Help How To Be Less Miserable?

[kane]

I suppose I'm looking for inspiration to make my life less shitty than it feels right now.

It seems unlikely I'll be ctb any time soon. Although my reasons for remaining alive are far from convincing, they're enough to give me pause. Given that I'm very cautious by disposition, I can't see myself ctb without a great deal of conviction, even if I obtain my preferred method.

On the other hand, I don't know how to face my existence without just wanting to numb it all away. I've screwed up my life about as much as it's possible to do. I think I've cut myself off from any kind of meaningful connection with another person. I've done some pretty terrible things. and it's still a deep part of my mind if not my current acts. I also have crippling levels of social anxiety, probably extending to Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm 32 (male), and I haven't worked in years. My body leaves me uncomfortable most of the time. My digestion is completely screwed, with all the fun that brings (I call it IBS, but it's probably linked to anxiety). I have a few minor skin conditions which leave me itchy most days. And my back is also pretty messed up. It's nothing too agonizing compared to what some deal with - just enough to mean I never really feel comfortable or well. Plus I'm incredibly tired most of the time - no matter how much I sleep. I think all of that would be bearable, if I had some kind of meaningful relationship. But like I said, I think I've made that pretty much impossible for myself. So I'm stuck with this huge sense of longing, regret, & despair. I have nothing to make my suffering feel worthwhile.

If I'm going to be stuck here for a while, I don't want to be this miserable bitter shell of a person. If I can't be happy or fulfilled, I'd at least like to be semi-functional. I don't want to be the specter at everyone else's feast. My sister's due to be getting married soon (covid permitting), and I'd like to be able to be genuinely happy for her, rather than wrapped up in yet another reminder of my own perpetual isolation.

Open to any comments or advice, though bear in mind I have tried most of the 'standard' treatment options - CBT, SSRIs, exercise, mindfullness, etc. Just looking for some little thing that might actually make a difference, though my own stubborn nature might make real change impossible.

 

[so tired or manic]

sometimes it's as simple as acceptance. accepting that happiness is far away can bring a peace, which makes happiness easier to get to.

 

[kane]

sometimes it's as simple as acceptance. accepting that happiness is far away can bring a peace, which makes happiness easier to get to.

I've often thought something similar. I think the tricky bit is actually keeping myself in a state of acceptance for any period. I'll tell myself something like 'All you can do is change what you can, and accept what cannot be changed.' And I'll feel a bit better. But a few hours later I'll be back telling myself 'This is completely intolerable!'

 

[timf]

Sometimes hopelessness and despair can be pushed back by actions that contribute to a feeling of control. For example, if you can offer a word of encouragement or do something that helps someone else, you can begin to see yourself as taking control.

Sometimes small steps can help build a foundation from which the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune can be better withstood.

 

[kane]

Sometimes hopelessness and despair can be pushed back by actions that contribute to a feeling of control. For example, if you can offer a word of encouragement or do something that helps someone else, you can begin to see yourself as taking control.

Sometimes small steps can help build a foundation from which the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune can be better withstood.

That's true, feeling like you've helped others can make you feel more empowered. It's finding ways to do that which don't get sabotaged by negative social anxiety.

 

[CC123]

Volunteering at a no-kill animal shelter can be most rewarding.
Helping kids find their forever pet is wonderful.

 

[Mia Wallace]

I suppose I'm looking for inspiration to make my life less shitty than it feels right now.

It seems unlikely I'll be ctb any time soon. Although my reasons for remaining alive are far from convincing, they're enough to give me pause. Given that I'm very cautious by disposition, I can't see myself ctb without a great deal of conviction, even if I obtain my preferred method.

On the other hand, I don't know how to face my existence without just wanting to numb it all away. I've screwed up my life about as much as it's possible to do. I think I've cut myself off from any kind of meaningful connection with another person. I've done some pretty terrible things. and it's still a deep part of my mind if not my current acts. I also have crippling levels of social anxiety, probably extending to Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm 32 (male), and I haven't worked in years. My body leaves me uncomfortable most of the time. My digestion is completely screwed, with all the fun that brings (I call it IBS, but it's probably linked to anxiety). I have a few minor skin conditions which leave me itchy most days. And my back is also pretty messed up. It's nothing too agonizing compared to what some deal with - just enough to mean I never really feel comfortable or well. Plus I'm incredibly tired most of the time - no matter how much I sleep. I think all of that would be bearable, if I had some kind of meaningful relationship. But like I said, I think I've made that pretty much impossible for myself. So I'm stuck with this huge sense of longing, regret, & despair. I have nothing to make my suffering feel worthwhile.

If I'm going to be stuck here for a while, I don't want to be this miserable bitter shell of a person. If I can't be happy or fulfilled, I'd at least like to be semi-functional. I don't want to be the specter at everyone else's feast. My sister's due to be getting married soon (covid permitting), and I'd like to be able to be genuinely happy for her, rather than wrapped up in yet another reminder of my own perpetual isolation.

Open to any comments or advice, though bear in mind I have tried most of the 'standard' treatment options - CBT, SSRIs, exercise, mindfullness, etc. Just looking for some little thing that might actually make a difference, though my own stubborn nature might make real change impossible.

The always tired and cutting yourself off from others and going into isolation...resonating with with all of that.
Was there ever a time in your life you were happy? Maybe you can hold onto that? Or have you always felt this way?

 

[Sensei]

This may sound simple and stupid, but do you have a hobby? It can distract you and let you breathe, as well as make your everyday life more interesting and meaningful. My hobbies definitely make me happier and keep me afloat.

 

[kane]

The always tired and cutting yourself off from others and going into isolation...resonating with with all of that.
Was there ever a time in your life you were happy? Maybe you can hold onto that? Or have you always felt this way?

I believe I was pretty happy up to the age of 9, when we moved across country. That's when I first noticed feeling very socially anxious. I went back to my childhood home a few months ago (for the first time since then). It was so strange being reminded of that time in my life - that I really was happy then. On the one hand it was good to remember that life can be worth living, and I felt very grateful to my parents for giving me those years. But it was also painful, recognizing how much I've lost who I was then. I've effectively killed that person, and there's no way back to that mindset.The things I've seen and done since then have cut me off from it. Who I was then would weep to see who I am now. So thinking about it doesn't really provide much comfort. It's like there's a separation, and that happened to a different person.

This may sound simple and stupid, but do you have a hobby? It can distract you and let you breathe, as well as make your everyday life more interesting and meaningful. My hobbies definitely make me happier and keep me afloat.

I've been teaching myself to play the guitar for a few months now. It's rewarding in terms of noticing how much I've improved, and it kind of allows my thoughts to take a bit of a backseat. It does take a certain level of energy though - when I'm feeling particularly bad all I'll get from it is disappointment and frustration at how bad I still sound. Other than that I mainly distract myself with various kinds of media, but even that requires a level of focus and energy. I don't really have any proper hobbies. I enjoyed sports as a kid, but now the social anxiety is too great. I was into cross country running a year or two back, but I messed up my knees so now it hurts too much (I still go for walks, but it's not the same.) It's hard to think of anything else you can do around the house that would sustain my interest - I was never really into arts and crafts.