Venting How much longer can I last?

[SecretDissociation]

The urge is so strong. The urge to die. I truly am alone in this world. Even while in a living room with mother and sister, even while in a flat the size of a classroom, I feel utterly alone, void, empty, numb.

Tomorrow morning, I think I am going to overdose on cocodamol and diazepam. I don't have anything else. I should have bought alcohol or something. I did my part and went back to religion after two years. I tried to kill myself because of religion, because he wouldn't leave me alone. He would make me sleep deprived, force me to pray, and when I tried to die and got out of hospital he tried to exorcise me. He read the qur'an and said "do you feel anything?" I never prayed with my family ever again since that day. I stopped praying since that day.

And I have confirmed, religion has no salvation for me. Islam has no salvation. I only prayed for my mother. If there is a God there, I want them to accept the prayers of my mother. She has lived her life in hell, and I will not be there to make it better.

Cocodamol and diazepam, it better fucking work. I left a note on instagram. If I don't go through with it then fuck future me. But I can't fail for the 6th time. No, no, no I can't do that. Pretending that everything is okay the day after. I can't go on living like this if it means just hurting myself. All I do is hurt myself to feel something, self-harm, sleep deprivation, being naive on purpose, letting people use me so that I can feel some sort of appreciation then being forgotten and left to rot because I am just a tool.

Screw life, go play with another soul, another being.

 

[ZoinkyDoinky]

Best of luck and I hope you find the relief we're all looking for.

 

[Pluto]

Religious abuse is some of the worst there is. It gives people free reign to be complete lunatics, not to mention extreme hypocrites.

I'm sorry it has come to this and wish you well.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrible to me failing ctb 5 times, that is exactly what I fear, so it makes sense wishing not to fail again. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for, it sounds awful what you've been through and it really is such a cruel existence where all of this endless suffering exists.

 

[SecretDissociation]

Religious abuse is some of the worst there is. It gives people free reign to be complete lunatics, not to mention extreme hypocrites.

I'm sorry it has come to this and wish you well.

It is. I will never understand the reason why my father chose to birth a child for the reason of making them follow a religion so that he could enter heaven. Now I have to suffer and be blamed for his inability to follow it properly. I am convinced that all he wants is control.

Thank you for the well wishes, it didn't go well.

It sounds so horrible to me failing ctb 5 times, that is exactly what I fear, so it makes sense wishing not to fail again. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for, it sounds awful what you've been through and it really is such a cruel existence where all of this endless suffering exists.

It is horrible but most of them were incompetent trials and my horrible survival instinct. If I lived alone maybe I wouldn't need to keep trying and failing.

I ended up sleeping for half a day and waking up with gross nausea and an aching stomach like per usual, i probably didn't take enough or drank too much water.

I too hope that you find the freedom you wish for. Thank you for your sympathy

 

[newbie87]

The urge is so strong. The urge to die. I truly am alone in this world. Even while in a living room with mother and sister, even while in a flat the size of a classroom, I feel utterly alone, void, empty, numb.

Tomorrow morning, I think I am going to overdose on cocodamol and diazepam. I don't have anything else. I should have bought alcohol or something. I did my part and went back to religion after two years. I tried to kill myself because of religion, because he wouldn't leave me alone. He would make me sleep deprived, force me to pray, and when I tried to die and got out of hospital he tried to exorcise me. He read the qur'an and said "do you feel anything?" I never prayed with my family ever again since that day. I stopped praying since that day.

And I have confirmed, religion has no salvation for me. Islam has no salvation. I only prayed for my mother. If there is a God there, I want them to accept the prayers of my mother. She has lived her life in hell, and I will not be there to make it better.

Cocodamol and diazepam, it better fucking work. I left a note on instagram. If I don't go through with it then fuck future me. But I can't fail for the 6th time. No, no, no I can't do that. Pretending that everything is okay the day after. I can't go on living like this if it means just hurting myself. All I do is hurt myself to feel something, self-harm, sleep deprivation, being naive on purpose, letting people use me so that I can feel some sort of appreciation then being forgotten and left to rot because I am just a tool.

Screw life, go play with another soul, another being.

I am sorry for your situation. I can't recommend the drug mix you said as you would need a very big quantity of them. I can tell by experiènce that it's difficult to CTB with benzos. It's very plausible that you only fall sleep and wake up feeling very bad. It can happen too that you panic due to SI and call emergències or for help. I don't recommend you to proceed with that methode.