How much effort/energy do you put into acting like you're "normal?"

[LuzurPhagget]

Like you're like everyone else and happy and enjoying life etc. Or do you not give a fuck?

I feel like I put A LOT of energy into putting up this front/facade. I think A LOT of people at work would genuinely be shocked and wouldn't have seen it coming when I end up kicking the bucket (but of course, "there were always signs!!!" Lol).

People have actually said that I'm "always so calm" and upbeat. The fools! I can barely maintain a fucking conversation, let alone eye contact. Fuck, I HATE when people ask what I did over the weekend (Durr, I dunno. Browsing SS. Finalizing my suicide plans. Took a dump).

Anyway, I'm just puzzled by why I'm like this. I would probably be A LOT less anxious if I just dropped this facade and acted like my true miserable self. But I just feel compelled to keep this shit up. Am I worried people would be getting all up in my business, trying to "help me," but as I've realized I've already gone down this path many times before and there is no hope for me and they'd just end up giving up on me like others have in the past, which in turn would make me feel even WORSE and thus avoiding possible confrontations altogether?

It would be SO nice not to give a fuck. Just wear a mean depressed mug at work all day. People would avoid me like the plague. Or ugh, maybe they'd want to "cheer me up." Dear god no! Lol

 

[Lethe]

I really don't, but I don't believe there's such thing as "normal" anyway. And if there were, I'm still much too stubborn to adhere to it anyway.

 

[Sadwind]

I pretend constantly. Sometimes my mask of sanity fails. Sometimes the programming I rely on actually performs its function and I can act like a person.

It's always hard, regardless.

Small talk is the fucking worst. That reminds me of a quote from "the office" where the secretary (not Pam, the redhead) is trying to make small talk and she says, "Oh your shoes match! I'm bad at small talk." I love that joke. It turns the conversation into something bizarre instead of something boring. I'm tempted to say what I'm really thinking all the time. But really, I'm just insane and none of that is going to work out for anyone. I keep my crazy shit to myself, generally.

I think to a certain extent we're all faking it. We all wear masks.

 

[Moon Flower]

I'm lucky to be more or less a recluse, there's not a lot of people I have to worry about fooling. I'm not very good at faking normalcy, but at least nobody knows I want to ctb

 

[BlackCatTalk]

Pdffff in jobs and with friends I pretend a lot, in my house and with my family I never pretend.... Everybody knows that I'm a loser.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I pretend constantly. Sometimes my mask of sanity fails. Sometimes the programming I rely on actually performs its function and I can act like a person.

It's always hard, regardless.

Small talk is the fucking worst. That reminds me of a quote from "the office" where the secretary (not Pam, the redhead) is trying to make small talk and she says, "Oh your shoes match! I'm bad at small talk." I love that joke. It turns the conversation into something bizarre instead of something boring. I'm tempted to say what I'm really thinking all the time. But really, I'm just insane and none of that is going to work out for anyone. I keep my crazy shit to myself, generally.

I think to a certain extent we're all faking it. We all wear masks.

What's your definition of insane?

Pdffff in jobs and with friends I pretend a lot, in my house and with my family I never pretend.... Everybody knows that I'm a loser.

Shit, your family knows you're suicidal?

 

[passenger27]

I stopped trying to act normal a long time ago. Like you said, it just takes too much energy. I wouldn't be normal even if I tried. I'm a covered it tats, long-haired freak living in a small town, so I'm doomed to be looked down upon. I have a young niece who asked me once how tall I was. I said "Oh, just normal." She gave me this serious look & said "There's nothing normal about you" lol. I guess they're right, kids never lie. I did get a kick out of that though.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I stopped trying to act normal a long time ago. Like you said, it just takes too much energy. I wouldn't be normal even if I tried. I'm a covered it tats, long-haired freak living in a small town, so I'm doomed to be looked down upon. I have a young niece who asked me once how tall I was. I said "Oh, just normal." She gave me this serious look & said "There's nothing normal about you" lol. I guess they're right, kids never lie. I did get a kick out of that though.

That's funny.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Quite a bit. Can't really quantify, though.
I can't allow anybody to see what's going on in my head because I need to stay outside of nuthouses. That's about it. That, and not being having to be bothered with "rescuing" when/if I CTB. That's the big part. Can't allow anybody to know.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Now? None whatsoever. When I was functional, way more effort than anyone should have to. I was an actor, an imposter, an interloper.

 

[BlackCatTalk]

What's your definition of insane?


Shit, your family knows you're suicidal?

Not at all, they know I'm very unhappy and loser, even I joke with that.

 

[GreyClouds]

All the effort I can possibly give to acting "normal" and "happy" so I don't hurt my close friend or jeopardize my job and what my coworkers think of me. At least for as long as I'm here.

I feel like this is what hurts the most, having to maintain a fake image when all I want to do is stay true to myself and disappear.

I constantly push myself each day Monday-Friday to go to work.... It's all I know how to do. I wake up with death on my mind and go to sleep with death on my mind. When the weekend comes around I don't even get "alone time" because of the lack of privacy I have... so I get in my car and drive somewhere peaceful to cry.. waiting for everyone to leave the house so I can rest.

Yesterday at work my coworker decided to question me about the future and/or goals I'd like to pursue. I tried my best to not let my eyes tear up and sound nervous when I said "I wasn't sure" but in the back of my mind I was answering those questions. "Planning my departure.... there is no future."

Acting "normal" fucking sucks.

 

[neilo99]

With family I try and act "normal" but at work I couldn't give a shit, they know not to approach me

 

[Woodnote]

I try my best to act normal. I don't think anyone I know in real life would ever guess I'm suicidal. Pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting.. but if I showed even the slightest sign of being suicidal to my family they'd have me committed to a hospital in a heartbeat. Not risking that.

 

[Rachel74]

All the time. This is why I really really want to live alone as I can act like I want to. Never going to happen x

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Now? None whatsoever. When I was functional, way more effort than anyone should have to. I was an actor, an imposter, an interloper.

Do you go out much/socialize? I'm actually envious of those who can go out like that and not give a fuck.

All the effort I can possibly give to acting "normal" and "happy" so I don't hurt my close friend or jeopardize my job and what my coworkers think of me. At least for as long as I'm here.

I feel like this is what hurts the most, having to maintain a fake image when all I want to do is stay true to myself and disappear.

I constantly push myself each day Monday-Friday to go to work.... It's all I know how to do. I wake up with death on my mind and go to sleep with death on my mind. When the weekend comes around I don't even get "alone time" because of the lack of privacy I have... so I get in my car and drive somewhere peaceful to cry.. waiting for everyone to leave the house so I can rest.

Yesterday at work my coworker decided to question me about the future and/or goals I'd like to pursue. I tried my best to not let my eyes tear up and sound nervous when I said "I wasn't sure" but in the back of my mind I was answering those questions. "Planning my departure.... there is no future."

Acting "normal" fucking sucks.

I feel ya.

With family I try and act "normal" but at work I couldn't give a shit, they know not to approach me

Nice. People at MY work are so friendly and helpful/considerate. Motherfuckers won't leave me alone! Lol

 

[Sadwind]

What's your definition of insane?


My definition of insane is where portions of your personality take over and you start acting irrationally, making unreasonable demands or acting out. Idk most things about me are a conscious effort.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

When my mental illness was better, i put in a lot of effort. Now i almost feel like a shock to talk to people. Like, somebody at work asked me what i do when i get home. "smoke a bowl and pretend i dont exist" had the 3 person table silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

I think my favorite realization was when i started to admit i am crazy. Everybody thinks i am so happy because i smile and laugh all the time, but i mostly just thinking dirty stuff. But in casual conversation if people ask how i am i just say "Crazy" and they laugh, look awkward, and move on. any further questions, i describe the latest intrusive though (Well i was wondering if jumping off this scaffold head first would kill me) and it kills the conversation.

 

[TowerUpright]

I spend almost all my energy trying to appear normal. On the good side, no one knows I'm suicidal. The bad news is, I just come across fucking weird...

 

[AgonyOnMe]

What a great question. Rather than normal, I feel like I am constantly pretending to be happy. It's so draining. I've gotten to where I just want to be by myself 24/7 because I'm so tired of pretending all the time. I just want to be alone so I can be myself.

 

[WOODESITY]

I hate going to work because people there are acting funny and expect me Same, if I don't smile or laugh on their jokes or whatever it could be I'm weirdo, I honestly prefer faking than being unemotional because most of the time I don't care what others joking about or saying, it sucks, but I keep up, when I'm not at work it's much easier to handle a day,

Deep down I know this all won't even matter to them in the end, but I still give a f*** somehow

 

[Mr2005]

Not much. I put more effort into avoiding any and all face to face contact with all but one person so I don't have to

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Do you go out much/socialize? I'm actually envious of those who can go out like that and not give a fuck.


I feel ya.


Nice. People at MY work are so friendly and helpful/considerate. Motherfuckers won't leave me alone! Lol

I can't even leave the house to go in the back yard.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

When my mental illness was better, i put in a lot of effort. Now i almost feel like a shock to talk to people. Like, somebody at work asked me what i do when i get home. "smoke a bowl and pretend i dont exist" had the 3 person table silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

I think my favorite realization was when i started to admit i am crazy. Everybody thinks i am so happy because i smile and laugh all the time, but i mostly just thinking dirty stuff. But in casual conversation if people ask how i am i just say "Crazy" and they laugh, look awkward, and move on. any further questions, i describe the latest intrusive though (Well i was wondering if jumping off this scaffold head first would kill me) and it kills the conversation.

Wow, kudos. Ballsy.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Well mentally I'm pretty normal. Physically I'm not. I mean this condition has made me despressed and full of anxiety but I'm not mental or anything. I don't hide anything anymore. Screw other people and what they think.