How to build up courage?

[bloomingdahlia_]

I need help..
LIterally everytime i attempt to kill myself i just end up getting "paralyzed" and i cant do it for some reason. im really tired of this...ive been trying and trying and i just cant do it even if i want to. im struggling to fight off my instincts.
By the way i choose hanging as my method.
like i would tie the rope and create a knot then put it around my neck and i just end up doing nothing but stare at the wall. its so frustrating. i just want to complete it. i just want to ctb...
Any tips will be appreciated.

 

[landslide2]

hello and welcome. it is possible it means deep down ur not ready, and that's okay. this is my method as well, and i am struggling with SI. do u feel like sharing what brought u here?

 

[bloomingdahlia_]

hello and welcome. it is possible it means deep down ur not ready, and that's okay. this is my method as well, and i am struggling with SI. do u feel like sharing what brought u here?

hi!! im glad im not the only one.
i think im maybe not ready but im just so over it...ive been actively planning my suicide for almost 2 months now. im just so tired and so over it. everyday just gets harder. i cant keep going. i dont know why i just cant do it..
i joined here because i want to connect with people who are experiencing the same things that im going through right now.

 

[landslide2]

you are in good company. there are people that are here only for a short while, some leave and come back, and others still struggling with SI over a much longer period. it's not an easy decision to make.

 

[Iris Blue]

I don't think I can give any tips, but I do understand what you are going through. And although I don't know exactly what may go through your mind during the process maybe I can let you know a bit about what it is like for me and see if you can relate?

Struggling to CTB and actually doing it is understandably not an easy thing to do. Even though for me wanting to die is the one thing I want most actually doing it is a whole different story. Lots of risks and fears of the unknown. I wish I could just do it but there is so much I feel I need to be aware of to avoid it failing or worse me ending up worse than I already was. It also however makes me feel like a failure that I can't do something that I feel is so simple but also realistically anything but that. Also you mention your method of choice is hanging, I'm far from a professional, but I've heard a lot of the time for the most part the strong urge to want to kill yourself and leading up to actually doing it only lasts for a certain amount of time. So the preparation of getting everything ready will probably take up most of the time the strongest feeling is present. Again, I could be mistaken so probably don't take my word for it. I wish it was easier to end things SI is a very powerful thing which sucks for people who want to die.

Welcome to SaSu also, I know the feeling being able to finally open up and express your thoughts and feelings about stuff a lot of people don't like to talk about. I hope you find here what you were looking for :)

 

[Ramsay Fiction]

I can put myself in your shoes for just a moment and I too would likely just be staring at the wall. It's a very difficult thing to overcome, for sure.

 

[Cyagangy]

I need help..
LIterally everytime i attempt to kill myself i just end up getting "paralyzed" and i cant do it for some reason. im really tired of this...ive been trying and trying and i just cant do it even if i want to. im struggling to fight off my instincts.
By the way i choose hanging as my method.
like i would tie the rope and create a knot then put it around my neck and i just end up doing nothing but stare at the wall. its so frustrating. i just want to complete it. i just want to ctb...
Any tips will be appreciated.

I say if you don't have the courage then just don't do it. Suicide is truly the last solution so some part of you knows you want to go on. I recommend listening to it.

 

[bloomingdahlia_]

I don't think I can give any tips, but I do understand what you are going through. And although I don't know exactly what may go through your mind during the process maybe I can let you know a bit about what it is like for me and see if you can relate?

Struggling to CTB and actually doing it is understandably not an easy thing to do. Even though for me wanting to die is the one thing I want most actually doing it is a whole different story. Lots of risks and fears of the unknown. I wish I could just do it but there is so much I feel I need to be aware of to avoid it failing or worse me ending up worse than I already was. It also however makes me feel like a failure that I can't do something that I feel is so simple but also realistically anything but that. Also you mention your method of choice is hanging, I'm far from a professional, but I've heard a lot of the time for the most part the strong urge to want to kill yourself and leading up to actually doing it only lasts for a certain amount of time. So the preparation of getting everything ready will probably take up most of the time the strongest feeling is present. Again, I could be mistaken so probably don't take my word for it. I wish it was easier to end things SI is a very powerful thing which sucks for people who want to die.

Welcome to SaSu also, I know the feeling being able to finally open up and express your thoughts and feelings about stuff a lot of people don't like to talk about. I hope you find here what you were looking for :)

i can relate! and thank you for sharing your experience :)
ive wanted to die for many years but actually dying...im not so sure. maybe i dont want to admit it, but im actually afraid as to what will happen next. maybe thats why. i actually dont worry that much about failing...its really just the survival instinct i have to get over. its so hard. it makes me hate myself more because i keep allowing myself to suffer like this by continuing to live. i already feel so bad about myself and this is making it so much worse.
and as for the hanging part.. i agree that the strong urge to attempt suicide goes away once youre done preparing. this happens to me everytime. suddenly my urge to die is gone once i actually have....to attempt. its like the world doesnt want me to die and want me to continue my suffering as if it isnt enough. its a very hard decision to make...for sure.

 

[clitoralcancer]

Blooming, thank you for your honesty, doing this CTB for me at least has been such a process. I have been medicated since 1982 and am now 52 years old, and I have lived with this beast in all of it's formations visiting my life on and off throughout the years.
I am just now ready to do this, it's truly a process and perhaps you are not ready, and if you do still have some hope it's important to search that out and search out alternative means of going on and if not and you are ready, just understand it may be take you some time to actually come to terms.
I plan on purchasing a gun within the next month and honestly I may look at that gun and be paralyzed as well, I don't think so but I can certainly empathize with what you're going through having been in the same situation countless times

 

[bloomingdahlia_]

I say if you don't have the courage then just don't do it. Suicide is truly the last solution so some part of you knows you want to go on. I recommend listening to it.

thats why i hate myself so much. i know part of me wants to keep going and i dont know why. everyday is getting so unbearable and i just dont understand why i still have a little part inside of me that doesnt want to give up..that wants to continue living this life. having a very strong urge to die...but also having a very strong urge to live. its the worst thing to feel. im so over it.

 

[landslide2]

Blooming, thank you for your honesty, doing this CTB for me at least has been such a process. I have been medicated since 1982 and am now 52 years old, and I have lived with this beast in all of it's formations visiting my life on and off throughout the years.
I am just now ready to do this, it's truly a process and perhaps you are not ready, and if you do still have some hope it's important to search that out and search out alternative means of going on and if not and you are ready, just understand it may be take you some time to actually come to terms.
I plan on purchasing a gun within the next month and honestly I may look at that gun and be paralyzed as well, I don't think so but I can certainly empathize with what you're going through having been in the same situation countless times

hello and welcome and thank u for also sharing with us

 

[skylight7]

I need help..
LIterally everytime i attempt to kill myself i just end up getting "paralyzed" and i cant do it for some reason. im really tired of this...ive been trying and trying and i just cant do it even if i want to. im struggling to fight off my instincts.
By the way i choose hanging as my method.
like i would tie the rope and create a knot then put it around my neck and i just end up doing nothing but stare at the wall. its so frustrating. i just want to complete it. i just want to ctb...
Any tips will be appreciated.

I could have written this myself. Didn't know how to express it though. So, thank you. I totally feel the same way. I look at people who have done it, and I feel envious that they did it, and ended their suffering. I think one of my biggest obstacles besides courage is figuring out which method is the most sure way of being successful at it. I tested a belt t around my neck a few times in the past, not to do it that day, but to test the pressure, and there ends up being a space between my neck and the belt, which makes it useless. When I here people hanged themselves, I'm like, "How." So, I don't know which of all these methods are the fastest, surest way, but I hope to figure it out eventually, so I know that I have a method to rely on should I decide to use it some day.

 

[clitoralcancer]

I could have written this myself. Didn't know how to express it though. So, thank you. I totally feel the same way. I look at people who have done it, and I feel envious that they did it, and ended their suffering. I think one of my biggest obstacles besides courage is figuring out which method is the most sure way of being successful at it. I tested a belt t around my neck a few times in the past, not to do it that day, but to test the pressure, and there ends up being a space between my neck and the belt, which makes it useless. When I here people hanged themselves, I'm like, "How." So, I don't know which of all these methods are the fastest, surest way, but I hope to figure it out eventually, so I know that I have a method to rely on should I decide to use it some day.

There is a lot of info out there ( on the web) about the specifics and various ways of hanging, I wish I had a link to a great post and diagram somebody posted on here that I just found today, very informative. Google sanctioned suicide hanging and there should be a link to the hanging MEGA THREAD.
I should add that I'm still new here myself so this is the best way to search ANY topic on Here via google

 

[uncat_]

if you know you're ready and need an extra push, being intoxicated could help.

 

[bloomingdahlia_]

if you know you're ready and need an extra push, being intoxicated could help.

oh? that can help?

 

[Soupster]

oh? that can help?

Only for some. For many others alcohol greatly increases the natural SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, I'm sorry you suffer, I personally really wish suicide is as straightforward as just choosing to never wake again, I find it cruel and dreadful how it's so difficult to die. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[clitoralcancer]

I find myself in a similar situation and I even responded previously, I am on a very very strong short acting medication, I takes Suboxone (even though I have never ever been an opiate user) it has hands down changed my life The past couple of years that I have been on it, they(very well respected doctor with a lot of experience in pharmaceuticals blah blah blah) think it has something to do with the naloxone which is the opiate reversal medication used to reverse that makes up the second component of Suboxone , hands down it has been a game changer but I still go through episodes. One thing about when you're on this medication with depression, you can never go off it, hands down if you have major depression it can change your life but the depression that will follow is more so than just the average person who tries to wean off, there's a lot of physiology involved and it has to do with the ingredient of naloxone which works as an opiate reversal,
To get to my point I'm going to be purchasing a gun hopefully within the next two weeks, ( Jesus Christ this research that has to go into this is batshit crazy I always thought a gun would work not realizing the intricacies that must be involved of caliber and all the other specifics, and other stuff ....I have no idea about)
Anyhow I think it may be necessary for me to go off my medication for a week to falsely bring on an episode, I would never ever ever encourage somebody to kill themselves never and if you are having second thoughts or feeling a sign of hope then absolutely run with it but if not, but perhaps trying to go off any medications you are currently on. I have been on medication since 1982 so if anybody has any questions about the Subutex please feel free to ask me. I have also had electroshock therapy and transcranium magnetic therapy along with 40 years of different antidepressants, even those prior to the invention of SSRI in 1990
I'm doing this response with google voice talk to text so apologies for the multiple errors

 

[Unknown21]

I say if you don't have the courage then just don't do it. Suicide is truly the last solution so some part of you knows you want to go on. I recommend listening to it.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy, some of us need to commit suicide before things get worse.

 

[kilowatt]

To me it sounds like you're not quire ready or sure of your choice. Give it time, death is inevitable in the end.

 

[Cyagangy]

Unfortunately, it's not that easy, some of us need to commit suicide before things get worse.

True, but if you need further encouragement just to do it or seek more mental fortitude it's a sign your just not ready. That's completely fine aswell.

 

[Cress]

hi!! im glad im not the only one.
i think im maybe not ready but im just so over it...ive been actively planning my suicide for almost 2 months now. im just so tired and so over it. everyday just gets harder. i cant keep going. i dont know why i just cant do it..
i joined here because i want to connect with people who are experiencing the same things that im going through right now.

In my experience it literally took years Going from thinking about a method of suicide to actually internalizing it and accepting it and committing on the method. I was initially horrified and literally almost every single method when I first Uncovered or thought about them. The most recent one was considering jumping in front of a train. I was really only paused by the fact that my younger cousin jumped in front of a train recently.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I planed to hang myself together with a partner this May. We planed every detail half a year in advance but in the end I chickened out. My impression is that the fear of death is inversely proportional to the time until death. An early point of no return would help, for example engage a hitman and wait what happens.