How to be positive when souce of suffering is outside, example -DEBT

[nance]

My family is in debt, it's not my debt, specifically my dad's to be honest...but i don't want my mom to suffer with him, i hate how useless i am, and have been, even though i should have worked harder then anyone else but i decided to block it out and just be mindless internet zombie, i am a monster who didn't do anything, just did dating and all the fun, saying to myself there is no way i can help in a debt so big, BUT then i saw other people do it and i still can't, i feel it's too late, there is no time left (since last 2 years i feel this way, before that i was chill) i also didn't do anything for myself, like getting a skill or job, thinking i will just kill myself....so in a nutshell i am just stupid. Please God give me some advice.

 

[Sulyya]

I just don't know much about debt. It's certainly not your fault. It probably isn't too late but I don't know too much about your situation which you don't have to share if you don't want.

About being positive despite outside pressures, I suppose that's the philosophy of 'stoicism'. Which suggests that even if it's a whole world of problems attacking you, taking control of your mind anyway and doing whatever good that you can. It's something that takes mindfulness practice sort of, and isn't perfect like a superpower but can be very mood altering and stress lowering.

 

[Mr. Squiggles]

My family is in debt, it's not my debt, specifically my dad's to be honest...but i don't want my mom to suffer with him, i hate how useless i am, and have been, even though i should have worked harder then anyone else but i decided to block it out and just be mindless internet zombie, i am a monster who didn't do anything, just did dating and all the fun, saying to myself there is no way i can help in a debt so big, BUT then i saw other people do it and i still can't, i feel it's too late, there is no time left (since last 2 years i feel this way, before that i was chill) i also didn't do anything for myself, like getting a skill or job, thinking i will just kill myself....so in a nutshell i am just stupid. Please God give me some advice.

no, you seem smart and reflected. i dont know about your creativity.. but you could try to write it down. maybe take 30 minutes. not the problem, but how someone with the capabilities would solve it in a year. the big steps on earning and growth, what is necessary and desired, to the tiniest babysteps of going outside, talking to your loved ones, staying healthy. see where you would crash and burn. where the problems arise and have a closer look at that. maybe not the same day, it can be very exhausting.

but once you see the full extent of the monster its not so scary anymore. and when you are alright with the tiniest steps.. sometimes a step back.. you can cut it down. limb by limb. maybe you cant kill it. but you might enjoy the fight

 

[nance]

I just don't know much about debt. It's certainly not your fault. It probably isn't too late but I don't know too much about your situation which you don't have to share if you don't want.

About being positive despite outside pressures, I suppose that's the philosophy of 'stoicism'. Which suggests that even if it's a whole world of problems attacking you, taking control of your mind anyway and doing whatever good that you can. It's something that takes mindfulness practice sort of, and isn't perfect like a superpower but can be very mood altering and stress lowering.

Amount is around 550,000 dollars, according to google change from my currency.

no, you seem smart and reflected. i dont know about your creativity.. but you could try to write it down. maybe take 30 minutes. not the problem, but how someone with the capabilities would solve it in a year. the big steps on earning and growth, what is necessary and desired, to the tiniest babysteps of going outside, talking to your loved ones, staying healthy. see where you would crash and burn. where the problems arise and have a closer look at that. maybe not the same day, it can be very exhausting.

but once you see the full extent of the monster its not so scary anymore. and when you are alright with the tiniest steps.. sometimes a step back.. you can cut it down. limb by limb. maybe you cant kill it. but you might enjoy the fight

Will try. But most of time i feel, whatever i do is gonna be useless, sometimes i think i should just run away from home and start a new life but i don't want to leave my mom alone and mom won't leave father.

 

[Sulyya]

Do you research or read much about debt? Yeah I don't know about lowering it and people here probably aren't the experts really. Are there jobs you are thinking about, even small ones? Working itself, even for a little money, is good for the mind I think. It's forward progress, like nronksr talked about.

but for the mentality, well it takes mindset work to put money in perspective. Money is part of life and involved in many aspects of it, but it's a shame that it can rule people's minds in different ways, including through debt.

 

[Mr. Squiggles]

overthinking can be a helpful tool too.

 

[nance]

overthinking can be a helpful tool too.

Oh well idk , i told my family how i am suffering and they have decided to marry me off. It's just one thing after another sigh. Today they and groom's family are meeting. I will probably be married before may.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hello there, nance. It sounds like you're in a pretty rough spot right now. Sadly, I'm not God, so I don't know if I'm really qualified to be offering advice on this. That said, I'm definitely willing to try.

first off, I totally get how painful it can be to feel like you're not doing enough for the people you love, especially when they have real problems that you feel you should be trying to solve. I've been there, and I felt worthless too. It's awful. And I get that you love your mom, and you feel like you need to make things better for her sake. I've been there too. But as disappointed as you may feel in yourself for not doing more to change your family's financial situation, you're not a monster, and you're not useless. Moreover, fixing your family's financial crisis should never have been your burden in the first place.

Let's be clear about one thing here: you were a child. Or, if not, a young adult at most. Your place in this world wasn't to solve your parents' problems. It was simply to exist, to grow and to learn so that one day you could build a life for yourself. Your own life, every bit as worthy as your mother's or your father's. That's what any loving parent wants their child to focus on, not the burdens of the last generation.

And deep down, we all know this. Maybe not consciously, not in a way we think about and plan for, but our bodies know it. We are self-interested creatures; we can only really give of ourselves past a certain point once we ourselves are taken care of, regardless of whether we want to or not. So when you tried to confront a problem that was much bigger than you, that you were not prepared for and couldn't possibly be expected to handle, your body shut down. It made you feel weak and tired and helpless. Confronted with the possibility of breaking yourself at a young age on an insurmountable problem that was not yours to bear, it chose the dates and the zombie internet. Your psyche did that to protect you.

So what happened next? You got stuck. Locked in place, unable to really make any progress or develop any skills. But I don't think you're useless, or lazy. I imagine you probably had things you wanted to do, activities you wanted to engage in, but I'd also imagine you probably felt guilty about that. After all, if you had the energy to live your own life, to do things and to grow, then you'd also have energy to throw at the 'problem'. And since you couldn't seem to do that, I'd be willing to bet you probably feel on some level like you don't have the right to do anything else either. It's easier to do nothing, become an internet zombie, because at least then it doesn't feel like you're doing something else with your energy that isn't helping your mom. This may even still be the case.

A great many young people tend to crucify themselves for not being able to fix their parents' lives, and think themselves monsters for being more interested in just existing for themselves. But that's the way it should be. You're supposed to be going on dates, wasting time on the internet, and making dumb choices that don't land you a job or a skillset. That's the way this all works. Expecting more than that out of yourself, when you were never in a position to be able to provide it, is just being unfairly cruel to your own person.

You can love your mother. You can even try to make things better for her, in what capacity you can. You can offer her your support and companionship, be someone she can talk to and lean on when things get hard. But you have to live your own life too, be your own person, and do even that at your own pace. And you can't if you're too busy trying to carry the burden of such a heavy expectation of yourself. You don't have to flame achieved anything by now in order to deserve happiness and your own space in the world.

 

[nance]

Hello there, nance. It sounds like you're in a pretty rough spot right now. Sadly, I'm not God, so I don't know if I'm really qualified to be offering advice on this. That said, I'm definitely willing to try.

first off, I totally get how painful it can be to feel like you're not doing enough for the people you love, especially when they have real problems that you feel you should be trying to solve. I've been there, and I felt worthless too. It's awful. And I get that you love your mom, and you feel like you need to make things better for her sake. I've been there too. But as disappointed as you may feel in yourself for not doing more to change your family's financial situation, you're not a monster, and you're not useless. Moreover, fixing your family's financial crisis should never have been your burden in the first place.

Let's be clear about one thing here: you were a child. Or, if not, a young adult at most. Your place in this world wasn't to solve your parents' problems. It was simply to exist, to grow and to learn so that one day you could build a life for yourself. Your own life, every bit as worthy as your mother's or your father's. That's what any loving parent wants their child to focus on, not the burdens of the last generation.

And deep down, we all know this. Maybe not consciously, not in a way we think about and plan for, but our bodies know it. We are self-interested creatures; we can only really give of ourselves past a certain point once we ourselves are taken care of, regardless of whether we want to or not. So when you tried to confront a problem that was much bigger than you, that you were not prepared for and couldn't possibly be expected to handle, your body shut down. It made you feel weak and tired and helpless. Confronted with the possibility of breaking yourself at a young age on an insurmountable problem that was not yours to bear, it chose the dates and the zombie internet. Your psyche did that to protect you.

So what happened next? You got stuck. Locked in place, unable to really make any progress or develop any skills. But I don't think you're useless, or lazy. I imagine you probably had things you wanted to do, activities you wanted to engage in, but I'd also imagine you probably felt guilty about that. After all, if you had the energy to live your own life, to do things and to grow, then you'd also have energy to throw at the 'problem'. And since you couldn't seem to do that, I'd be willing to bet you probably feel on some level like you don't have the right to do anything else either. It's easier to do nothing, become an internet zombie, because at least then it doesn't feel like you're doing something else with your energy that isn't helping your mom. This may even still be the case.

A great many young people tend to crucify themselves for not being able to fix their parents' lives, and think themselves monsters for being more interested in just existing for themselves. But that's the way it should be. You're supposed to be going on dates, wasting time on the internet, and making dumb choices that don't land you a job or a skillset. That's the way this all works. Expecting more than that out of yourself, when you were never in a position to be able to provide it, is just being unfairly cruel to your own person.

You can love your mother. You can even try to make things better for her, in what capacity you can. You can offer her your support and companionship, be someone she can talk to and lean on when things get hard. But you have to live your own life too, be your own person, and do even that at your own pace. And you can't if you're too busy trying to carry the burden of such a heavy expectation of yourself. You don't have to flame achieved anything by now in order to deserve happiness and your own space in the world.

You have me in tears sir, you are not god but today for me no less, in my religion they say God speaks through people sometimes, no one has ever said such kindness to me, whenever i got the courage to tell my story I did try, but not fully actually, i have a master's degree but as it's in botany it's not very marketable, i am trying to learn to code to switch but it's been hard as i am not consistent. Your text is like a very heavy stone has been lifted from my heart. I just wish i could make clones of me and all of us together could fix everything within short time that we have lol, i have always been anxious everyday, no idea when we no longer have this roof above, in functions thinking will the extended family act same when they know our situation, i have often seen my mom and dad argue, mom saying why don't we quit it all, when my dad donates money to here and there religious or political stuff, then dad says i have lived like a king and will die like one, and when i try to say something he says, we will marry you off good, you don't need to think so much...but what about my poor mother? I have no idea how she can not get angry at dad, i can understand, for dad prestige matter even more than death or any pain but it's all so messed up lord, even yesterday i was denied for money for some materials, while today he donated 11k to community, he won't understand, she won't leave, and i can't fix anything...I applied for a job in school nearby and my dad went ballistic, he said i want to show to world he is broke by taking such low pay job, i want to tell world it's so bad in family he has to rely on me, who will loan him money then, for his business...while all he does is watching tv all day, and brags how he has watched all episodes of this and that show. I begged to let me join his work, but says i didn't study what was needed for it and he doesn't see me worthy. I am sorry i keep rambling, it feels first time in years i have a voice, a person who will hear. I am very sorry to write so much, you reply truly touched my heart.