How old were you when you first started thinking of CTB, and was there a specific event that sparked it?

[slamjoetry]

For me it was when I was 16 and got expelled from high school. That was when I started realizing how much of a worthless loser I am, and its only been going rapidly downhill ever since.

 

[astr4]

Haha, mine was around high school too. I think I was 13, I was complaining to my friend about a homophobe (I'm bisexual) and my friend tried to defend the dude by saying "well he's a christian that's just what he believes." And I got so offended that night I went home and drafted a suicide note blaming her for my death because I was dramatic and petty.

In retrospect do you wish you ctb then?

 

[Saturn_]

9 or 10, and it was probably over some really stupid shit that I don't remember. I had it SO much better back then.

 

[Hotsackage]

Prolly later then anyone here by a Longshot, but I think 28 lol

 

[fleetingnight]

God, school is such a nightmare, it fucks so many people up so badly.

I think I was 14. No specific event, I just suddenly had enough of everything that had happened to me and kept on happening, I couldn't take it anymore. I kind of snapped, I guess, and became who I am now

 

[Grimscribe]

I believe it was around 14 or 15. No big happening that caused me to think about it, just a realization that maybe life wasn't really worth living. Nobody cared/cares much about me, so I figured being gone wouldn't make a difference.

 

[yxmux]

Probably when I was around 10 or 11. Was diagnosed with major depression at 12 due to a poem I had written for an assignment. I was always withdrawn from others pretty much since I was born. Dad was worried I was showing symptoms of on-set schizophrenia (he's a nurse) when I was around 14-16. Was tested for schizophrenia and autism, both negative. Psychologist said I could be prone to developing a personality disorder. Not sure how true that is, but I'm definitely not at a healthy state right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was comorbid with something else. Never attempted CTB, but was always drawn to the idea. I don't think I've ever been as active in considering it as I have been the past few months.

In layman's terms, no more fucks given by me nor fucking with, or fucking, for that matter, anyone any longer.

 

[Josh007]

same was getting bullied and no one could stop it. I got sent to a mental hospital due to the bullying and missed school days but the bullies didn't give a fuck. Then at home my parents treated me like it was my fault. So I started thinking I might as well end it since it my life was ruined. I was wrong my life wasn't ruined but my brain was, since then I've had multiple mental illnesses.

 

[Ligottian]

This may not answer your question, but there was a day when I was about 40 when I honestly was deciding one morning whether to kill myself or go to work.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Nobody is etched stone as a loser at 16. I mean I guess there are the occasional murders and such but getting in trouble at or kicked out of school...some people just have more growing pains than others.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Aged 10. Growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. I was also grieving over 3 close family members who had died by that point but- I probably wouldn't have become suicidal without them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be suicidal now without all that. It's hard to say really. My reasons for wanting to go are different now. Back then, it was literally to get away from them. Still- I feel like- once that suicidal seed is sown, it's always going to be there and the more shitty stuff that happens in life, the more it grows.

 

[jjxt94]

Asian parents and expectations, from 9 or so. School wasn't great either.

 

[alicia]

Earliest thoughts came when I was 12. I don't know why. I don't think there was a specific incident that sparked it. I didn't want to face the thoughts so I found ways to avoid it, mostly by drinking. I was an alcoholic by 15. Started cutting at 16. Managed to get it under control in my early 20s. Have been living with it ever since. Now in my late 40s and I am just so fucking tired.

 

[thedevilwithin]

10-11 for me as well. after i was molested.

 

[timetodie24]

12 after bullying, all the kids picked up on my autism long before I or any professionals did

 

[Ww42]

12. Nothing really set it off. I was just tired of life and wanted out.

 

[ADBoy777]

Around 16-17 and I don't really know what caused it. I just remember I was kinda exhausted from life

 

[Kavka]

I think the first time I actually shared these thoughts with my parents was when I was 10 years old. I don't think there was any specific event that caused it and I wasn't really depressed in a DSM-criteria way. I just really didn't want to live any more, which left everyone around me very confused.

This is of course just armchair psychology in hindsight and I'm probably projecting my current thoughts, but I think this may be the age when you start to think about and grasp what life and death really mean. As an autistic kid, I was just really confused by life and struggling to keep up with my peers, which made death seem like a viable alternative.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

For me, it was around 12 when I realised that death is just permanent non existence and nothing more. I loved the idea of permanent non existence and I still do. There wasn't a specific event that triggered it, it was more so me not liking life. However, back then, I just moved on and started living miserably without considering suicide (though I did wish my situation would get better) until I've reached 18. When I've reached 18, I became suicidal again due to adult responsibilities being imposed upon me against my will as well as me getting stressed about the future due to life making me do things which are too difficult for me

 

[untothedepths]

Very young. All I knew was I was trying to "escape or runaway" while attempting to drown or get ran over.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case ever since I was aware of what death was it comforted me, for me wanting to die is all that feels right and makes sense. I was never meant for existing and more than anything I wish I was never burdened with something so futile and torturous as human existence.

To have the ability to exist will always be so incredibly undesirable to me, existing truly is just meaningless suffering and I don't want to suffer in any way rather I just wish for the peace that only eternal non-existence can bring. I've never wished for existence and never would do under any circumstances, more than anything I wish I never existed at all, only never existing is true perfection.

 

[VEROXEM]

At about the age of 24 when I had a realization in my sleep that my life is undeserved. You can call it "my 3rd eye opening".

 

[pollux]

17, when I started browsing incel and incel adjacent sites. I managed to stop going to these places at around 20 after I got fed up with the people there and because I didn't really believe in it anymore, but the depressed and defeatist personality remained.

I was more socially awkward back then, and I was always the weird kid my whole life, but if I hadn't got fixated on those places, things might have turned out differently. I lost my 18-19 to NEETdom, and when I finally managed to get accepted for university, the pandemic hit, and I was essentially a NEET for two more years...

 

[TiredFattyWang]

Like 14 or 15. Moved again and lost all my friends for the second time. Kinda isolated myself and just felt so tired all the time.

 

[jbear824]

I was seven years old. My mom had been mentally, physically and emotionally abusing me for two years this far, my dad had just molested me a couple months prior.

I was walking to school one morning and I just felt nothing. I arrived in the school yard, looked at all the kids who had no worries or cares in the world. And it was that moment I realized I wanted to die.

I tried to strangle myself with a sweat shirt that day, but I was caught.

Over the next 20 years, my mom would continue the trifecta of abuse (mental, emotional, physical). Though the physical abuse stopped when I was 16 when she was coming at me with her fists and I went to the kitchen to grab a knife and told her that if she ever hurt me again, I would kill her if I had to.

After that she just doubled down on the other two kinds until I was 30. Then she had her new husband threaten me with violence to get me out of the family home where I was living.

I've been living with a friend and my partner since then.

My desire to die has never waivered since that day in the school yard.

And this is all ignoring the various disabilities and mental health conditions I suffer from chronically, and the state of the world/society that contribute to my death wish.