the confidence to try something far out of my comfort zone and it seems to have turned out acceptable. You should be a writing coach!

Your email sounds great. Lovely touching words. I hope you are okay. Here for you always my friend

 

[noctiva]

i didn't do anything. i just i guess wanted to be here for you as reassurance that you can do it. i wasn't the one writing and thinking and feeling and understanding, it was all you. you should be proud of yourself.

Thank you for your kindness and for giving me the 'mojo' to actually write it. I'm very touched at how kind and selfless this community is, including you, refusing to take credit here!

Your email sounds great. Lovely touching words. I hope you are okay. Here for you always my friend

Thank you, lonelylight, I will try to reach out to you tomorrow, I'm just stuck in this pit of despair which paralyzes me. I'm sorry @LonelyLight, I will try to do better.

 

[LonelyLight]

Thank you for your kindness and for giving me the 'mojo' to actually write it. I'm very touched at how kind and selfless this community is, including you, refusing to take credit here!

Thank you, lonelylight, I will try to reach out to you tomorrow, I'm just stuck in this pit of despair which paralyzes me. I'm sorry @LonelyLight, I will try to do better.

Never apologise for taking time for yourself, I know how it is look forward to chatting when you are ready.

 

[hhsp]

Can I make a suggestion? Write your letter on Google translate. Your words can be your own then.

deepl.com gives much better translations, extremly accurate with lots of suggestions

 

[Rabhen]

I have to write an Email to someone who has lost his daughter (15) 2 months ago to suicide. From what I understand, she has died horribly by deliberately running onto the freeway and getting caught by a car and dragged along (or at least, that is what has been pieced together by what little information is floating around).
I have not been (nor been invited to) the funeral and I haven't seen him since 2 weeks BEFORE the death of his daughter. I do not know him well at all, we've seen each other a few times around, gone for lunch together once and met at church events (not religious, more church events due to social obligation - confirmation) and the mandatory coffee afterwards.

English is not my native language and I do not have many deaths, and no suicide so far, that I needed to express my condolences for. I have googled but I don't like all these formal suggestions. I know I need one 'formal' sentence but then something more, something that.. you know, something that actually says something that's not just platitudes. Something kind and considerate. Something more than 'I'm so sorry, hope you'll move on!'.

I didn't think I would ever have to write something like it, especially not a few weeks before I plan to ctb myself. I thought, who better to ask than people that have actually thought about ctb, about how to write notes, how to prepare their families, how to make it easier for the loved ones they leave behind.
I would not bother him at all, but he is the only person I can reach out to to possibly help me. Or should I not reach out, at all, and let the family grieve and just ctb quietly in the corner? When I ctb, I have to send him a delayed email, that's why I thought I might want to reach out once before I ctb to ask for help, before I send him a 'Sorry I ended my life!' Email.

Thank you for reading this thread, thank you for any ideas you might have. Thank you for being there for me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you all.

Less said the better, suicide or not. Insincerity is a no no, if you really do not intend to be there or to help, do not offer, if you do, a simple, 'I am here for you, let me know what it is you need' will suffice. 'What can I do for you' 'What do you need' Simple, concise, sincere. Then, whatever, whenever they call on you, be there, as they need, as you offered. Each griever has their own way, timing and needs to overcome. Some just need someone to sit with them as they space out. Some need a shoulder to cry on. Some need to yell and scream. Some need a distraction, a getting on with life, going to the movies, playing golf, walking, biking. Some need to be left alone. Simple, concise and sincere. If you are not willing to talk to a sobbing blubberer at 3 am, do not offer to help in any way, just offer an even simpler...'My thoughts are with you at this time.', yep that is all. More than that can be triggering to the griever and cause more unintentional harm than the consolidation of support that is intended.

 

[Somber]

I can only speak for myself, but when mom died we received a flood of condolences from family and people I never heard of and I read none of them.

They are stashed somewhere in a box tucked away in a closet.

As much thought & effort the OP put into her message, remember that it's very well possible it won't be read at all.

It was beautiful though.