How to avoid becoming too emotionally dependent on someone?

[anxiousguineapig]

Hi, I hope this is an ok place to post this. Basically in the last week I've been getting to know the girl I have a crush on. Like we've gone from seeing each other occasionally at group events to the spending at least a few hours together (just the two of us) every single day and within a week we have already become pretty close friends, it's been pretty surreal. I don't know exactly what direction things are going (or what I even want, really) but all of a sudden for the first time in months this is making me so happy and it's all centered around one person. Like, last week I was so depressed I could stare at a wall for six hours instead of doing my homework, and all of a sudden I'm functioning so much better and I just feel kind of happy all the time. I'm really nervous about how precarious it is for my mental health to be so dependent on someone. This happened once before and when the friendship collapsed (largely because of what turned into romantic jealousy on my part) it was, without exaggerating, the worst thing that ever happened to me and by far the closest I ever got to actually killing myself, and of course it was horrible for the friend involved, too.
So, how do you have friendships/relationships in healthy ways without it turning into the only thing holding up your mental health? As of right now things are so good and it is really helpful to my mental health but with how depressed and anxious I've been lately, literally anything this good is basically my main reason for living. I know this isn't healthy for me and is massively unfair to her but I have no idea how to rein in my emotions.

 

[_next.next213]

I don't know either but I don't think it's an inherently bad thing to care about people. As long as you don't get overly clingy and message her a dozen times an hour or something, I don't think it's bad to be attached.

But in general, you want to have other stuff that can keep your focus. It's a bit more difficult to find those things when you're alone, but having somebody with you who makes you happy can help with finding what actually makes you happy in other respects too.

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I think I can relate to you somewhat. I've been unhealthily attached to various people in the past and am in quite a happy and healthy relationship now, though I realize everything I enjoy doing is tied to her and much of my hope for the future comes from wanting to spend it with her.

From what you've said here, it sounds like you're a very conscientious person. You're aware that growing close with this person has greatly improved your mental health but recognize that it is a precarious arrangement to have a single person be the source of your happiness and will to live. I think that self-awareness will help you a lot in navigating this situation.

I don't know this person but I think you should communicate what you wrote here to her. Be candid about how she has positively affected your mental health and tell her you're worried that you might become too emotionally dependent and that you know that isn't healthy and you don't want that to happen. You might be worried that talking about it can come off as manipulative, because it implies that your mental health will be a lot worse if she leaves, which is why it's important to frame it as the both of you trying to address a problem. Make it clear that it's not about having her do something for you, but rather that you want to be transparent for both of your sakes.

When you are dependent on one person for so much emotional support, you have a pretty unparalleled capacity to be hurt by the things they do or say, even when it isn't their fault and they didn't mean any harm. Even when you're doing everything right in action it can still hurt a lot. I don't know your history with therapy or whether you have the resources to access so it's totally valid if you don't want to go this route but if you can, I think it would be good to give it a try again, especially considering how your life has changed. Even a temporary bit of happiness is firm foot in the door for giving you the motivation and capacity to get better in more substantial ways.

I think you should look at this friendship you've found not as a precarious source of long-term emotional support, though it very well last a very long time. It's a great opportunity for you to claw your way out of your poor mental health. You used to be able to just stare at the wall for hours and it felt as if there was nothing more worthwhile to do but now you have a reason to want to be happy.