Help How not to overwhelm your partner but also get the help you need to hold you through crisis and help you recover?

[NoFancyNames]

Question in the title. Also how do you manage your anxieties without putting them onto your partner?

Has anybody have an experience of needing a lot of love and support from their partner but accidentally overwhelming them instead leaving you both unhappy? If so I'd love your input and advice.

For context I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been together for just over a year but we've known each other for 10 years prior to that, although we've only met in person just before we got together, but we were already close.

All was good until about July when my mental health started to break apart, I'm now diagnosed with ptsd in active therapy, trying my best. I'm really good at controlling my anger and instant reactions so I'm not abusive in any way. I am also pretty good at communication and am very accountable and focused on self improvement and ensuring that my partner also has space to adress anything he needs.
What I struggle with is sadness and anxiety in this relationship is through the roof. And I get a lot of breakdowns. I can't seem to iust relax and trust him so at times I read too much into his behaviour and messaging style, and everything makes me super insecure. I'm also having huge suicidal crisis, frequent breakdowns and I'm struggling more than I have in years and I'm myself scared of how bad it gets at times.

I feel like he is being too cold and I would like him to show me a little bit of extra love, like a goodnight message every evening would be nice. I tend to do that, we both used to did morning and goodnight messages all the time. But it's not case anymore. The thing is that he does get in touch daily and he tends to shut down when he is overwhelmed and I think he has got a lot on his plate at the moment and I have brought a lot of seriousness and heaviness into our relationship by sharing quite explicitly what I'm going through. I don't think he understands any of it and I think I've overwhelmed him with how much I need.

Problem is I don't feel like I can talk to him about this anymore because he has given me a lot of reassurance and told me that he hasn't got any issues with me and is there for me. The thing is that his communication is very brief and I don't feel like he is actually there for me.

I guess I'm asking how am I supposed to give him space that he needs and trust that everything is okay and relax when we are spending time together, when I feel anxious and guilty and want a little bit more, but I don't think currently he has anymore to give?

Oh and I think important to say is that he acts in the way as if he needed more space but doesn't actually communicate it, he isn't good at communicating a lot of things, and unclear communication and changes in behaviour, acting distant and emotioneless, it all triggers ptsd for me.

 

[Redacted24]

I've been meaning to post to this all day...
It's late though so, bumping so I can see in the morning.
This is really a great question. How to inculcate those around us into a support structure without driving them away.
More soon...

 

[NoFancyNames]

I've been meaning to post to this all day...
It's late though so, bumping so I can see in the morning.
This is really a great question. How to inculcate those around us into a support structure without driving them away.
More soon...

Thank you for responding. I'm waiting for the next part with anticipation.

 

[Redacted24]

Hi again, thanks for being patient...

I really empathize with this. I tried to tell my domestic partner years ago about a struggle and she wouldn't have any of it - not an ounce of effort to listen and understand, much less look for constructive ways to work together for our mutual happiness.

Nearly ten years later she's turned me into a suicidal domestic violence victim.

I digress.

In the post few years I've tried to reach out to others in my life about my struggles. Trusted coworkers, friends. They have all noticed that I don't smile anymore, don't engage in banter, and have become withdrawn.

I've figured out that people that care about me can't process the enormity of my anguish. They don't have any frame of reference (and I'm thankful for that, they're good, kind people and I would never want them to have a similar experience! I care about them too)

When I've let too much out, they also get worried and start to distance themselves in small ways. I have a dear colleague that used to go for walks with me to talk smack about work and life. She doesn't do that much anymore. It hurts. But I know she still cares, deeply. She just doesn't know how to process, what to do. And I think that she's gone into a kind of emotional defensive posture with me because the thought I might dissappear from her life permanently is too hard for her. She's building a firewall to protect herself.

I don't know if this long ramble is helping at all. I'm sorry if it's not. Please forgive me.

So I started taking a different approach with the few remaining people that care.

I share with them the proximate things that are triggering me, and omit the back story. It's only showing a piece of the hurt, an element of something larger and deeper and more despairing. But I use that as a gateway for other conversations.

For me, it's triggering when others don't acknowledge my words. So, when I sent an email to a group and nobody replies, I feel unwanted and invalid.

So...I walk to their desk and tell them that.
"Hi, I need your input on the idea I emailed you last week. I'm anxious since nobody answered, so wanted your honest opinion, was it a bad idea or was my email confusing... please reply to all, okay? "

And I confide to others in a similar way, sorry I'm a bit forgetful, I have a lot going on in my personal life and feel a bit overwhelmed."
When they ask about it, I'll tell them (getting divorce, it's ugly, etc) - but not that I'm so depressed I'm thinking to kms.

That more gentle approach - showing some vulnerability while appearing to be trying to be strong - seems to resonate with a lot of people.
Just in the past week, two people have told me about trauma in their lives that they struggle with.

I had no idea. They seemed so strong and well put together, I never imagined the terrible things they were going through.

And I try to reassure the person that I value them, and want to be there for them too. Because they need support from me! They care about me and don't want to deal with the trauma and suffering if I left permanently.

I try to establish a partnership. And as we build our trust, I share a bit more (in 2022 I almost committed)... but after all the previous interactions they're not shocked, they don't recoil and run. They accept, and support... it's like going to the movie at the most exciting part but not being there for the lead- up... it's confusing and a bit frightening for them.

Again, I'm hopeful this makes an aota of sense. I'm an engineer by background and culturally we're not known for our eloquence. For good reason!

All I'm trying to say is, take it slow. He cares about you, probably more than you realize (or else he probably wouldn't be in that defensive crouch to protect himself)

Start with something easy

Give him positive reinforcement when he does it

Reassure him you're there for him too (his distant may be because theres something going on that he's shy to tell you - because he's protecting you? ) - - ask him.

It's okay to be open and tell him. Just be measured.

Only my thoughts. I was 45 min from being done in 2022. That same coworker that cares about me called me out of the blue and interrupted me. I'll likely never tell her she saved my life. And that's as it should be.

The site community is great. They're really smart and kind and empathetic. I've found a lot of support here too, and that's helped me start finding my confidence to talk to (gasp) real people.

You're not alone, okay?

I'm so sorry if I wasted your time reading this.

But I do care, okay?
R

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I don't have anyone to share that kind of information with so don't know the answer. I think the above post has good ideas though?

 

[NoFancyNames]

Hi again, thanks for being patient...

I really empathize with this. I tried to tell my domestic partner years ago about a struggle and she wouldn't have any of it - not an ounce of effort to listen and understand, much less look for constructive ways to work together for our mutual happiness.

Nearly ten years later she's turned me into a suicidal domestic violence victim.

I digress.

In the post few years I've tried to reach out to others in my life about my struggles. Trusted coworkers, friends. They have all noticed that I don't smile anymore, don't engage in banter, and have become withdrawn.

I've figured out that people that care about me can't process the enormity of my anguish. They don't have any frame of reference (and I'm thankful for that, they're good, kind people and I would never want them to have a similar experience! I care about them too)

When I've let too much out, they also get worried and start to distance themselves in small ways. I have a dear colleague that used to go for walks with me to talk smack about work and life. She doesn't do that much anymore. It hurts. But I know she still cares, deeply. She just doesn't know how to process, what to do. And I think that she's gone into a kind of emotional defensive posture with me because the thought I might dissappear from her life permanently is too hard for her. She's building a firewall to protect herself.

I don't know if this long ramble is helping at all. I'm sorry if it's not. Please forgive me.

So I started taking a different approach with the few remaining people that care.

I share with them the proximate things that are triggering me, and omit the back story. It's only showing a piece of the hurt, an element of something larger and deeper and more despairing. But I use that as a gateway for other conversations.

For me, it's triggering when others don't acknowledge my words. So, when I sent an email to a group and nobody replies, I feel unwanted and invalid.

So...I walk to their desk and tell them that.
"Hi, I need your input on the idea I emailed you last week. I'm anxious since nobody answered, so wanted your honest opinion, was it a bad idea or was my email confusing... please reply to all, okay? "

And I confide to others in a similar way, sorry I'm a bit forgetful, I have a lot going on in my personal life and feel a bit overwhelmed."
When they ask about it, I'll tell them (getting divorce, it's ugly, etc) - but not that I'm so depressed I'm thinking to kms.

That more gentle approach - showing some vulnerability while appearing to be trying to be strong - seems to resonate with a lot of people.
Just in the past week, two people have told me about trauma in their lives that they struggle with.

I had no idea. They seemed so strong and well put together, I never imagined the terrible things they were going through.

And I try to reassure the person that I value them, and want to be there for them too. Because they need support from me! They care about me and don't want to deal with the trauma and suffering if I left permanently.

I try to establish a partnership. And as we build our trust, I share a bit more (in 2022 I almost committed)... but after all the previous interactions they're not shocked, they don't recoil and run. They accept, and support... it's like going to the movie at the most exciting part but not being there for the lead- up... it's confusing and a bit frightening for them.

Again, I'm hopeful this makes an aota of sense. I'm an engineer by background and culturally we're not known for our eloquence. For good reason!

All I'm trying to say is, take it slow. He cares about you, probably more than you realize (or else he probably wouldn't be in that defensive crouch to protect himself)

Start with something easy

Give him positive reinforcement when he does it

Reassure him you're there for him too (his distant may be because theres something going on that he's shy to tell you - because he's protecting you? ) - - ask him.

It's okay to be open and tell him. Just be measured.

Only my thoughts. I was 45 min from being done in 2022. That same coworker that cares about me called me out of the blue and interrupted me. I'll likely never tell her she saved my life. And that's as it should be.

The site community is great. They're really smart and kind and empathetic. I've found a lot of support here too, and that's helped me start finding my confidence to talk to (gasp) real people.

You're not alone, okay?

I'm so sorry if I wasted your time reading this.

But I do care, okay?
R

I don't have time at the moment to reply fully but thank you. You have not wasted my time but actually helped

 

[NoFancyNames]

Hi again, thanks for being patient...

I really empathize with this. I tried to tell my domestic partner years ago about a struggle and she wouldn't have any of it - not an ounce of effort to listen and understand, much less look for constructive ways to work together for our mutual happiness.

Nearly ten years later she's turned me into a suicidal domestic violence victim.

I digress.

In the post few years I've tried to reach out to others in my life about my struggles. Trusted coworkers, friends. They have all noticed that I don't smile anymore, don't engage in banter, and have become withdrawn.

I've figured out that people that care about me can't process the enormity of my anguish. They don't have any frame of reference (and I'm thankful for that, they're good, kind people and I would never want them to have a similar experience! I care about them too)

When I've let too much out, they also get worried and start to distance themselves in small ways. I have a dear colleague that used to go for walks with me to talk smack about work and life. She doesn't do that much anymore. It hurts. But I know she still cares, deeply. She just doesn't know how to process, what to do. And I think that she's gone into a kind of emotional defensive posture with me because the thought I might dissappear from her life permanently is too hard for her. She's building a firewall to protect herself.

I don't know if this long ramble is helping at all. I'm sorry if it's not. Please forgive me.

So I started taking a different approach with the few remaining people that care.

I share with them the proximate things that are triggering me, and omit the back story. It's only showing a piece of the hurt, an element of something larger and deeper and more despairing. But I use that as a gateway for other conversations.

For me, it's triggering when others don't acknowledge my words. So, when I sent an email to a group and nobody replies, I feel unwanted and invalid.

So...I walk to their desk and tell them that.
"Hi, I need your input on the idea I emailed you last week. I'm anxious since nobody answered, so wanted your honest opinion, was it a bad idea or was my email confusing... please reply to all, okay? "

And I confide to others in a similar way, sorry I'm a bit forgetful, I have a lot going on in my personal life and feel a bit overwhelmed."
When they ask about it, I'll tell them (getting divorce, it's ugly, etc) - but not that I'm so depressed I'm thinking to kms.

That more gentle approach - showing some vulnerability while appearing to be trying to be strong - seems to resonate with a lot of people.
Just in the past week, two people have told me about trauma in their lives that they struggle with.

I had no idea. They seemed so strong and well put together, I never imagined the terrible things they were going through.

And I try to reassure the person that I value them, and want to be there for them too. Because they need support from me! They care about me and don't want to deal with the trauma and suffering if I left permanently.

I try to establish a partnership. And as we build our trust, I share a bit more (in 2022 I almost committed)... but after all the previous interactions they're not shocked, they don't recoil and run. They accept, and support... it's like going to the movie at the most exciting part but not being there for the lead- up... it's confusing and a bit frightening for them.

Again, I'm hopeful this makes an aota of sense. I'm an engineer by background and culturally we're not known for our eloquence. For good reason!

All I'm trying to say is, take it slow. He cares about you, probably more than you realize (or else he probably wouldn't be in that defensive crouch to protect himself)

Start with something easy

Give him positive reinforcement when he does it

Reassure him you're there for him too (his distant may be because theres something going on that he's shy to tell you - because he's protecting you? ) - - ask him.

It's okay to be open and tell him. Just be measured.

Only my thoughts. I was 45 min from being done in 2022. That same coworker that cares about me called me out of the blue and interrupted me. I'll likely never tell her she saved my life. And that's as it should be.

The site community is great. They're really smart and kind and empathetic. I've found a lot of support here too, and that's helped me start finding my confidence to talk to (gasp) real people.

You're not alone, okay?

I'm so sorry if I wasted your time reading this.

But I do care, okay?
R

Hi,

I thought I will take time to reply since you took time to respond to me in a first place.

First of all, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and for what it's worth I am sorry you had to go through such rough times, getting divorce sucks although not as much as realising that you're in abusive relationship and getting out of one. I can emphasise with that. It takes a lot of strength to stand back onto your own two feet again.

Thank you for what you've shared. I don't know about eloquent but you gave me relatable scenarios with detailed explanation of communication. This is great, I wish every time I ask for advice people would explain things like that to me. I am being genuine, not sarcastic. Because it is similar with people in my life. Now that my life is good on paper and I am surrounded by good, decent people from relatively normal background with normal lives I feel like a bit of an alien, and they really cannot relate to my experiences. Which as you've mentioned, I am happy for them that it's the case. So your tips on being honest by just feeding them little bits of info is very useful.

I also feel I should do the same with my partner and your tips are very useful. And thank you for validation and reminding me that I am not alone, it does mean a lot in times like this

I also know that my partner does care about me a lot, he is very loving and sweet, he is the best man I know, but he is also an engineer and my oh my, he is not good with words, so being long distance can get tricky when I get into my dark thoughts. And I definitely overwhelmed him and worried him a lot. So I will try to be more gentle and make sure he knows how much I appreciate his support. He doesn't need to know every dark thought that comes to me, and I definitely want him to know I am strong enough to be there for him too.

I almost find my current problems funny, in an ironic, life is fucking with me kind of way. I've spent most of my life being treated by men in the most horrific ways, like piece of meat or worse, by strangers and ex-partners. And in some circumstances, to some extent I let them. I stayed and forgiven unforgivable things.
And now that I am with someone whom I've been friends with for a decade, who is the most inspiring man I know, who loves me dearly, now my brain is all over the place trying to defend me and is freaking the fuck out at the smallest change, and absolutely cannot stand a moment of quiet or not being validated etc. Thankfully I am dealing with most of my freak-outs internally cause he would run screaming by now. I am triggered by so much.

I also seen him since I wrote this post, and we have spend some nice time together, and I've managed to be chill and we're just enjoying ourselves. I also know now what he has been going through, and he is just overwhelmed in general at the moment. So I'm going to try extra hard to stay strong and not add to his plate.
I've had a moment where I got upset cause I felt rejected but I didn't let him know, I let is stay in my head, and I managed to act normally through it and show him love. And you know, it was a big step for me and I am kind of proud of myself, cause normally it would trigger me and I would be crying in a bathroom by now. Instead I decided to go on a forum for a bit and I will play some game. Maybe there is hope after all. I think I am just scared to love this much, because no one before meant this much, and it still hurt when it went wrong. So it's a combination of fear related to "what if he turns out to be completely different" and "what if I am just not good enough".

Thank you again for making me feel heard and understood, and if you read my response fully. I added some more information cause it feels nice to share.

It is wonderful that this community helped you and that you've found hope for yourself.

 

[Redacted24]

You are a really good, kind and caring person.
I'm really, actually, humbled by your even posting. I don't have that kind of courage.

It's hard to even describe the situation because it's like living it again. So, good on you for having backbone! I admire you.

So as a guy and engineer, I'm happy to help translate for you. Our thinking is a little unique and can be off-putting to others. I keep a log of my depression scores to see if I can identify trends. Who does that?

But I've spent a lot of time in my head so might be a resource... if you want.

Thank you for being patient with him.
For helping guide him
You're a really kind person
I appreciate you.