Help How to actually go through with it?

[TotallyIsolated]

I can't cope on my own. I dont want to go through life like this. Its clear to me that its not going to get better. I need more help than anyone could reasonably give. I feel like I've tried really hard to get better but I'm still lonely and broken.

I have tried to CTB but I never got very far. I'm too scared. When I tried standing on the railing of a bridge, even though my heart was racing I felt a sort of angry, resigned calm. I KNEW I wasnt going to jump. I was angry at myself for making a scene.

I suppose picking a date would help, but are there other things I can do to prepare myself? Not just getting my affairs in order, but being able to push past SI in the moment.

I still have some SN from the last time I didn't go through with it. I thought about partial suspension also. I dont care if its painful, I just want something lethal that doesn't allow me to get cold feet and run away like I've always done before.

Also I'm still on meds and in therapy. I still see my therapist regularly because hes basically the only person who really caresw about me. I try not to tell him too much about actual plans. I'm taking venlafaxine, 300mg. Discontinuing would be really rough, but if it would make it easier to get past my fears then I'd suffer through it.

Any advice you have would be great, thank you.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry you have to feel it. I've "stood at the rail, knowing I wasn't going to jump" in many ways, many times, and it sucks. On the very few occasions where I was actually able to make an honest attempt, I would make the preparation, be a second away, and make the decision to act. When I made that decision, it was instantly like being someone else watching myself act. Ultimate loss of control. But instead of that being scary to me, it was amazingly relieving. The feeling that *finally*, things were out of my hands and I didn't have to white-knuckle steering the car anymore.

SN appeals to me too, because I think if I can get to the point of no return and actually take it, my mind will be made up enough to keep it down (or take follow up doses, if necessary.) Unconsciousness inside of 20 min, with most of the unpleasant stuff coming after that, sounds so nice. But at this point, I'm exhausted with toying and picking at the idea and making attempts I'm not 100% sure about. I mean I know nothing is really 100%, but you know...relative to my past attempts. I think having the plan as nailed down as possible and things arranged as much as possible are going to be key to the level of peace and commitment to the act.

(I wasn't trying to hijack your thread, I just like to talk in "I" statements because we're all different. I just like to speak for myself and let others use the info if its relevant to them =))

 

[Linda]

I can't cope on my own. I dont want to go through life like this. Its clear to me that its not going to get better. I need more help than anyone could reasonably give. I feel like I've tried really hard to get better but I'm still lonely and broken.

I have tried to CTB but I never got very far. I'm too scared. When I tried standing on the railing of a bridge, even though my heart was racing I felt a sort of angry, resigned calm. I KNEW I wasnt going to jump. I was angry at myself for making a scene.

I suppose picking a date would help, but are there other things I can do to prepare myself? Not just getting my affairs in order, but being able to push past SI in the moment.

I still have some SN from the last time I didn't go through with it. I thought about partial suspension also. I dont care if its painful, I just want something lethal that doesn't allow me to get cold feet and run away like I've always done before.

Also I'm still on meds and in therapy. I still see my therapist regularly because hes basically the only person who really caresw about me. I try not to tell him too much about actual plans. I'm taking venlafaxine, 300mg. Discontinuing would be really rough, but if it would make it easier to get past my fears then I'd suffer through it.

Any advice you have would be great, thank you.

I have considered this question quite a lot. I am not depressed or suicidal right now, but when my life is drawing to a close naturally I will probably take matters into my own hands. In my case I would travel to a cold place in winter and go for a walk alone, knowing that I would die of hypothermia. I have tried to imagine myself standing there, the lights of a nice warm hotel behind me, and a dark empty, lonely forest in front of me. What would I actually do in that situation? Talking about it is easy, but doing it might be hard. I think that the answer comes down to a simple question: "Are you certain that it is time to go?". If you know with complete certainty that it IS time, if you have accepted that nobody's life can go on forever, and that you are just going to step into the same stream that all of humanity must eventually enter, I think that would make it easier. Indeed, it might make it more than easy; it might feel completely natural and in harmony with the universe. Death is as natural as birth. It is as natural as the beautiful flowers we see around us, or as the stars far above us. There is nothing to be afraid of.

But if you are not 100% certain that it is time to go, then it is not time. Wait. You will get plenty more opportunities in the future, if you want them.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I have considered this question quite a lot. I am not depressed or suicidal right now, but when my life is drawing to a close naturally I will probably take matters into my own hands. In my case I would travel to a cold place in winter and go for a walk alone, knowing that I would die of hypothermia.

The way you describe it sounds peaceful. That famous "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" poem by Frost always makes me picture peacefully slipping off in the snow. I'm back home in the deep south now, but if I were still in WI and I had the time to wait, I'd just wait until a day that was colder than -25F, take as many peaceful pharms as I could with some alcohol, and go to sleep in a snowbank. Even in the small town where I lived, it was a common method of suicide. Six people did it in my town in the one winter I was there, and there were only 1,200 people in the whole town. Such a peaceful idea you've got, like going to sleep. And also, leaving behind a perfect corpse for whoever is left to care (I even think about the paramedics and M.E.s when I think of actually stepping out...I know they've seen practically everything, but I want to cause as little shock and disgust as possible even after I'm gone.) Thank you for sharing, @Linda

 

[Linda]

The way you describe it sounds peaceful. That famous "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" poem by Frost always makes me picture peacefully slipping off in the snow. I'm back home in the deep south now, but if I were still in WI and I had the time to wait, I'd just wait until a day that was colder than -25F, take as many peaceful pharms as I could with some alcohol, and go to sleep in a snowbank. Even in the small town where I lived, it was a common method of suicide. Six people did it in my town in the one winter I was there, and there were only 1,200 people in the whole town. Such a peaceful idea you've got, like going to sleep. And also, leaving behind a perfect corpse for whoever is left to care (I even think about the paramedics and M.E.s when I think of actually stepping out...I know they've seen practically everything, but I want to cause as little shock and disgust as possible even after I'm gone.) Thank you for sharing, @Linda

Death by hypothermia IS peaceful (at least if done right). I know that for a fact from an elderly lady who very nearly died of hypothermia in Russia during World War 2. Personally, I will not use pills or alcohol. If I am in harmony with the universe, I will neither need nor want them. But other people may of course feel differently on that point, and your situation is obviously very different than (I hope) mine will be.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Death by hypothermia IS peaceful (at least if done right). I know that for a fact from an elderly lady who very nearly died of hypothermia in Russia during World War 2. Personally, I will not use pills or alcohol. If I am in harmony with the universe, I will neither need nor want them. But other people may of course feel differently on that point, and your situation is obviously very different than (I hope) mine will be.

I hope that, too. I hope that you feel totally fulfilled and at peace when/if you ever do this. Making this decision out of confusion and desperation and pain is so hard to sort out..it would be so nice to be able to say "I've done everything I wanted to do, said all I wanted to say, fulfilled my purpose, and I'm ready to move on to whatever's next." I wish you the best and hope you have that level of peace ((hug))

 

[SoIntoYou]

The biggest problem about CTB is that it's not usually easy, painless, or available. The whole point of killing yourself is to end the pain and suffering. If easy, painless, and available methods were available, people would be CTB in mass numbers and society would have to address the source of the problem for once.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

If I had a gun I'd be gone by now. Get drunk, close my eyes and pull the trigger

 

[CursedForDisaster]

After seeing people who tried that with a gun and lived on that site bestgore, I wouldn't do that while drunk. They have people who shot their faces off. It's horrible. If the gun jerks or isn't aimed just right you can survive without a face, believe it or not.

Firearms are the most lethal method of suicide according to Harvard. With the right positioning and the right gun/rounds I'd be willing to take the risk

Lethality of Suicide Methods

What Governs Lethality? A number of factors are theorized to influence the lethality of a given method. The first is inherent deadliness. For example, car exhaust with a high CO level will be more …

www.hsph.harvard.edu

 

[falloutcarter13]

Firearms are the most lethal method of suicide according to Harvard. With the right positioning and the right gun/rounds I'd be willing to take the risk

Lethality of Suicide Methods

What Governs Lethality? A number of factors are theorized to influence the lethality of a given method. The first is inherent deadliness. For example, car exhaust with a high CO level will be more …

www.hsph.harvard.edu

I think @Meditation guide just meant to say the consequences for surviving a GSW are horrible, unless I totally misunderstood. I know I could never use this method, a friend of mine shot himself with a .45 which *should* have turned the lights out, but he survived as a vegetable for over two days and his family had to finally decide to pull the plug before he could go. His face was so deformed, he looked nothing like himself. If done right, it might be the fastest and easiest way to go. If not successful, it could be the ultimate horror before you're finally allowed to die High risk, high reward, maybe?

 

[CursedForDisaster]

I think @Meditation guide just meant to say the consequences for surviving a GSW are horrible, unless I totally misunderstood. I know I could never use this method, a friend of mine shot himself with a .45 which *should* have turned the lights out, but he survived as a vegetable for over two days and his family had to finally decide to pull the plug before he could go. His face was so deformed, he looked nothing like himself. If done right, it might be the fastest and easiest way to go. If not successful, it could be the ultimate horror before you're finally allowed to die High risk, high reward, maybe?

I think the same can be said for a lot of methods. Hanging can leave you with severe brain damage, jumping can cause severe body injuries, cutting can leave muscle and nerve damage, oding can cause organ failure. Death isn't going to be easy unless we let it take us naturally

 

[falloutcarter13]

I think the same can be said for a lot of methods. Hanging can leave you with severe brain damage, jumping can cause severe body injuries, cutting can leave muscle and nerve damage, oding can cause organ failure. Death isn't going to be easy unless we let it take us naturally

The last level of the video game is always tough as shit!

 

[profoundexperience]

That famous "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" poem by Frost always makes me picture peacefully slipping off in the snow.

You reminded me of another Frost poem... that's also related to this topic = I mean, to continue my life of continual suffering or to end it...? Ultimately, in the "big picture", little difference... but for me a big difference to take this one (like the two diverging roads).

The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost 1920.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by [i.e., ctb],
And that has made all the difference.

 

[Meditation guide]

I dont want to go through life like this. Its clear to me that its not going to get better.

Hello, I feel the way you do. I'm in the US but I just wanted to say hello, as a fellow sufferer reaching out to you. I too am scared of this entire thing and feel lost, not knowing what to do. I'm here if you want to drop me a line.