How to actually go out of my way to kill myself

[Miscreated]

I know that if I had some disease that would kill me if I didn't treat it, I wouldn't treat it so that I would die. But I am unable to go out of my way to do something to directly kill myself. I know someone will probably reply to this and say that I just need to wait for things to get worse and then I will be able to do it. But I really don't think I will ever be able to kill myself no matter how severe my struggles are. The problem is just with my personality. I have always been unable to do anything if it required going out of my way to do it, even if it would positively affect my life. For example, when I was younger, I used to go online and talk to pedophiles and try to convince them to kidnap me so I could escape my extremely abusive family situation through the kidnapper "forcing" me, instead of trying to take control of my own situation and run away, or tell someone. Or, also mostly when I was younger, I would try to kill myself and do it really halfheartedly (since I can't actually directly kill myself for the reasons mentioned earlier) and then when these methods would fail I would feel frustrated and try to convince these people online in chatrooms to kill me, so that I wouldn't have to do it myself. I just always go with whatever is happening and I cannot deviate from that for some reason. I would feel okay with dying if I felt like I was being forced to do it, like I didn't have control or I didn't have any choice. So like someone killing me, or a terminal disease. Even if this disease was potentially treatable, it is easier to delude myself into thinking death is my only choice, and in that situation, treatment would require going out of my way and death would have been the natural outcome. Now that I think about it, this extreme inability to take control of my own life has been the cause of basically all the pain, struggle, and trauma I have faced in my life that makes me need to kill myself. Please if anyone knows how to overcome this, let me know.

 

[sanctionedusage]

yeah this is a tough one. its more than SI, its like learned helplessness but very deeply engrained into your personality like a law. i have no advice, but youre not alone. passive suicidality is rampant. its only a small percentage of all suicidal folk who make the jump and truly commit to doing it anyway. maybe thats why the term has always been "committing suicide" instead of "dying by suicide;" you can't have commitment issues.