bye_forever
they/them
- Nov 7, 2024
- 4
Apologies, this is going to be a long post. I'm new to the forum and I want to give context before I arrive at my point.
Recent background:
I'm 30nb. Had major abdominal surgery 4.5 months ago, and then 2 more minor operations and one serious emergency one (and am currently scheduled for another urgent procedure) and have been in constant pain since. I've barely been able to leave bed to do more than hobble to the bathroom and sometimes I feel too weak to do even that on my own. It feels like my body can't always regulate my temperature so I feel feverish even when I'm not sick. I'll sometimes start shaking so hard it's scary for no apparent reason and I can't make it stop. I can't sleep properly cause the pain wakes me up throughout the night, and I'm getting intermittent pelvic floor spasms and cramps that are like an 7-9 painwise for 5-15 minutes. I'm constantly bleeding (like it never fucking stops) and can't seem to go a single day without leaving a massacre of dark-red bloodstains and these vile jelly-like blood clots in the toilet bowl when I use the bathroom. More than anything though, the pain is maddening. It's just relentless and never lets up.
I have very little privacy since my long-term boyfriend of 8 years is virtually always around. He works from home and has been acting as my carer. He's only been away overnight like twice since I first had surgery and things started to really go downhill, and both times he had a mutual friend stay over to watch me. From his PoV I guess it makes sense both because I can't do much for myself and because it's very apparent how depressed I am.
I also just... really fucking miss my autonomy. I miss jumping in the car on Friday evenings after work to grab some poutine and a matcha bubble tea on a whim just cause I felt like it. I miss going on weekend daytrips into Wales. I miss going to the store to do my own shopping. I miss every dumb little thing I never thought I would. I miss it so much.
Additional background:
I have been passively suicidal since I was 12. I had my first serious depressive episode at 15. I failed to CTB when I was 24 and ended up sectioned in a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks. Police confiscated an exit bag I'd made for myself from Amazon products. My boyfriend and I were long-distance at the time, but he took time off work (fuckers wouldn't give it to him as compassionate leave), took a train the next day, and for the whole time I was inside he walked an hour there and back each day to visit me and take me out for walks and for gingerbread lattes.
My boyfriend can tell how bleak things are for me. I haven't really been hiding it and I don't think I could if I wanted to. And it's just so insanely awful to see how hard he tries. He's been putting on this relentlessly cheery mask around me and doing silly dances and sing-songy chants and nibbling on me and whatever other dumb shit he can think of to try and cheer me up. He cooks for me almost every day and does all the shopping and laundry and cleaning and all the other shit I can't do. He gets me treats he knows I like without prompting and he tries to spend as much time as he can with me outside of work and suggests doing stuff that I like even if he doesn't.
And then I still go and constantly break down crying in front of him most days, telling him how much I just want to stop existing so my pain will end. Usually he manages to keep his mask on, but occasionally it slips and I can see how much it hurts him to see me like this. He keeps on telling me that he'll have to do better, like he isn't already doing a thousand times more than anyone in his situation could be expected to. And he sometimes just gets this helpless look that's utterly heartbreaking. It makes me think of a dog that can tell you're suffering and is desperate to help, but lacks the faculties to understand the problem so it just tries whatever it can think of which might be helpful in a different context (maybe bringing you your slippers or something) without understanding that it's simply powerless and can't help at all.
The actual point of the thread:
I truly feel like it's uniquely unfair to have so much love and support for so long and have it not be enough. I know how that must sound, especially to people who are here because they're lonely. I'm not minimizing your problems at all, loneliness is truly awful. But this is unbearable to me.
Despite how worthless I constantly feel he truly, genuinely loves me. I really am his favorite person. I've struggled to believe it for the longest time, but he's proven it to me over and over till there's just no way to really doubt it anymore. It makes no sense. I'm a depressive, whiny, unstable, lazy, selfish, useless cripple. And he loves me anyway. I guess there's no reason at all to our attachments. Sometimes I'll catch him looking at me with this soft expression of affection like I painted the sky and ignited the sun. He will be devastated when I catch my bus and I know that. More than devastated. I don't think he'll ever be the same.
I've broached the topic of signing some papers without any fuss to get a civil union so that he'll get my flat without any inheritance tax and he straight up wouldn't hear of it. To be clear, his parents have basically no money and were never able to help him financially. He's got significant student debt. He's managed to claw his way to just about paying off a small flat in a cheap area over more than a decade of work and careful budgeting (like foregoing even fairly essential stuff like car ownership) and staying at home with his hoarder mom in a truly awful house for way longer than he should have. He doesn't have much in the way of financial security. And then there's me who got given a flat to live in by their parents when I went to uni. And he won't even think of taking it, even though there's no one else I owe more than him for almost the last decade of my life. To him it's not even a choice. Not a thought. He isn't tempted at all.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm completely trapped. I'm hurting the person I care about the most every single day, even if he'd never see it that way. Each day is unbearable and then I have to live it anyway. And if by some miracle I'm able find an opportunity to catch my bus I just know I would be leaving behind a trail of broken people.
I haven't even mentioned my mom, but I'm the most like her out of her kids. She's also had suicidal ideation in her past and issues with her mental health. I've always been really close with her. And I genuinely think it might drive her to do the same. I was unplanned and I know she'd literally bought the morning after pill and decided not to take it. And lately I find myself resenting her for that.
I wish I could just wink out of existence without a trace, with no collateral damage. The human condition is just so fucking bleak and thankless. As a queer person I can't help but look at the society I live in and all others around me becoming increasingly cruel, and I just feel this bone-deep disgust for being the same species. I want to pull off my skin and set it alight. I want to open my wrists and let the poison spill out. I want to scrape the marrow out from inside my bones. Just existing in a world this cruel and indifferent makes me feel slimy and gross and I want out.
But I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm lost.
I don't really know why I posted this. Maybe as a sort of journalling device. Or maybe for the sense of community. Because really I know there isn't any combination of words anyone could type that could fix my situation. Feel free to engage with this however you like, if you want. I think I'd appreciate that. Even if it can't fix my life. Sorry and thank you.
Recent background:
I'm 30nb. Had major abdominal surgery 4.5 months ago, and then 2 more minor operations and one serious emergency one (and am currently scheduled for another urgent procedure) and have been in constant pain since. I've barely been able to leave bed to do more than hobble to the bathroom and sometimes I feel too weak to do even that on my own. It feels like my body can't always regulate my temperature so I feel feverish even when I'm not sick. I'll sometimes start shaking so hard it's scary for no apparent reason and I can't make it stop. I can't sleep properly cause the pain wakes me up throughout the night, and I'm getting intermittent pelvic floor spasms and cramps that are like an 7-9 painwise for 5-15 minutes. I'm constantly bleeding (like it never fucking stops) and can't seem to go a single day without leaving a massacre of dark-red bloodstains and these vile jelly-like blood clots in the toilet bowl when I use the bathroom. More than anything though, the pain is maddening. It's just relentless and never lets up.
I have very little privacy since my long-term boyfriend of 8 years is virtually always around. He works from home and has been acting as my carer. He's only been away overnight like twice since I first had surgery and things started to really go downhill, and both times he had a mutual friend stay over to watch me. From his PoV I guess it makes sense both because I can't do much for myself and because it's very apparent how depressed I am.
I also just... really fucking miss my autonomy. I miss jumping in the car on Friday evenings after work to grab some poutine and a matcha bubble tea on a whim just cause I felt like it. I miss going on weekend daytrips into Wales. I miss going to the store to do my own shopping. I miss every dumb little thing I never thought I would. I miss it so much.
Additional background:
I have been passively suicidal since I was 12. I had my first serious depressive episode at 15. I failed to CTB when I was 24 and ended up sectioned in a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks. Police confiscated an exit bag I'd made for myself from Amazon products. My boyfriend and I were long-distance at the time, but he took time off work (fuckers wouldn't give it to him as compassionate leave), took a train the next day, and for the whole time I was inside he walked an hour there and back each day to visit me and take me out for walks and for gingerbread lattes.
My boyfriend can tell how bleak things are for me. I haven't really been hiding it and I don't think I could if I wanted to. And it's just so insanely awful to see how hard he tries. He's been putting on this relentlessly cheery mask around me and doing silly dances and sing-songy chants and nibbling on me and whatever other dumb shit he can think of to try and cheer me up. He cooks for me almost every day and does all the shopping and laundry and cleaning and all the other shit I can't do. He gets me treats he knows I like without prompting and he tries to spend as much time as he can with me outside of work and suggests doing stuff that I like even if he doesn't.
And then I still go and constantly break down crying in front of him most days, telling him how much I just want to stop existing so my pain will end. Usually he manages to keep his mask on, but occasionally it slips and I can see how much it hurts him to see me like this. He keeps on telling me that he'll have to do better, like he isn't already doing a thousand times more than anyone in his situation could be expected to. And he sometimes just gets this helpless look that's utterly heartbreaking. It makes me think of a dog that can tell you're suffering and is desperate to help, but lacks the faculties to understand the problem so it just tries whatever it can think of which might be helpful in a different context (maybe bringing you your slippers or something) without understanding that it's simply powerless and can't help at all.
The actual point of the thread:
I truly feel like it's uniquely unfair to have so much love and support for so long and have it not be enough. I know how that must sound, especially to people who are here because they're lonely. I'm not minimizing your problems at all, loneliness is truly awful. But this is unbearable to me.
Despite how worthless I constantly feel he truly, genuinely loves me. I really am his favorite person. I've struggled to believe it for the longest time, but he's proven it to me over and over till there's just no way to really doubt it anymore. It makes no sense. I'm a depressive, whiny, unstable, lazy, selfish, useless cripple. And he loves me anyway. I guess there's no reason at all to our attachments. Sometimes I'll catch him looking at me with this soft expression of affection like I painted the sky and ignited the sun. He will be devastated when I catch my bus and I know that. More than devastated. I don't think he'll ever be the same.
I've broached the topic of signing some papers without any fuss to get a civil union so that he'll get my flat without any inheritance tax and he straight up wouldn't hear of it. To be clear, his parents have basically no money and were never able to help him financially. He's got significant student debt. He's managed to claw his way to just about paying off a small flat in a cheap area over more than a decade of work and careful budgeting (like foregoing even fairly essential stuff like car ownership) and staying at home with his hoarder mom in a truly awful house for way longer than he should have. He doesn't have much in the way of financial security. And then there's me who got given a flat to live in by their parents when I went to uni. And he won't even think of taking it, even though there's no one else I owe more than him for almost the last decade of my life. To him it's not even a choice. Not a thought. He isn't tempted at all.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm completely trapped. I'm hurting the person I care about the most every single day, even if he'd never see it that way. Each day is unbearable and then I have to live it anyway. And if by some miracle I'm able find an opportunity to catch my bus I just know I would be leaving behind a trail of broken people.
I haven't even mentioned my mom, but I'm the most like her out of her kids. She's also had suicidal ideation in her past and issues with her mental health. I've always been really close with her. And I genuinely think it might drive her to do the same. I was unplanned and I know she'd literally bought the morning after pill and decided not to take it. And lately I find myself resenting her for that.
I wish I could just wink out of existence without a trace, with no collateral damage. The human condition is just so fucking bleak and thankless. As a queer person I can't help but look at the society I live in and all others around me becoming increasingly cruel, and I just feel this bone-deep disgust for being the same species. I want to pull off my skin and set it alight. I want to open my wrists and let the poison spill out. I want to scrape the marrow out from inside my bones. Just existing in a world this cruel and indifferent makes me feel slimy and gross and I want out.
But I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm lost.
I don't really know why I posted this. Maybe as a sort of journalling device. Or maybe for the sense of community. Because really I know there isn't any combination of words anyone could type that could fix my situation. Feel free to engage with this however you like, if you want. I think I'd appreciate that. Even if it can't fix my life. Sorry and thank you.
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