SS has helped me in different ways. Since I lost my youngest son to suicide last April, he was 12, I have come close twice (but felt it was divine intervention that it didn't happen) but there is not a day that passes since I lost him that I don't think about taking my life. That's why I got on right now...I was outside trying to keep busy, but came inside and tried to press on my cardio arteries to pass out as a test. My older son took all my weapons, my wife took the pistol I took from my dad- I don't hide that I don't want to live. I want my family to know so they won't have any questions about why. I feel so much guilt because my son used my weapon (I was half asleep and he pulled it out of my backpack right next to me), I heard the shot, I broke down the bathroom door and found him while my wife was outside in the car waiting to take him to school. He left a letter and it was because of pressures from his teacher at school; but I still carry the pain he must have felt. I come on this site to gain courage because I didn't want to die before and to some degree I still want to live, but I struggle every single day with guilt, severe depression, and vivid recollections of that morning and I can't take it anymore. I find no purpose in living (I felt I had a good relationship with God before my son passed) and I look to God almost every moment for strength and guidance. I have searched in the Bible to justify my own death and have thought of it as a self-sacrifice so his teacher, the district will know that they were the main factors in his death. I have forgiven the teacher in one of the many letters I have written to my family and close friends whom I want to have given to them when I die. SS helps me by surrounding me with like minded individuals who share the same end goal. I can't imagine living till I'm old with these feelings for the rest of my life. I try to make myself right with a God each day and have recently started telling myself that eternal life in Heaven is incentive enough to want to die now. I don't know, but those who have ctb'd had to have some real courage because I have already determined that the only way I feel I can end my life is by not thinking about it and just one day- go for it quickly. I have so many different plans on how to do it and various places, but I would really like whatever organs I have that are good to be donated, which really leaves me thinking that a shot to the head in front of a hospital might be the solution. Aiming to where I will be declared brain dead, but I don't want to traumatize anyone in seeing that either, especially any kids. So I will continue to plan, think about it and just try my best to get through minute by minute without my son; although I know I am getting worse. Suicide is tough-not only to complete, but the aftermath with family and those you love. I just don't feel I can overcome losing my son.
