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dazed.daydreamer
Member
- Jun 26, 2024
- 27
Hello,
I've felt heavily detached from my own life for a long time. It's not a super intense, episodic sensation—I don't feel like I'm out of my body or anything like that. It's more like I don't feel quite like a real person. I genuinely forget that I can make decisions and initiate things myself. It feels like I just follow along with the bare minimum of what's expected of me. Other than that, I mostly rot alone in my room, and don't feel motivated to do much else. The anhedonia, lethargy, and complete lack of motivation may ebb and flow over time depending on how depressed I am, but this is generally the way I've been for years now. I feel largely detached from my own emotions—not that they were never there, but more like they are heavily muffled most of the time, if that makes sense. I'm guessing this developed subconsciously as a coping mechanism while I was dealing with depression and other issues as a kid that I felt out of control of, felt weak for/ashamed of, and didn't want to bother anyone about. I would guess this started about 10 years ago, though not as severe at that time.
Despite being frustrating (and probably being a large barrier to any chance of me recovering), I guess it is effective in that it's probably the main thing that's prevented me from killing myself over the years. I don't want to live, and logically thinking through it, it makes more sense for me to CTB. But I'm so spaced out and exhausted that I usually don't have it in me to do anything about it. I am logically(?) suicidal, but the emotional force behind it is usually heavily subdued, if not entirely muted. This doesn't translate to me being functional though— at this point I mostly just bedrot, get food, sometimes do bare-minimum stuff for school/work/social expectations (if even that). I'm already not living at this point, my body is just surviving, which requires a bunch of resources from other people to maintain. It's a waste and there's no reason to keep doing it, no one is getting anything out of this, it's just prolonging the inevitable.
I guess I'm asking if this is relatable for anyone, and if anyone has advice for coming back into myself enough to truly *feel* the weight of my situation, most likely so I can finally CTB. I think writing my note may help, it did a while ago during an episode where I very nearly went through with suicide (I regret not doing so at that time)
I've felt heavily detached from my own life for a long time. It's not a super intense, episodic sensation—I don't feel like I'm out of my body or anything like that. It's more like I don't feel quite like a real person. I genuinely forget that I can make decisions and initiate things myself. It feels like I just follow along with the bare minimum of what's expected of me. Other than that, I mostly rot alone in my room, and don't feel motivated to do much else. The anhedonia, lethargy, and complete lack of motivation may ebb and flow over time depending on how depressed I am, but this is generally the way I've been for years now. I feel largely detached from my own emotions—not that they were never there, but more like they are heavily muffled most of the time, if that makes sense. I'm guessing this developed subconsciously as a coping mechanism while I was dealing with depression and other issues as a kid that I felt out of control of, felt weak for/ashamed of, and didn't want to bother anyone about. I would guess this started about 10 years ago, though not as severe at that time.
Despite being frustrating (and probably being a large barrier to any chance of me recovering), I guess it is effective in that it's probably the main thing that's prevented me from killing myself over the years. I don't want to live, and logically thinking through it, it makes more sense for me to CTB. But I'm so spaced out and exhausted that I usually don't have it in me to do anything about it. I am logically(?) suicidal, but the emotional force behind it is usually heavily subdued, if not entirely muted. This doesn't translate to me being functional though— at this point I mostly just bedrot, get food, sometimes do bare-minimum stuff for school/work/social expectations (if even that). I'm already not living at this point, my body is just surviving, which requires a bunch of resources from other people to maintain. It's a waste and there's no reason to keep doing it, no one is getting anything out of this, it's just prolonging the inevitable.
I guess I'm asking if this is relatable for anyone, and if anyone has advice for coming back into myself enough to truly *feel* the weight of my situation, most likely so I can finally CTB. I think writing my note may help, it did a while ago during an episode where I very nearly went through with suicide (I regret not doing so at that time)