How to avoid SI kicking in with SN

[affirmatice]

I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to stay and give everything a shot.

I thought a lot about my future, potential experiences, love, fun, my family, friends, etc.

But at the end of the day, If you gave me a button that would painlessly, instantly allow me to CTB. I definitely wouldn't be here by tomorrow. So I guess the main thing that's really holding me back is the entire process of CTB.

I bought SN, and i don't know if it's right for me. But I can't shake the feeling that I will call the police for help if I go through with it. Especially if distressing physical symptoms start setting in. Even 10-20 minutes I think is too much time for me to sit and realize what I've done, and the SI to kick in.

No matter how much pain and hopelessness I'm in, I cannot predict how I will feel or react after even that first sip.

 

[KillingPain267]

If you are unsure and think there is a treatment or life change that may help you recover, go ahead and give it a shot. You can always come back to ctb and sn later if things get worse or recovery failed. It's always better to postpone ctb than to rush it impulsively.

 

[affirmatice]

If you are unsure and think there is a treatment or life change that may help you recover, go ahead and give it a shot. You can always come back to ctb and sn later if things get worse or recovery failed. It's always better to postpone ctb than to rush it impulsively.

I don't know if there is a treatment or life change that will help me. I would try to give it a shot, but i'm almost certain that I will never be fully happy with myself.

I've already lost 5 years to depression and anxiety. That in itself makes me feel even worse. Everyday that I'm struggling, i'm missing out on life and missing out on becoming the person I want to be.

I tried my hardest truly to be happy. Every single thing in my life that I could improve on, i improved. But I'm still unable to overcome the physical limitations that constantly drag my mind down. It's sad because I know I could've had a great life, but I just cannot overcome this I think.

Even if i continue to put a mask on. Work hard in everything I do, Have everything this world can offer. I think deep down I'll never feel enough to be happy with myself. I'm hurting bad right now. Not only because of how I feel, because I'm also beginning to recognize that I think this is my only option. Of course I can live, I can try, but if i'm almost certain that the future only holds more pain, insecurity, suffering. Then I just don't want that to be my life.

I think at this point, I'm mourning the person I know I could be, but never will be. I want to stay alive and live out my dreams, but I know that it's not possible anymore. Dreams mean nothing when you can't ever be content with yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish for a button to die painlessly, it feels so cruel to me how I cannot have such and the suffering continues instead. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[PI3.14]

What is your story? Why do you want to CTB? If you don't mind me asking

 

[affirmatice]

What is your story? Why do you want to CTB? If you don't mind me asking

Permanent physical health damages, that have greatly reduced my quality of life. Led me to become extremely insecure. I feel rotten at my core due to it.

It's been 5 years living like this. I pushed myself in every way to feel better. Did a ton of stuff, but I could never get it out of my head. The depression/anxiety caused is immense. Last few months, i haven't gotten a night of peaceful sleep, nightmares constantly. Wakeup in the middle of the night with distress. During the day I've been in a huge fog, dissociating, and can't find myself anymore.

I think... I could try to fight it, but I'm not sure if there's a point. This is not how I wanted to live my life. I think I still have a ton to give to this world and a ton to experience. But I just can't find myself again through this.