To be honest, I will never be at peace with suicide. I don't consider it a choice, just another corner I have been backed into by life.
It's just an end to everything. I think anyone considering taking their own life should do so with no expectations that there is anything better waiting for them on the other side, or that there is even an "other side" at all.
I don't know how I will end up taking my own life yet but I need to get a move on. I prefer a method that will destroy my body but I doubt I will gain access to such a thing. I wish I had a gun, and the correct type. I don't however, so I will probably end up jumping or-if desperate and in a stupor-end up sticking a knife in my throat. The latter of which would probably not be successful but I'm just anticipating my possible breakdown because I've come close these past few weeks. I get really antsy when I just can't take the suffering for one second longer.. even though I know there are still things I need to take care of before I go and that I need to ensure that I actually die and do not become a vegetable or paralyzed. I thought about N and SN, and hanging, but I have come to the conclusion that I need something rather instant. I can't lay down and think about the poison running through my veins. And I can't bare the feeling of losing oxygen.
..At the end of the day there's just not anything comfortable about this. It is not sanctioned in society and we don't have access to peaceful methods or planned out exits that form any type of guarantee.
