Discussion How to be considerate when ctbing?

[Philosykos]

I hope it's okay I'm making a thread about this; if some kind of megathread already exists for this, I'll gladly remove this.

I'm pretty certain my method of choice will be SN; N is too expensive and probably difficult to get for me, so are F and H (while also bringing with them the insecurity of purity because of the means of acquisition), I'd fail at constructing an exit bag most likely and I know myself well enough to know that I would very likely bow out of hanging or drowning at the crucial part. So if I somehow manage to get my hands on SN here in EU (PMs welcome) that's going to be my ticket.

I wanted to ask what are some of the things I need to consider where other people are concerned? Aside from the fact that ctb will hurt those who care about me, how can I be as considerate as possible to the people I leave behind and potentially drag into this?

I considered packing all my stuff into boxes so that those I leave behind won't have to collect all my stuff which might be painful for them, but I'm fairly close with my neighbour and that might raise suspicion so now I'm thinking of not doing that.

What are other things I could do? What should I do for the person who finds me? Who should that be? I've considered doing it somewhere outside in a secluded place, but that might traumatise some innocent passerby who'd find me so I'm leaning towards either a hotel or the comfort of my own home. My own home is unfortunately just a room in this kind of student setup and I wouldn't want my neighbour to go through that. Maybe send a delayed message to her? 'Don't come into my room, call emergency services. My key is in [insert hidden location within the house]. I'm sorry.'? Or would a hotel be a better option? Maybe leave some kind of note for staff not to come into my room? The thing is that I need enough time to truly die before someone comes around which, with SN, can take up to four hours if I'm not mistaken?

What else could I take care of to make my ctb as little of a burden on anyone as possible? Anything I should or shouldn't mention in my note? I thought about saying that I was at that point for so long already and that nothing anyone could have done would have helped so they shouldn't question that. But I also saw a reddit thread asking people who had dear ones ctb and some said that that sentence actually made it worse.

Anything that comes to mind would be much appreciated!

 

[Aftex]

The only thing I'm really planning is a delayed email, I live alone and don't want my mum to come round to my flat to see why I'm not answering my phone.

Not decided on who to send it to yet but I'm thinking my old manager since he was the mental health guy at the place I worked at and has a few different degrees in mental health related things so is less likely to be messed up over someone emailing him saying they have ctb. It's only going to be to ask him to alert the police to my location well after the fact and I'd rather let the police break it to my family.

 

[Soul]

If I were to choose a hotel, I'd choose a reasonably classy one where I can leave firm "do not disturb" instructions at the front desk and on the door to my room. I could then put a note to the cleaning staff in the vestibule to the room asking them to call the police, not to enter; I'd leave a good tip with that note. Nearer my body I'd leave a note to the police explaining that it's a case of SN suicide and who they should contact. I'd leave any personal notes to family or friends at home, not at the hotel, so they don't get caught in any tangle of bureacracy.

I'm sorry you're contemplating such things. You haven't posted much yet, but your writing has moved me. I wish you good outcomes, whatever you decide to do.

 

[Philosykos]

If I were to choose a hotel, I'd choose a reasonably classy one where I can leave firm "do not disturb" instructions at the front desk and on the door to my room. I could then put a note to the cleaning staff in the vestibule to the room asking them to call the police, not to enter; I'd leave a good tip with that note. Nearer my body I'd leave a note to the police explaining that it's a case of SN suicide and who they should contact. I'd leave any personal notes to family or friends at home, not at the hotel, so they don't get caught in any tangle of bureacracy.

This is a good point, thank you! I'll look for something at least reasonably fancy if I do choose the hotel (money's always a bit tight but I'm sure something can be arranged). As for the note to family and friends, I was contemplating putting them in a Google doc and send the link to it with delayed messaging to some key people who would be free to share the link with anyone who would like to read it. Probably one to my father who could inform the family, one to my best online friend who could share the link with the other Discord friends and one to my neighbour who could share the link with my IRL friends. Then again, maybe putting that kind of duty in the hands of only a few would be unfair and a burden?

I'm sorry you're contemplating such things. You haven't posted much yet, but your writing has moved me. I wish you good outcomes, whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much, you're far too kind.

 

[Soul]

I'll look for something at least reasonably fancy if I do choose the hotel (money's always a bit tight but I'm sure something can be arranged).

I know that tight-money feeling quite well. I don't mean a *very* fancy hotel, but one that's trying to look ok to families.

There's a post around here somewhere with insights from someone who worked at hotels for a long time. I'll try to find it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Anything I should or shouldn't mention in my note? I thought about saying that I was at that point for so long already and that nothing anyone could have done would have helped so they shouldn't question that. But I also saw a reddit thread asking people who had dear ones ctb and some said that that sentence actually made it worse.

When someone communicates, they generate and send a message, and someone receives it and interprets it. One message, two different perspectives.

Some said that the sentence made it worse. I think that is because of how they received it, not because it was inherently harmful.

It seems like there's maybe a paradox here. People want to feel capable of being able to predict and control. Hearing they could not have predicted nor controlled the action, the suicide, leaves them feeling helpless. So now, if I think of all the people who say, "If I only I had known, I would have done something," that may give them an illusion of control, even though they were powerless. The only person who had power was the one who acted on the choice.

Folks have a hard time in the best of circumstances accepting that others are autonomous and outside of their control. And yet, how often do they cry, "I couldn't control myself!"

I would say, write from your heart, and if you want to, speak your truth. And then accept that you can't control how others receive it. To me, a good suicide note says things like, "This is what I love and appreciate about you, this is the practical information you need to know, I acknowledge and empathize with your hurt and suffering, this is what I think you should know about my reasons since I know you will wonder, I made this choice, you could not control it so please do not take on the weight of blaming yourself, and these are all the good things I wish for you in life if they are also what you wish for yourself."

In contrast, and this relates to how people hear things as well... I would like very much to leave my parents a letter with instructions to ease any burdens and responsibilities. By they have always had filters when it comes to anything I say. They attribute motivations to my actions which are utterly wrong. They hear me say something, and they react as if I'd said something else, and they believe I meant something else, no matter how articulately I explain. We have been estranged for many years now because of such things. If I write a letter, they will make assumptions, they will misinterpret even the most clearly stated things. They will do whatever they choose to do, and feel what they feel, regardless of whether I give input or not. If I say nothing, they'll ask themselves if they are at all to blame, and then absolve themselves, or blame themselves for something that wouldn't have been a cause even if any of their actions were the motivation! But if I tell them, genuinely, that my choice has nothing to do with them, then they will reflexively doubt that and try to figure out how they were to blame, and they would still be way off -- or, they would refuse the intended comfort and say, "Well of course I wasn't to blame!" I can't win, so I'm not engaging at all. It sucks. But acceptance is less crazy-making.

If more people worked on acceptance rather than trying to control others, there'd probably be a lot less suicides, and also a lot less people feeling harmed by someone honestly and compassionately saying, "There's nothing you could have done." People feel shamed by that sometimes, rather than relieved. It's pretty irritating that we can't receive things as they are intended, it would make life so much easier and relationships so much better if we could.

 

[Philosykos]

I know that tight-money feeling quite well. I don't mean a *very* fancy hotel, but one that's trying to look ok to families.

There's a post around here somewhere with insights from someone who worked at hotels for a long time. I'll try to find it.

Ooph, I'm looking at hotels now and some are quite nice and for some reason just looking at those pictures, pictures of the staff I feel so guilty. Like I would 'taint' that beautiful establishment where people come to have a good time with my death. This isn't easy. But please, if you ever do happen to come across that post again, I would very much appreciate getting the insight of someone who's worked at hotels. Thank you!

I would say, write from your heart, and if you want to, speak your truth. And then accept that you can't control how others receive it. To me, a good suicide note says things like, "This is what I love and appreciate about you, this is the practical information you need to know, I acknowledge and empathize with your hurt and suffering, this is what I think you should know about my reasons since I know you will wonder, I made this choice, you could not control it so please do not take on the weight of blaming yourself, and these are all the good things I wish for you in life if they are also what you wish for yourself."

Thank you so much for your insight, GoodPersonEffed. You are right of course; I can't control the way people will interpret my words. Personally, I was planning to write about my reasons, give the readers a little insight into my mind and how self-destructive it has become. I want them to know that I bear no one ill will for anything they may or may not have done. I want them to know that the beauty in this world was not lost on me, that I know that some of them care for me a great deal and would have loved very much to see me happy someday. I want to apologise to them for not trying harder or not being able to anymore. I want them to know that despite all those things, simply being me has become so much of a fight which I have to engage in on a daily basis, that it's worn me out to such an extent that I just don't have the strength nor the will to do it much longer. I'm weary and tired and most of all I hope that even those who do not condone suicide would understand in some small way why I chose to do it and perhaps - sometime after the hopefully not too severe grief has ebbed away - be able to feel relieved for me that I found the peace that I won't in life. The serenity that my mind won't let me find.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Imo, that was a perfect letter. No, really. I don't bullshit. Even if others don't receive it, I did. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Soul]

This isn't easy. But please, if you ever do happen to come across that post again, I would very much appreciate getting the insight of someone who's worked at hotels. Thank you!

No, it isn't easy. And your concern about the effects on others is quite touching.

I have dug up that thread for you and I hope it illuminates something.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-check-into-hotel-undetected.19654/post-370325