Help how long to wait between leaving partner and ctb?

[highheelhell]

i feel this has already been asked before, but repeated use of the search feature turns up unrelated topics :(

i have a boyfriend of about two years, which isnt especially long, but id like to put things to rest before im too roped in.

he'll be fine, hell, better off without me, but i dont want it all to weigh on him, or for him to blame himself in any way.

i intend to cut him out of my life in every aspect for a period of time, but i dont know how long I should wait before ctb.

should i wait until hes found a new girlfriend? i dont want to end things on bad terms, but would that help him in forgetting/disregarding me?

feigning an accident isn't really possible either for personal reasons :(

thank you, so sorry if this is a repeat

 

[SufferingInDenmark]

hmm. why do you think he would blame himself?

 

[highheelhell]

hmm. why do you think he would blame himself?

he's a soft soul, when bad things happen around/to him he tends to take responsibility when he really isn't to blame at all. he knows abt my thoughts in the past and prior attempts to ctb before i was with him and thinks im doing better, and i worry that he'll guess that i broke up with him in order to disconnect myself, and then blame himself for not "seeing signs" or whatever. ialso just really really dont want him to feel bad abt it, as if he'd never knew me, but it might be impossible to avoid that.

 

[amomentspeace]

I know nothing about your boyfriend, but I have known people like that and honestly the real answer might be never. Some people will just blame themselves for anything, even if it is irrational. What I would do is maybe leave a note or send a scheduled message with some words to try to calm him. How long you be willing to wait anyways? a week? a month? a year? It is a shitty situation and I'm in a similar spot, so I get you.

 

[fallingleaves]

This is not meant to prevent you from carrying out your decision, but my ex lover killed herself many months after our relationship ended and it's still one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me. Grief, especially grief over sudden and often unexplained or violent deaths, often doesn't have an end point. I was thinking about my ex lover today, almost six years after her death. It is what it is, unfortunately.

Edit: Also want to be clear that I know my ex was distancing herself from me before her death and I'm pretty sure that the last time we spoke, she had already made her decision. If your boyfriend isn't stupid, he'll probably know that too.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Unfortunately, if you truly mean what you wrote and it's all true, your lover will always have guilt in their heart when they will find out, even if you would do it in 30 years and not be together , he would probably feel guilt to a certain extent when he finds out.

You really got to thank our idiocracy for shit like this, if you could go out on your own terms with what family/friends you got left at least there would be some sort of understanding and local peace but it has to come to this dumb bullshit, it just ain't right.

 

[highheelhell]

I know nothing about your boyfriend, but I have known people like that and honestly the real answer might be never. Some people will just blame themselves for anything, even if it is irrational. What I would do is maybe leave a note or send a scheduled message with some words to try to calm him. How long you be willing to wait anyways? a week? a month? a year? It is a shitty situation and I'm in a similar spot, so I get you.

that's fair. id probably wait a few months (>3) max, or until he's found someone else (though i dont want him connecting that either, he does know im fairly jealous, but also im maybe just paranoid)

This is not meant to prevent you from carrying out your decision, but my ex lover killed herself many months after our relationship ended and it's still one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me. Grief, especially grief over sudden and often unexplained or violent deaths, often doesn't have an end point. I was thinking about my ex lover today, almost six years after her death. It is what it is, unfortunately.

Edit: Also want to be clear that I know my ex was distancing herself from me before her death and I'm pretty sure that the last time we spoke, she had already made her decision. If your boyfriend isn't stupid, he'll probably know that too.

i guess it is what it is. idk, the worst part abt it in part for me is i kinda fell for him with that softness, even if it goes a little far sometimes. he's certainly not stupid, but idk.

Unfortunately, if you truly mean what you wrote and it's all true, your lover will always have guilt in their heart when they will find out, even if you would do it in 30 years and not be together , he would probably feel guilt to a certain extent when he finds out.

You really got to thank our idiocracy for shit like this, if you could go out on your own terms with what family/friends you got left at least there would be some sort of understanding and local peace but it has to come to this dumb bullshit, it just ain't right.

i sympathize definitely :( its awful. i dont wanna demean him or call him stupid, but its so awful that i cant work to soften the blow without going back to the hospital

 

[ForeverCaHa]

My partner took his own life barely 48 hours after we had a big argument and I threatened to leave. It has left me a shell of my former self. That being said, would it have been easier to take the news had it happened a year or two years or three years after? Honestly, I can't say. The fact it happened so soon after the fact has definitely increased the trauma and mental/emotional distress, though.