Discussion How much time for the mourning?

[Stan]

So there is never a right time and I know there is empirical measurement for how long someone mourns. But here is my conundrum:

One of my kids who I think will miss me the most is going to University in two weeks, it will be his first year. My method is in the post and is expected to be here by this weekend. I want to use it then to give him a few days to get over the shock, be with his mum and siblings before shipping off to Uni. I f I do it later when he is there, he has to travel for something around 4 hours to get back and have one of his experiences ruined halfway through when he should be making friends. my crazy thinking says that him going off shortly after my ctb would be a good thing as its a distraction and may lift him out of his mood and allow him to focus on something new and hopefully brilliant. So if my timetable is right I would do it exactly 1 week before he goes. My personal arrangements is that I have asked for no funeral and go straight for direct cremation, allowing them what they want to do if they want to do something separate. But I guess a coroner could hold that up even though I will be leaving them a detailed list of what I have done. Appreciate any thoughts or opinions

 

[Revan16]

Just my 2 cents, but i feel that is such a bad idea. The age is not comparable, but i lost my mother to cancer when i was 12.

1 week is not enough to "get over it". Your son will have to mourn by himself in a new environment, where who knows what kind of support freshmen who barely know him will give him.

If he had a month or more before heading to uni, then maybe. 1 week will be torture.

 

[pole]

sorry that you're pains and sufferings have made you come to this :(.

like you said, there isn't a specific time window, and measurement in how long one mourns. it can be long as hell; weeks, months, years on influences including the relationship between you two and you and the overall family. or it could be short, maybe weeks, maybe months, based again on you're emotional attachment to you're kid (s) and family as a whole. the more of an emotional attachment you have to them, the more its gonna hit them and hurt them even more.

many are much more sensitive than others. even the slightest of losses, such as a significant other in a relationship, job, has us mourning for months, perhaps even years. maybe critically analyzing how sensitive you're kid as a person, how hes reacted to problems including death in the past, might give you some sort of train of thought of how hard its gonna him, how hard it isnt and a estimated period of time.

though sadly, school and especially the first year of uni is such a hard time. even trying to mayne critically analyze this, has he had a hard time in school, his thoughts on going into uni, especially moving onto uni. this is gonna take a toll on his mental state. the stress of education, courses, wanting to do well, plus the aspect of interaction, moving into school, thats a different type of stress, plus ontop of that, its gonna the grief overcoming him with a loss of his guardian.

truth is, only you truly know how hurt hes gonna be. no one else.

hope you find peace.

 

[Stan]

truth is, only you truly know how hurt hes gonna be. no one else.

Thanks so far for the replies. In context we rarely speak. Their mother influenced me out of their lives long ago and I really hoped that when they got older they would try and connect but that didn't happen so technically I could be honest and say we are semi -estranged. They could go 6 months without saying hello to me despite me trying to make contact. When they are in trouble I am the last person to know.

 

[oopswronglife]

It's an unanswerable question. There is never a good time. There will always be some reason its a bad time. Some people adapt quickly....some never do. Some people react the former way to some losses and the latter way to others. There is no way to leave without hurting anyone who does care about you...whether that leaving is self inflicted or not. The best you can do is leave words to those you care about clearly stating it's not their fault. It's a shitty situation but all we've got.

 

[pole]

Thanks so far for the replies. In context we rarely speak. Their mother influenced me out of their lives long ago and I really hoped that when they got older they would try and connect but that didn't happen so technically I could be honest and say we are semi -estranged. They could go 6 months without saying hello to me despite me trying to make contact. When they are in trouble I am the last person to know.

thats terrible, sorry. mother's definitely wrong for that on so many levels.

maybe they still feel for you. wanna be and talk to you, but theres that barrier between you and them, and its their mother, whos also their caregiver. thus, maybe they feel the same way, and want you to reciprocate from their perspective in reaching out more, but truly dont understand how much of an influence as a barrier there mom is.

thats terrible again, sorry.

i just still cant think he wont be really hurt, and the stresses and anxious of uni and first year can only speed that up and influence it even more sadly.

i hope you find peace :(

 

[AnnaJaspers]

Thanks so far for the replies. In context we rarely speak. Their mother influenced me out of their lives long ago and I really hoped that when they got older they would try and connect but that didn't happen so technically I could be honest and say we are semi -estranged. They could go 6 months without saying hello to me despite me trying to make contact. When they are in trouble I am the last person to know.

Hi Stan,

I'm sorry for this conundrum. I too am leaving behind a semi-estranged family member yet I also struggle with timing. Really, there is never a good time, just some worse than others I guess.

Personally I would wait until his first semester is over, if at all possible. Going off to university is a huge stressor in and off itself which would be mightly compounded by your passing I'm afraid. Although it does help that you are semi-estranged.

Could you wait until Jan?

 

[Stan]

Could you wait until Jan?

The next real date would be mid December when his first semester finishes. But then my daughter will be in her final year and getting ready for her dissertation. But I guess it would give him a few months to bond with new people and then 3 weeks at home with his siblings. just that its so damn hard at the moment

 

[AnnaJaspers]

The next real date would be mid December when his first semester finishes. But then my daughter will be in her final year and getting ready for her dissertation. But I guess it would give him a few months to bond with new people and then 3 weeks at home with his siblings. just that its so damn hard at the moment

Can you take it day by day in the meantime? I've been actively planning my death for the greater part of a year and somehow managed to stick it out. Perhaps you can too? I certainly wouldn't blame you if you couldn't and had to exit earlier

 

[woxihuanni]

even the slightest of losses, such as a significant other in a relationship

Slightest? That is enough to ctb for a lot of people.

Yeah but starting university grieving is almost sure to fuck it up completely. They probably won't make friends, won't be in the party mood.

Aha, with estrangement it is probably easier to handle, though.

 

[Stan]

Yeah but starting university grieving is almost sure to fuck it up completely. They probably won't make friends, won't be in the party mood.

So would you say after the first semester?

 

[woxihuanni]

So would you say after the first semester?

Should be better. Most friendships will be formed by that time, they can support him. I wish you peace...

 

[Revan16]

So would you say after the first semester?

Sounds more reasonable. At least he would've already made some friends who can support and help him get through.

 

[Stan]

One of the great things about this forum is that I can sit there and think 'yeah, this will be ok' and then great contributors come along and shed some real light on it and make you think again. I never thought of those options. Thanks everyone

 

[pole]

Slightest? That is enough to ctb for a lot of people.

Yeah but starting university grieving is almost sure to fuck it up completely. They probably won't make friends, won't be in the party mood.

Aha, with estrangement it is probably easier to handle, though.

its hard to know how the parties involved in an estrangement truly feel though. for instance, if their moms the actual barrier, the wedge if you will, shes gonna influence his kids the most to do what she wants them to do, which is not be able to see their father. the thing is, we really dont know how the kids feel. theres instances where children wished there estranged parent guardian reached out more, and so does the other side of the stick in the estranged guardian, but because of certain influences such as the mother's perspective and acting barrier, none of it becomes evident.

and as for what i said, by slightest of losses, i didnt mean actual death. i meant breakups, such as teen breakups to the more emotionally invested ones such as seperations in marriages. even breakups, for teens, or young adults, in the shortest of relationships can lead one to mourn for a long period of time; because there sensitive, thats how they are. i mean, im one of those people as well.

 

[woxihuanni]

its hard to know how the parties involved in an estrangement truly feel though. for instance, if their moms the actual barrier, the wedge if you will, shes gonna influence his kids the most to do what she wants them to do, which is not be able to see their father. the thing is, we really dont know how the kids feel. theres instances where children wished there estranged parent guardian reached out more, and so does the other side of the stick in the estranged guardian, but because of certain influences such as the mother's perspective and acting barrier, none of it becomes evident.

and as for what i said, by slightest of losses, i didnt mean actual death. i meant breakups, such as teen breakups to the more emotionally invested ones such as seperations in marriages. even breakups, for teens, or young adults, in the shortest of relationships can lead one to mourn for a long period of time; because there sensitive, thats how they are. i mean, im one of those people as well.

True, estrangement can be complex.

Ah, misunderstanding there. Of course I am rather sensitive right now so it jumped at me. All good.

 

[pole]

True, estrangement can be complex.

Ah, misunderstanding there. Of course I am rather sensitive right now so it jumped at me. All good.

but for a guy, im really really sensitive. its really wierd lol. like ill literally take the smallest to heart and overthink the hell out of it; and even the smallest of losses, whether its friends, a job, anything, it takes months, maybe years to even forget about it and get over it; even then, ill still think and wonder about it.

im wierd.

 

[woxihuanni]

but for a guy, im really really sensitive. its really wierd lol. like ill literally take the smallest to heart and overthink the hell out of it; and even the smallest of losses, whether its friends, a job, anything, it takes months, maybe years to even forget about it and get over it; even then, ill still think and wonder about it.

im wierd.

I hope you come across people who will value your sensitivity rather than exploit it.

 

[k75]

I haven't really read any of the replies yet, but here are my immediate thoughts:

It's a bad idea. One week is not enough. He's not going to mourn a little for a few days and then happily skip off to school like nothing happened. I think no matter what, this will taint his experience. Hell, it might even prevent him from starting school to begin with. I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like maybe you haven't thought about that possibility, and it obviously matters to you or you wouldn't be asking.

There's really no good time in this situation. Do it before he goes, he'll never get a chance to properly start. Do it soon after, things get put on hold and he has to travel back home... And then he'll likely have trouble in school, because he lost a loved one and that's so hard.

I think you really only have a couple of options. Say screw the consequences and just do it or postpone and live for your kid, at least for awhile. There's no easy way. There's going to be fallout.

And for what it's worth, depression is really good at convincing us people don't care or will get over our deaths swiftly, but chances are that's a delusion. If it were true, those people wouldn't be worth considering to begin with. Only you can really say for sure which is more accurate, but I think it's worth giving some serious thought to.

 

[Empty Smile]

I lost my gf nearly 5 years ago, and I'm still mourning her death. It never gets easier.

 

[arelia]

Just because you're estranged doesn't mean he doesn't love you and won't be affected by your passing. Also he's young and so doesn't have the calluses on the soul that experience gives you to help deal with loss.
If it were me I'd wait until the end of the school year - that way he's we'll established in his studies and has friends he can rely on. If you do it at the beginning of the summer hols next year he has a month or so to recover before he has to face his studies. It may not take that long to recover his equilibrium or it may take more time but at least it gives him some breathing space before the new academic year.

 

[Stan]

I'm not trying to be mean

to me, you kinda came off a bit mean there

 

[k75]

to me, you kinda came off a bit mean there

I honestly didn't intend for it to be taken that way. I was just trying to help you see it from all angles.

 

[Stan]

No worries. Looks like the being 'sensitive thing' is catching today

 

[HitchHiker]

Stan I'm truly sorry that the mother of your children treated you this way and alienated you from them.

It's a subject very close to my heart and I've seen and experienced how much pain and devastation it can cause. The women who do this are the scum of the earth.

Sending hugs