Help How should I leave a message for my son

[Sanctuary]

I have a young son (6) who's with his dad due to my use of adderall and the stress of a breakup throwing me into a psychotic episode of paranoia that lasted for 7 months (thinking that my ex and his family wanted to kill me, etc.)
I proceeded to go to several mental hospitals that released me before I was well, during my first visit, I literally told people that I was Jesus and that the doctor was trying to poison me, and I was released within a couple of days.
Thank god I kept it together long enough to decide let my boy go to his dads house without endangering him etc. but since I dropped him off I've done wild wild things that I can never come back from. At one point I even went public on Facebook with my schizophrenic delusions for everyone to see. It's literally a nightmare that I woke up from just two months ago.
The worst part is that I got arrested and I'm facing serious charges, and in a state that doesn't have much mercy on those with mental health issues, especially if they had originally been induced by a drug. With all of the circumstances taken into account, including the fact that I haven't been able to work in a year and I can't afford a rockstar lawyer, It's clear to me that my life is beyond rescue, and that it's time for me to ctb.

I know I've caused my son so much pain already, and that the pain of having a parent in prison is almost if not as painful as having one die.

and as for ,myself, It's extremely traumatic for me to be away from my little Gavin, it I live with so much shame and regret, it hits, me like a ton of bricks every single day. I would give anything in the world to go back and make better choices, but it's far too late for that now.

Anyways, I'm wanting to put together a montage, video, or SOMETHING that I can send to my sister to show him once he's older, because I don't think his dad is going to show him pictures of me..but it's so hard to know where to start, can you help me brainstorm ideas? I'm living in so much pain that I'm wanting to ctb wishing the month at the latest, but at the very leastI need to do this for my son before I go.

 

[nopointinlife]

I think your post itself would be a decent message.

 

[SamTam33]

It's going to be awhile before he's old enough to absorb everything. If you think your sister would cooperate, I'd create 3 messages that can be shown to him at different ages.

The first one, maybe an audio file of you reading a bedtime story. Something he can listen to over and over, whenever he wants.

The second one - tween years. I'd record a video giving him certain tips like how to ask someone to the dance, advice about standing up for what you believe in, being different, etc. Tips that will be useful to him during that time.

Third one - a handwritten letter I'd want him to receive as a young adult.

Schizophrenia is a big one. Especially if it turns out to be genetic.

I'd apologize. Profusely. But I wouldn't ask for forgiveness.

I'd beg him to direct all of his anger towards me in hopes that he wouldn't direct it towards himself.

I might include a symbol of me that he could destroy as needed, like a bunch of little Xeroxed pics of my face (lol).

I would describe moments from his childhood that brought me joy; things he was too young to remember. There's something so special about those types of stories.

Lastly, I'd give him "permission" to free himself from the prison I created for him.

So often on here I see posters feeling guilty about their own suicidal plans because their family has already experienced a previous suicide.

I would not want my escape to be the reason that my child feels trapped. I don't know what words I'd use, but I'd have to address it.

Hope this is helpful OP.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Maybe you can just record yourself onto a video talking open and frankly to him, and telling him everything you want to say, and also explaining to him why you needed to go.

 

[SpiroSundae]

I think your best bet in this situation is to constantly remind yourself you'll feel nothing when it's over. I really hate to say it, but that child will have serious mental health issues for the rest of his life, possibly leading to his own CTB down the road. No matter what you say, you will not be there for the moments hes going to need you most. video montage and recording and notes dont mean shit when youre not actually there, by choice. Any potential accomplishments this child will achieve, you'll be in the back of his head. "why arent you here for this?"

this isnt guilt, but food for thought. I go through this same predicament. terrified of the people ill leave behind. I think this to myself every night (minus having a kid).

i hope you dont interpret this as critique, just something serious to think about

 

[Sanctuary]

I think your best bet in this situation is to constantly remind yourself you'll feel nothing when it's over. I really hate to say it, but that child will have serious mental health issues for the rest of his life, possibly leading to his own CTB down the road. No matter what you say, you will not be there for the moments hes going to need you most. video montage and recording and notes dont mean shit when youre not actually there, by choice. Any potential accomplishments this child will achieve, you'll be in the back of his head. "why arent you here for this?"

this isnt guilt, but food for thought. I go through this same predicament. terrified of the people ill leave behind. I think this to myself every night (minus having a kid).

i hope you dont interpret this as critique, just something serious to think about

This. is the feedback i was looking for. I know there's nothing I can say to ease his pain and I wonder if it would just be best if i sent the photos to someone that could show him one day, and nothing else. I would rather he think that it happened in a car wreck or something. I could send a timed email begging them to tell him that. God this is a nightmare.

It's going to be awhile before he's old enough to absorb everything. If you think your sister would cooperate, I'd create 3 messages that can be shown to him at different ages.

The first one, maybe an audio file of you reading a bedtime story. Something he can listen to over and over, whenever he wants.

The second one - tween years. I'd record a video giving him certain tips like how to ask someone to the dance, advice about standing up for what you believe in, being different, etc. Tips that will be useful to him during that time.

Third one - a handwritten letter I'd want him to receive as a young adult.

Schizophrenia is a big one. Especially if it turns out to be genetic.

I'd apologize. Profusely. But I wouldn't ask for forgiveness.

I'd beg him to direct all of his anger towards me in hopes that he wouldn't direct it towards himself.

I might include a symbol of me that he could destroy as needed, like a bunch of little Xeroxed pics of my face (lol).

I would describe moments from his childhood that brought me joy; things he was too young to remember. There's something so special about those types of stories.

Lastly, I'd give him "permission" to free himself from the prison I created for him.

So often on here I see posters feeling guilty about their own suicidal plans because their family has already experienced a previous suicide.

I would not want my escape to be the reason that my child feels trapped. I don't know what words I'd use, but I'd have to address it.

Hope this is helpful OP.

This is extremely thoughtful, thank you

 

[makethepainstop]

Why leave messages? In twelve years he will want to see you. He will be 18 and he can do as he pleases. Just my 2 cents. Much love to you in your pain and suffering.

 

[Regen]

Shit. I can understand your situation.

It is not the same if a mother is in prison, in a psych ward, if she is doing crazy things or if she is dead by committing suicide. That's sadly wrong. But I deeply understand, that it feels like you have to go. Really, I understand it.

But sadly it is a fact, that a dead mother will forever be dead. As a child you have never ever the chance to ask her to understand things of the past. Nobody will tell and explain your son how you would explain him. But the time till he will emotionally come back to you can be very very long. And the feelings of shame, anger, depression you have because of the situation are cruel.

For your son it would be 100% better you stay alive. But I really understand, that you cant stand it any longer.

If I were you and if I decide that I cant stay alive I would tell him

- how much you love him, how much you miss him
- how his birth was for you and for him (nobody else can tell him this)
- how much you try to stay alive for him, but that you cant take the pain any longer
- How much you hope that he will find a better way to handle his problems
- that you feel very sorry for the pain you give him with your suicide
- that you done it not because of him
- that you tryed everything to protect him and so you gave him to his father, that you done it because of love and not because you want to give him away.
- how sweet he was as a child and what he do, what was his strength
- that you had adhd (?) and that it is necessary to know that this will often give to the kids
- what were the little things you and he do together in daily time, was there a special ritual, a nickname, what were the lovest plays and things you done together

Maybe I would give this letter or this video to a official lawyer. Or a key were nobody can get the key then your son. Are you sure your sister will protect the letter/video till your son is growing up? What will happen with it when your sister will die too early? Is there a second person you can give the letter/video?

I wish the best for you and your sweet little Gavin! You are not a bad mum. You dont do it to hurt him. You was ill. Also consuming drugs is a mental illness. You are not guilty.

 

[SpiroSundae]

This. is the feedback i was looking for. I know there's nothing I can say to ease his pain and I wonder if it would just be best if i sent the photos to someone that could show him one day, and nothing else. I would rather he think that it happened in a car wreck or something. I could send a timed email begging them to tell him that. God this is a nightmare.

This is extremely thoughtful, thank you

It really is a nightmare. I'm so so sorry

 

[jessisme]

I'm not sure what I would recommend on how to leave your son the best possible message in your departure but many folks on this thread have very good ideas for you. I just want to say that I have Bipolar and my last manic episode seems very much like your last episode. I got in trouble with the law and fortunately did not get sent to prison but was put on probation. I will say that there seems to be very little familiarity with, understanding of or sympathy for folks with mental health issues. Left untreated they can create all kinds of problems like the ones you describe. I seek the end too as a result of my mental illness and all of the problems it has created for me. Just wanted to let you know that there is someone here who relates to what you have experienced. My life has been too destroyed by my episodes. There is no way to get it back on track. My deep condolences to you and your family. I hope that you find a way out. I hope we both do.

 

[MovingOn]

It's literally a nightmare that I woke up from just two months ago.

This is what I'm going through myself. I was in the best business university in my country. I royally fucked everything up during what I would call around 7-9 months of psychosis (I have no friends or anyone looking out for me).
It's been very hard. I'm getting old, only have high school on me and would need to start everything again, maybe on a mediocre university. Also have debt now, and carry with me the thought that I can just go crazy again later and fuck everything again.

I think if you want to do something for your child, it would be to stay alive. Videos, etc., don't help when the person who they want in their life is dead. For me, something that has helped has been meeting a 72-year-old schizophrenic who lost decades of his life. For me it was only +3 years now and took in debt. But I could rebuild. So could you. We'll be less than what our potential was, but that's life.

 

[Raven2]

Some parts of your story resonated with me
I had psychosis, we split up and kids went to live with dad. I see them but it's by no means the same.
I set up an email account for my son and have sent over all his photos starting from when he was a baby. I wanted to do the same for my daughter but have forgotten how to upload the photos.
If I ever do pass I'll leave a note with the email accounts so they have access to everything plus a note explaining why I've gone.
Main thing holding me back from ctb is them and the fact that children whose parents ctb have a higher risk factor of mental health issues and ctb themselves. They are normal healthy kids do I really wanna risk those issues occurring in the future and I'll be gone. I'm not so sure. But that's my 2 cents.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I wish you well

 

[Cheesecake]

the one thing i wish i had left from my grandma is a recording of her singing/humming my lullaby. record the most mundane things, cooking, cleaning, looking into nothing on the couch, but just record. its worth it