SomewhereAlongThe
Student
- May 17, 2024
- 194
Almost a year ago, when I got out of the hospital, I became obsessed with the exit bag method. My suicidal ideation was bad, I would turn living into a philosophy. My philosophy was that death was the ultimate bliss, and therefore we should kill ourselves to attain it. Then as I was discovering myself, I felt I had no talents or hobbies, and no passions I could pursue. My suicidal ideation left behind its philosophy and picked up a new destructive path, that I was worthless and since I have nothing to do, it's better for me to die than to live with nothing to do. So I began to actively seek out the items needed for the exit bag method. I got every single one, everything I needed, and put it together with success. Yet, when I did the final step (placing the tube in the bag and attaching it) and tested it, I abruptly didn't want to commit suicide anymore. My suicidal thoughts came to an absolute halt. I just didn't want to be non-existent, because I felt, well, that would be it. Now I view death as an absolute end to life. I'm not suffering terrible pain, so I wouldn't be able to understand their perspective, but for me I know it's not worth ending life forever. There are opportunities that we have that will simply never present themselves again. I can't do it, it's too much of a permanent end. Maybe I needed to get everything together to realize I don't want to do this. Like standing on the edge and contemplating jumping. Or maybe I'm just incredibly scare. All I know is that I'm willing to live and sort life out. I found passions I'm actively pursuing, drawing, photographing and mainly writing. It's working out well, so far. Hopefully I can put my life back together soon.
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