Venting How to deal with impulsive urges?

[Okokaykay]

Things are getting awful again. I can't stop doing stupid shit to myself, but I'm also in no position to be self destructive right now. A lot of people want me well and happy so I have to at least appear as such.

I want to SH so badly, but I can't. Alternatives (rubber bands, ice, whatever) don't work or relieve much- Unless it's choking myself or doing a half-hearted hanging attempt. The problem is, the marks on my neck are getting noticeable and my girlfriend is worried. She has started having nightmares of me dying and I feel awful.

I am not made to be alive and everything that I've used to cope with that fact is out of reach. I am on edge all the time, a horrible person to be around. I need some kind of release.
I'm getting tired of people telling me to try harder to recover or to reach out. It's like hitting a dead end on the nose over and over again. I just need to be dead.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I tried partial hanging over a 100 times by now, as SH. After half an hour the marks on your neck should be gone.

 

[Okokaykay]

I tried partial hanging over a 100 times by now, as SH. After half an hour the marks on your neck should be gone.

Usually marks fade for me too- just a bit of redness/a burn that goes within a day or less. That doesn't stop my gf questioning where they came from, or the guilt of it all.