How long have you suffered?

[Blueberry Panic]

How long have you had to deal with these thoughts, the feelings of wanting to ctb? I want to understand other people a bit more for their reasonings.

 

[rllysuper]

I've been depressed on and off since I was 13 but I've only started being suicidal since October

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Counting by the years I forget how old I am, 21 and I came being aware I didn't want to be alive at 5, I had to deal with the thought to forget because I kept gaslighting myself, I was aware at 11, I wanted to die, then 14, I was certain but I was lying about it because I was hoping to see how people in this world worked when I was younger, they didn't stop my abuse, so I guess, I fully understood I wanted to do so at 17, but kept going at 18, had to go back because people have traumatized me in this world too many times, and at 19, I was evenly certain, and I made sure at 20, I was planning to, so yes 21 years in fact… I count the years as a toddler and infant because my existence should've never happened…

 

[Peter Skellern]

I'd inevitably known I was probably coming to this since 2017. I'd made peace with a long time ago. I just wish the method was easier as facilitating this peacefully/painlessly is difficult.

 

[TheHolySword]

too long

 

[kalashnikova]

I've been suicidal since I was 8 years old.

 

[yousaidimsweet]

i developed depression as early as 12-13 years old and since then i've had on and off depressive episodes until now. sometimes it's crazy thinking about how long i've been dealing with depression and thoughts about ctb-ing. some days they are just fantasies, others i really want to actually commit to it. but really there's been something off with me when i dealt with child sexual abuse when i was 7-8.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I've been dealing on and off with major depressive disorder since 18 years old. I am 55 now. It's amazing I'm still here.

 

[Peace2peace]

I've been dealing on and off with major depressive disorder since 18 years old. I am 55 now. It's amazing I'm still here.

Are u male or female

 

[neonzebra]

I've been very depressed since I was a small child. I can't remember when I first thought of suicide as a a real option. I probably started seriously researching it when I had my first relationship end in my early 20s.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

During my childhood when I started to be more aware of what this world is like

 

[CogitoMori]

18 years non-consecutively

 

[billie]

10 years

 

[Forveleth]

Bout 25 years.

 

[crocune]

Suicidal for the past half year. Before that I was able to avoid growing up and dealing with issues by distracting myself with hobbies and buying things.

Grandma passed away and made me reevaluate everything and how I've wasted my life away achieving nothing, and now I spend my time researching a way to catch the bus

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I started having thoughts about wanting to die when I was around 8 but I wouldn't say that they've caused me to suffer. They did get to a point of causing me to become stressed out a few months back, but that's about it. Never truly suffered before.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Are u male or female

Female

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation since I was 10. I'm in my mid 40's now. The thoughts have varied in intensity. I've had more intensely suicidal periods than this but also, much more passive periods. I don't think the thoughts have ever gone completely though. The best I tend to get to is- 'Ok, I'm not so bad right now but, I'd still be ok with dying now.'

 

[JesiBel]

I could say that my problems worsened in adolescence...

+ venting:

When you start trying to socialize or be part of a group, and you start being rejected or discriminated against for being different, feeling like you don't belong somewhere.. I started cutting myself around that time.

My father abandoned my mother when her illness worsened (multiple sclerosis), when she could barely walk or do things. He became very aggressive with my sister and me.. long story... It was the worst time of my life. He has caused me a lot of mental damage, threats, insults, manipulation.. I am very insecure now, I feel like I am worthless, that everything is my fault.

And well, as always, the family has its favorites. And the fact that they are always comparing me to my sister makes things worse. She is extroverted, has many friends, likes to go out, and is doing well in life/work.

I really want to be someone in life, I'm trying hard, looking for new opportunities, I keep studying new things to broaden my horizons. But it's like I'm a ghost. I wish things would work out for me so I could maybe look forward to the future..

 

[Peace2peace]

Female

Can u dm.me

 

[bananaolympus]

In february it will be a decade

 

[WatchmeBurn]

I'm 24 now (closer to my 25th birthday than my 24th) and I first started being mentally ill and feeling suicidal when I was 10 or so, approximately. I still remember the first time I told my mum I was suicidal and how she got so mad at me for saying it-I don't think she realised I was serious even then.

So a little under 15 years.

Of course I already had issues before then (ASD and ADHD which, by definition, are lifelong) but I was happy before then and I didn't suffer from them.

 

[iwishiwishiwish]

I started experiencing depression as young as 11, and have experienced SI many times in my life. I've been actively suicidal since September last year. Also a lot of my favourite singers and authors have died by suicide, and I think that is no coincidence in my case that I like them so much. …I should go be with them, lol.

 

[bullfrog61]

Been depressed since I was 12 with very few periods of remission. I'm 23 now. Back then, I never really thought I would make it this long.

 

[Daxter777]

As a kid my adhd fueled my depression 10-13 i just didn't know it was depression at the time. At 14 i started to develop GAD and at 18 i started getting panic attacks. So it's been 20 years of struggling with this bullshit.

 

[resurgence]

12. got dx with mdd at 13. i have consistently wanted to be dead ever since. it never goes away. its been over a decade and its still just as bad, but i seem to have more self control and dont send myself to the hospital every third business day anymore.

 

[human909]

since i was 13.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've suffered for a really long time in this cruel, torturous existence, it's all just so dreadful to me, the fact that this existence was even imposed at all is always the most terrible tragedy to me, I see it as so tragic how I was forced into this existence that just causes suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for. To me existing will always be only suffering and I'll suffer as long as I'm conscious in this existence I always saw as the most terrible tragic mistake, to me existence truly is an abomination, it's something I never would have wished for.

I suffer so much from the imposition of existence and no matter what I'd always prefer to not exist, only non-existence can bring me peace from the cruelty and suffering of existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel and what terrifies me is how a human can exist for so long just to be tortured extremely by old age, the thought of suffering for that long is so unbearable to me. I just wish I was never enslaved in this existence, I wish I was never forced into this existence of unnecessary pointless suffering especially as never suffering at all is perfection, for me only non-existence is ideal, only never existing again is desirable to me which is why I suffer so much from how the option to painlessly cease existing is denied with suffering seen as to so cruelly force and prolong no matter what even know it all just leads to death anyway.

 

[S like Siren]

Too much to be honest and it's more than enough now

 

[divinemistress36]

I'd inevitably known I was probably coming to this since 2017. I'd made peace with a long time ago. I just wish the method was easier as facilitating this peacefully/painl

I started experiencing depression as young as 11, and have experienced SI many times in my life. I've been actively suicidal since September last year. Also a lot of my favourite singers and authors have died by suicide, and I think that is no coincidence in my case that I like them so much. …I should go be with them, lol.

Chester Bennington <3