how to cope with a desperate need for affection?

[ecmnesia]

as pathetic as it is I am extremely emotionally starved, more than anything else I crave affection and connections, still I failed all of my previous attempts which made me isolate. I thought I'd get used to being lonely, I didn't, I wish more than anything else that someone would understand me and stay by my side, someone who could support me and love as much as I'd care for them.

Because of that I'm usually clingy, desperate and go out of my way to please and be likeable even when i only receive a minimum share of kindness. I get attached to easily.

Needless to say, that pushes people away.

Am I the only one who struggles with this? Is there something I can do? I can't honestly stand it anymore.

 

[Dragonfire]

I struggle with the same thing. I don't know what to do about it though.

 

[almost_dead]

idk but i will kms

 

[donquixote42]

I cut.

 

[Ghost2211]

Would having a small pet help? They don't judge and they'll hug forever.

 

[Dragonfire]

I have 3 kittens they don't seem to help. But it might be different for you

 

[Lilacmoon]

as pathetic as it is I am extremely emotionally starved, more than anything else I crave affection and connections, still I failed all of my previous attempts which made me isolate. I thought I'd get used to being lonely, I didn't, I wish more than anything else that someone would understand me and stay by my side, someone who could support me and love as much as I'd care for them.

Because of that I'm usually clingy, desperate and go out of my way to please and be likeable even when i only receive a minimum share of kindness. I get attached to easily.

Needless to say, that pushes people away.

Am I the only one who struggles with this? Is there something I can do? I can't honestly stand it anymore.

i cope by acting out and begging for more affection. don't be like me. i also attach can first sight sometimes. it's not fun being this emotionally volatile and starved all at once.

 

[almost_dead]

I have 3 kittens they don't seem to help. But it might be different for you

this is a robbery , gimme the kittens

 

[watsonsmith]

I empathise with you and I am sorry you are going through this. These types of issues are generally deeply rooted in your psyche and the only solution appears to be long-term psychotherapy.

I did go through quite a few years of it and in hindsight, had I applied what I learnt about myself I wouldn't have ruined the most important relationship of my life. Sadly it is too late now it appears – I did push her away.

But it is worth a shot, if you are not beyond the point of no return and you still envision committing to someone again, I wouldn't give up. There are people out there who will love you and return your affection.

The greatest lesson of my life is to always be honest and manifest truth as much as you can. So when you are building a relationship with someone and you are aware of your issues, just be blunt with them and tell them what your needs are. Eventually you will come across someone who understands it and perhaps even appreciates it. I am sure you are a very caring person.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Same boat.

 

[crybaby]

Same

 

[TooConscious]

With money, you're paying for it one way or another.

 

[muffin222]

Have you ever heard of inner child healing? I know it sounds hokey, but I recommend googling methods to connect with and heal your inner child. I used to feel the same way: starving to death emotionally and looking for love and affection from anyone who would give it to me. Since I started connecting with my inner child and learning to self-soothe a bit better, I don't feel as hungry emotionally. I visualize my inner child, talk to her, give her praise I never received as a child (I'm proud of you, I love you, you deserve love, you're special, etc). It felt extremely awkward at first, but over time, the more I did it, the more my inner child began to respond and relax.
Another thing I do when I feel the desperation hit is hug myself.

I read that hugging ourselves releases the same feel-good chemicals that a hug from someone else does. I take a deep breath and just hug myself for 30 seconds to a minute. This also felt very awkward at first, but over time the effect became more powerful; I feel very calm inside and loved when I hug myself now.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this- it's very painful, but we can learn to give ourselves some of the affection we long for

 

[dundyfundy]

I want it as well.

I tried working on myself, but it's all bs - you can only use loving yourself so much before not being able to stand up fast enough over the hurdle. And key is how fast you stand up. If you take too long, you might be starting below the initial point.

I guess I am in a better position than some, though it's really not making me feel any less suicidal. Got a decent amount of friends who I can talk to and also meet up on an occassional weekend, when they are not busy with work/family. But was never enough.

Recently got a housemate who was and is one of the best friends, could always talk about life. We talked about how we could motivate each other with our own goals, focus if we ever moved in. But that's not working out mostly. Still many depressed nights, still trip up the same on my weight loss journey.

I would like a serious relationship, think it would. Everywhere you read people say you have to love / fix yourself first. I think that's nonsense, some people need external motivator. Existence of that can help, not them physically/actively making you help yourself. Despite being suicidal my co-workers and my co-workers and and friends find me to be really cheerful, cracking jokes. So I wouldn't be unloading on my partner. Plus I have a really good career, and mostly great character (no one is perfect).

But the bad side of me unfortunately is that I have high standards. On top of good personality I place looks pretty high up. Though my friends keep saying I have unconventional choice for looks, so maybe it's not that bad? But because of this I try to uphol myself to same standards, especially getting into a really good shape. Hence not trying to find a partner all out, as I would like to meet the standards I hold someone towards. Which is one of the rabbit holes not helping me climb out of these suicidal thoughts, contributing maybe 10-20%. Main issue of course is being forced to work - no freedom to live as you want, even if you "do what you love" and get very well compensated for it.

 

[WaitingWesting]

Im also incredibly lonely. I just want someone to hold or be held by. Deep down i dont feel worthy of this so i avoid seeking it. I have dogs...that helps ease the pain sometimes but its still not a human connection. Im sending my love to u.

 

[noaccount]

None of that is pathetic. Myself, I pride myself on not being a people-pleaser, and being pretty upfront about it when things are wrong - it does make things difficult in this culture though. I've reminded myself, I have the peace of my convictions, of knowing what my aims are, I have people I count as allies and role-models, and that makes a difference, but that isn't enough.

And yeah I agree, it's not that some other people have "worked on themselves" enough that they dont need other people's help anymore - it's just that they're getting the things from other people that they need.

It's a lot of trial and error I think. Trying to form relationships, it's not the end of the world if things fall through with one person, or a string of them, also I'm in the U.S. and people are more distant here than in some parts of the world, a few people I knew from Brazil told me about how alienating it was here and how it was more normal over there for people to be physically affectionate with their friends outside of romantic relationships, even if there were other things that were more dangerous that made them have to leave.

I haven't had very stable housing for a lot of the time so I've felt unsure if I could provide a good home for cats or dogs but yeah that's a very real thing they're lifesavers.

You're all worthy of all of that, by the way, and lots of people aren't looking for someone who's "more recovered" or more "normal" they're just looking for people who are interested in their lives who they can be real with. And I see all of you here like every day people who are under way more heavy shit than I am still doing way more to reach out and show up for each other than I am. Even if what you want in life is different than social norms, because of lgbt orientations or because some of us are autistic or because of anything, there are other people out there who want the same things!