Help How to come to terms with catching the bus

[Luminous_]

I've been actively suicidal for a few months now, because of mental issues it would come and go and I'd feel happy and hopeful again, because of this I ended up asking for help from my mother and got into crisis teams and am due for a secondary care psychologist assessment in the coming weeks. I was hopeful I could recover, but yesterday it hit me that I can't do my job right, I'm too retarded to do other jobs because of disability, I will just further burden my family by living so I have chosen to die much sooner than I anticipated which would have been years in the future. I want to feel joy and peace when I go but I feel so sad about all the things I'm going to miss out on as a freshly 18 year old. I never got to drive, I never got to move out, never got to take a holiday with just friends and maybe the worst of all I have to leave my cat behind- I don't know what will happen after I'm gone as he can't live in the main house with my family, he's anxious and there's other large pets. I think I'll ask my boyfriend to take him.

I want to come to terms with my death, but there's so many things I wanted to do that I'll never get to (I know once I do them, they probably wouldn't have even been as fun as I imagine anyways tho lol)and I'll be leaving devastation in my wake to those who loved me most, I want to plan it for maybe a month or two but I'm afraid I'll just end up forgetting it all again and want to live even though I'm so tired of being in a world I don't belong in, all searches on how to accept death is either for people who are experiencing loss or have a terminal illness. I guess I just need help figuring out how to stop feeling sad and scared at the end of it all :) being in a crisis team will also be tricky, I want to leave without it being suspicious because they might just lock me away in a ward

 

[gothbird]

What you're feeling makes sense. The sadness. The fear. Everything you wanted but didn't get. You're mourning the life you almost had, even as you choose to step away from it. That grief is part of dying on your own terms. And saying goodbye to what could have been will always sting, no matter how certain you are.

Yeh, it's complicated by crisis teams, family, your boyfriend, your cat. It always is. The world doesn't let go of us gently. Especially not when you're young and they've pinned their hopes to you.
But you do not owe them your suffering.
That doesn't mean your pain is invisible. Your boyfriend, your family, your cat...yes, they'll grieve. You can't avoid that. But love that demands your continued misery isn't love. It's fear dressed up. And you're allowed to say no more.

That said, I also want to challenge you on one thing: you are not worthless. You're not "too r*tarded" to do other jobs. That's not your voice talking. That's shame talking. Internalised cruelty. Maybe even trauma. But I can tell from what you wrote you're thoughtful, articulate, and honest. That already makes you more equipped than half the world. I'm disabled too, so I really do understand how it can feel. Please don't think I'm dismissing that. This world isn't made for us, and it often punishes us just for existing differently. But even so there is still a lot we can do. It may not be easy, and it may not look like what others expect, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful.

As for the crisis team: yes, they will interfere if they suspect anything. So play the part. Lie if you need to. Say you're feeling better. Say you're grateful. Tell them what they want to hear, and use the time to build the exit you want...whether that's death, or a new life, or something else. You don't owe them your truth. Save that for people who care.

 

[road2joy]

Based on what you wrote I don't think you're ready to kill yourself.

 

[catfriend]

but yesterday it hit me that I can't do my job right, I'm too retarded to do other jobs because of disability, I will just further burden my family by living so I have chosen to die much sooner than I anticipated which would have been years in the future

this part sticks out to me especially. hang in there! this, too, shall pass, and you'll realize how utterly premature ctb right now would've been.

i was a total mess at 18 so i get it. you're an adult, but like, barely, and there's a lot to figure out. lean on others for help when you need it. best wishes to you. :)