How long?

[Fadeawaaaay]

How long have you felt suicidal?

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Last few months. Destroyed my life in one second

 

[Someone123]

How long have you felt suicidal?

Many thousand of years.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Last few months. Destroyed my life in one second

What happened?

Many thousand of years.

Do you plan to CTB?

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Constantly made terrible decisions when I felt like I was on top of the world. They caught up to me and ruined everything

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

20 years, give or take.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never wanted to be alive, even when I was very young I found death to be comforting and I could never understand people who enjoyed life and wanted to live. I started actually feeling suicidal when I was around 11. I just remember having these feelings of hopelessness. I am nearly 21 now. For a long time I have been certain that suicide will be the way that I die, I cannot imagine dying from anything else. In my case life is not for me. I want nothing to do with living. I just want to be at peace. Nothing would ever make me want to live.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Constantly made terrible decisions when I felt like I was on top of the world. They caught up to me and ruined everything

Wow. Same exact thing happened to me. Why didn't anybody warn us?!

I have never wanted to be alive, even when I was very young I found death to be comforting and I could never understand people who enjoyed life and wanted to live. I started actually feeling suicidal when I was around 11. I just remember having these feelings of hopelessness. I am nearly 21 now. For a long time I have been certain that suicide will be the way that I die, I cannot imagine dying from anything else. In my case life is not for me. I want nothing to do with living. I just want to be at peace. Nothing would ever make me want to live.

I can relate. I've had some pretty good times actually. But haven't gone through depression, you always feel like you're dragging a bag of rocks even in the best of times. And the darkness and the poison and everything and finally catches up with you until your overwhelmed.

 

[Hercules]

A couple of years

 

[Deadweight]

Since my early teens. I have been trying (and failing) to get somewhere in life since then but this has gone on too long now. There's no point in dragging it out any longer, just wasn't ment to be

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

since I was 14yo, today I'm 21

 

[Crimsonghost3]

I thought it was much less time than im starting to really think about it maybe as early as 11 or 12. Im 29 now and I won't make it to 30 its been over half my life and im finally being okay with it slowly

 

[eternalmelancholy]

It's been over 10 years. Life never got better like I was told. I want to go now before another 10 years passes right before my eyes.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

2 years

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I thought it was much less time than im starting to really think about it maybe as early as 11 or 12. Im 29 now and I won't make it to 30 its been over half my life and im finally being okay with it slowly

I think late 20s/early 30s is a good time to ctb. You already had a taste of what life has to offer and can see a rough forecast of your future. Each passing year it becomes harder to turn your life around. At some point you have to be honest with yourself. I think after a while you start to know it was always going to end this way.

 

[Crimsonghost3]

I think late 20s/early 30s is a good time to ctb. You already had a taste of what life has to offer and can see a rough forecast of your future. Each passing year it becomes harder to turn your life around. At some point you have to be honest with yourself. I think after a while you start to know it was always going to end this way.

I've been looking back a lot lately and realizing these feelings have been with me much longer than I remember. I was reading things I wrote 10 years ago and I would have thought I just wrote it for how exact the feelings were. The more I reflect on the last 2 years I feel like its just been coming to grips with ctb finally.

 

[Kobusu]

For a long time I told myself I've been like this since I was 14. Lately though, after doing some serious introspection, I've realized I've always felt this way. Since I was 5 about. I was just too stupid or too unaware to recognize it, but I've felt this way for 16 years of my life. I was never supposed to make it to 21. I barely made it to 18.

 

[Someone123]

What happened?

Do you plan to CTB?

That is an option - we'll see.

 

[ShatteredReality]

Constantly made terrible decisions when I felt like I was on top of the world. They caught up to me and ruined everything

Wow. Same exact thing happened to me. Why didn't anybody warn us?!

Same. Manic psychotic break. I look back and wonder how no one called it out as such. Still feel super incapable of fixing anything. Have only made it worse but switched from mania to depression and just want to fade away. But at the same time angry and and resistant to the idea because part of my brain feels as though it is still in the reality before the break. No one understands. Just give me platitudes.

 

[Someone123]

Same. Manic psychotic break. I look back and wonder how no one called it out as such. Still feel super incapable of fixing anything. Have only made it worse but switched from mania to depression and just want to fade away. But at the same time angry and and resistant to the idea because part of my brain feels as though it is still in the reality before the break. No one understands. Just give me platitudes.

When things were going well I didn't know how to change certain priorities to keep them going well- I didn't know enough about life, having no good role models that I knew well.

 

[Death is beautiful]

only 8 months

 

[ShatteredReality]

When things were going well I didn't know how to change certain priorities to keep them going well- I didn't know enough about life, having no good role models that I knew well.

Same here with role models. Then became even bigger problem once everything collapsed. I had no idea how to face the mess I made for myself. And it is a mess on the most complicated and grand proportions. It's a very huge, long story. I had a happy enough, content existence. Then I truly believed I found my calling and thought I was going to be a millionaire. Perhaps i would be now, but instead of prioritizing what was making me money I added more and more priorities and dreams and jobs for myself. Took me a long time after to realize it was a manic episode/ thing.

trouble with no role models or any substantial advice or guidance remained after. I was trying to get back on track, got another day job at an Amazon warehouse. I knew going in that it wasn't great for mental health. It's true. Pressure and not knowing what to do led to a break down and me hiding in my apartment and trying to starve myself. Made it about a month. Lost lot of weight. My brother eventually showed up and shoved KFC in my face. He didn't understand why or what I was doing. Nobody really tries to understand or listen. Just platitudes and saying to have faith.

There's a lot a lot more to the story. I simultaneously hate that no one in my life wants to hear it but then I also don't want to talk about it or think about it. I just wish I could fade away or go back in time. I hate this awful limbo. It doesn't feel real. I just want my life back. I hate this brain. I hate that I had hope. So much hope. Thought I was going to change the world.

 

[willitpass]

they started as intrusive thoughts when i was 10 or 11 and they terrified the shit out of me. by 12 i was planning to hang myself and by 13 i did it. i've had mental health issues since probably 5 or 6, though. started as severe anger issues and temper tantrums that stopped around 9, then became depressed and started self harming a few months later

 

[Beeper]

I have felt this way off and on for the last 10 years. The suicidal thoughts are typically present after an episode of mania / psychosis.

The suicidal thoughts become more pronounced and last longer with each subsequent episode.

The progression of my Bipolar Disorder has tended towards more frequent and more severe episodes.

It is brutal to endure the emotional ups and downs. I still have a difficult time accepting all the crazy s*** I did when I was manic.

What I end up with is clinical depression after the manic episode combined with situational depression due to the repercussions of my actions when manic. It's a double-whammy to the psyche.

 

[alexlondon365]

made a terrible decision that completely fucked up my life 6 months ago, have been having suicidal thoughts daily since then. am too chickenshit to go through with it, but if i think i have to feel like this for the rest of my life or another 10 years....

 

[LookingforAnswers]

made a terrible decision that completely fucked up my life 6 months ago, have been having suicidal thoughts daily since then. am too chickenshit to go through with it, but if i think i have to feel like this for the rest of my life or another 10 years....

What happened my life feels similar

 

[Hollowman]

On and off for 35 years

 

[dredd1981]

About 5 months……..back in December I had been living with my wife for about ten years along with our four dogs. I turned 40 last year and remember congratulating myself on how well my life was going. I was financially stable, was married, had a roof over my head and had four terrific dogs…….in less than a year it was all going to end rather abruptly.
Throughout December, unknown to me, my mental health started to decline. It started with my sleep, I'd get 6 hours a night then down to 4 then 2 then none. My doctor hooked me up with sleeping tablets which took the edge off but they were only prescribed short term and as soon as I stopped taking them I went back to no sleep. Xmas rolls around and I'm not eating or sleeping at this point and I'm constantly dizzy….I remember going outside on Xmas night and lying down in the garden hoping to die from exposure but after a couple of hours I gave up. Alarm bells should have been ringing in my head by this stage but they didn't. Anyway, on Boxing Day I decided to eat my gun, went somewhere I thought would be quiet to do it but it wasn't. So went home, said goodbye to my dogs, texted my wife then put the gun to my head….but I couldn't pull the trigger, I'd beefed it. Next thing the police have arrived, they take my gun away and take me to hospital.
Long story short, my wife kicked me out of the house, claiming I could come back when I'm better so I had to move in with my mum. Wife barely kept in contact with me then she turned up at the house out of the blue to tell me it was over. I was so fucking gutted. Her mum and dog had died a couple of years before and I went out of my way to support her and help her through it. Then when I need help I get fucked out of the house then she cuts me loose. I then discover that she had been ripping me off for the previous ten years.
So yeah, I'm pretty suicidal. I almost ctb a couple of weeks back, had a particularly rough few days so bought a couple of disposable bbq's and intended to gas myself with CO in my car, but I couldn't find anywhere discreet to do it despite driving around for about 2 hours. Probably a good thing as I'd probably have set fire to my car and died in agony. Presently I'm pretty up and down, discovered this site and decided SN would be my way out. I got medically retired from the police a couple of years ago due to degenerative disc disease but recently had to get a part time job to save enough cash to get my own place. I had intended to buy SN on Friday but the clowns I work for didn't pay me so I'm having to wait. It'll break my heart leaving my two dogs behind but, like most people here, I just don't see anything good in my future, just pain, loneliness and hardship. It's bad now but I'm pretty sure it'll get worse and I don't feel like hanging around for that.
Congrats to anyone who got to the end of this, you earned yourself a cookie!

 

[Forever Sleep]

32 years... To varying degrees but always there in the background.

 

[butterfly3]

around 2 years now