Venting How many parents use their kids as a marriage counselor?

[fleetingnight]

Another argument for antinatalism.

My parents never said they had me to "save" their marriage, but it's a theory. I was told I was planned, which confuses me so so much, because they were so young, broke, and clearly not ready for kid. But they were honest that my other siblings were a surprise, so idk why they'd lie about my birth

I feel like I was born to be a marriage counselor. I've listened to them vent and tried to settle their fights since I was little. They used to say, "I shouldn't be talking about my marriage with you," but then keep doing it. (They still do now, at least I'm an adult now) They knew it was wrong, but were too selfish to stop. Why should a kid be responsible for cheering you up when your partner upset you? It's so childish.

I know all relationships have problems, but can't you TRY to keep them away from the kids? And if you're gonna leave, fucking leave, don't keep threatening it and making us pack our bags then changing your mind. Do you know how scary that is for a kid? I don't think one was abusing the other, I'd understand more if so. They're just wrong for each other, and equally toxic. I guess I don't know what happens behind closed doors, and I hope it isn't like that, but they never seemed able to hold anything else back in front of us.

Isn't this kinda common, though? Kids have to mediate their parents fights, even if it gets violent, and always catch strays. A child raised like that feels like it's their duty to fix other people, no matter how much it hurts themselves.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Most adults have very poor communication and interpersonal skills because they weren't taught on how to do things, like regulate their emotions, communicate their feelings in a clear and polite manner, how to form healthy relationships, etc. Sadly, instead of learning how to do these things they instead just have kids and start the cycle all over again.

At first, when my parents divorced it wasn't too bad. It wasn't until my stepmother started to insert herself into their issues that things went downhill. They used to constantly interrogate me and put me in the middle of all of their shit. Nothing I did ever satisfied them. If I managed to make one of them happy I'd always end up making the other mad. My dad has vented to me about his issues with the divorce and my stepmother has vented to me about both her relationship issues with my dad and about issues with the divorce between him and my mother. She also once specifically waited outside of school for me, back in grade 7, just so that she could talk about how she's thinking of divorcing my dad and talked about issues with money. I still have no clue as to whether or not she was trying to subtly make me feel at fault for all of it or if it was just in my head. The icing on the cake is that she wasn't supposed to even be around me at the time because of a bunch of vile and insulting text messages she sent my mom the summer before.

My Mom never really vented as much to me, though there were two occasions back when I was younger (can't remember exactly how old I was, maybe around ages 8-10) where she randomly barged into my room in the middle of the night, dragging me out of bed while screaming at me and interrogated me about what was going on with my dad and stepmother. She slapped my face a lot, lol. During one of the nights she also threatened to kick me out. She even put some of my clothes in a bag and marched right to the door, opening it while screaming at me. I still have no clue what set her off and I'm honestly too lazy to ask her about it, lol.

The entire situation was a mess that was filled to the brim with arguments, insults, violence (particularly from my stepmother), manipulation, etc. While none of it was ever severe enough to leave a lasting impact on me, I still feel like none of them should have had a children (my stepmother has her own kids, one of whom is my brother). Hence why I have learnt from their mistakes and I plan on never having kids.

 

[fleetingnight]

The entire situation was a mess that was filled to the brim with arguments, insults, violence (particularly from my stepmother), manipulation, etc. While none of it was ever severe enough to leave a lasting impact on me, I still feel like none of them should have had a children (my stepmother has her own kids, one of whom is my brother). Hence why I have learnt from their mistakes and I plan on never having kids.

Either way, I'm sorry they put you through that. I really can't imagine dragging a child into your relationship/personal issues on purpose. How do you do that without it instantly feeling weird and wrong? And kind of embarrassing, lol, needing a child to help you with your adult life. I don't know if their blinded by their own needs, or if they forget that children are people, too.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Either way, I'm sorry they put you through that. I really can't imagine dragging a child into your relationship/personal issues on purpose. How do you do that without it instantly feeling weird and wrong? And kind of embarrassing, lol, needing a child to help you with your adult life. I don't know if their blinded by their own needs, or if they forget that children are people, too.

Eh, it wasn't that bad. I do think that they were blinded by their own shit but they also had a tendency to blame each other a lot. My stepmother, for example, acted as though both me and her were being put in the middle of my dad's and mother's drama when in reality she was the one who decided to insert herself into the situation. Some parents just prefer to play the blame game rather than reflect on their own actions, which is really annoying. Then again, people tend to do this in general.