Ruffian
Jumpin Jack Flash, it’s a gas gas gas
- Jan 16, 2019
- 696
I really don't know what I'm waiting for. I love my boyfriend so much and I don't want to hurt him - that's one reason. He said he would understand and forgive me if I ctb, but every time I look at him I feel guilty about leaving him like that. The other is that I'm genuinely afraid of almost every method except N, and I have too much of a legal past to risk importing it - if I got caught I would most definitely go to jail. I have a record that I've managed to hide well, but you can't hide from the law. But goddamn my life sucks, and like a lot of people here say, some of it was out of my hands, but I've made A LOT of bad decisions along the way. I've struggled with mental health issues, with addiction on top. I try not to be hard on myself because I know it's common to have those things together, but I really hate myself when I relapse, even though I usually end up relapsing when something in my psych meds change or I get depressed to the point that no psych med will help. However, I have had YEARS of clean time at different points in my life and ruined it with reckless spending, sex, and highly impulsive decisions. I am 51 and have almost nothing to show for my life. I have no friends to speak of, but I'm not sure that's too uncommon. I just filed bankruptcy for the 3rd time in my life, got through all of that, and now I have a nightmare of new debt piling up on top of that. My family is highly dysfunctional and pretty much estranged.
I absolutely HATE my career - I really thought I would love being a teacher, but I think I've had 6 good years out of my 22 year career (fuck it if someone figures out who I am.) I've worked in only inner city schools where the kids are really rough, but they are not my problem. It's incredible how corrupt the administration of the schools are. There is also a lot of bullying of other teachers, and no one talks about it. I tried changing careers, but there is really nowhere to go - it was a total dead end. I never feel any happiness anymore and spend so much time feeling either depressed or anxious in my spare time. At first I felt like this site was giving me strength to stay alive, but I actually get addicted to being on here, and I wonder if that's a good thing? I do really like reading about other people though.
My other method I would prefer would be partial suspension hanging, but it seems so complicated and I don't want to fail and be a vegetable. A lot of celebrities seem to be successful with it though. I feel like there is a good chance I'll fail because that's what my life has mostly been. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I just feel awful inside most of the time. I was in therapy for years with a therapist who was abusing me emotionally, but it took me way too long to realize it. Then I had to pay another therapist to get over that and I just gave up because honestly I'm tired of paying someone to sit and talk about my problems to and I never seem to get better. At least the 2nd one was kind, but there is something inherently annoying about most mental health professionals when you've dealt with them most of your life. My own sister even said it never really did anything for me. I feel like I'm rambling, but I just wonder if anyone else keeps trying to hang on in spite of how bad things get? How do you get through the day and when/how do you plan on ctb? I decided to post because sometimes I'll read someone's story and I can see there may be a solution they're not seeing. I know SS is a strange place to turn to for help with LIFE, but maybe someone will see something I'm missing.
One last thing - when I was younger I really wanted to be a writer. I thought by being a teacher I would have the summers off and be able to do that. But because my finances have always been a wreck I'm usually working in the summer. However, I have also spent entire summers too profoundly depressed to do anything, let alone find the inspiration to write. Ironically, almost every writer who has really inspired me committed suicide. I feel nervous posting so much about myself because I ALWAYS feel misunderstood, but I feel like I have nothing to lose.
I absolutely HATE my career - I really thought I would love being a teacher, but I think I've had 6 good years out of my 22 year career (fuck it if someone figures out who I am.) I've worked in only inner city schools where the kids are really rough, but they are not my problem. It's incredible how corrupt the administration of the schools are. There is also a lot of bullying of other teachers, and no one talks about it. I tried changing careers, but there is really nowhere to go - it was a total dead end. I never feel any happiness anymore and spend so much time feeling either depressed or anxious in my spare time. At first I felt like this site was giving me strength to stay alive, but I actually get addicted to being on here, and I wonder if that's a good thing? I do really like reading about other people though.
My other method I would prefer would be partial suspension hanging, but it seems so complicated and I don't want to fail and be a vegetable. A lot of celebrities seem to be successful with it though. I feel like there is a good chance I'll fail because that's what my life has mostly been. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I just feel awful inside most of the time. I was in therapy for years with a therapist who was abusing me emotionally, but it took me way too long to realize it. Then I had to pay another therapist to get over that and I just gave up because honestly I'm tired of paying someone to sit and talk about my problems to and I never seem to get better. At least the 2nd one was kind, but there is something inherently annoying about most mental health professionals when you've dealt with them most of your life. My own sister even said it never really did anything for me. I feel like I'm rambling, but I just wonder if anyone else keeps trying to hang on in spite of how bad things get? How do you get through the day and when/how do you plan on ctb? I decided to post because sometimes I'll read someone's story and I can see there may be a solution they're not seeing. I know SS is a strange place to turn to for help with LIFE, but maybe someone will see something I'm missing.
One last thing - when I was younger I really wanted to be a writer. I thought by being a teacher I would have the summers off and be able to do that. But because my finances have always been a wreck I'm usually working in the summer. However, I have also spent entire summers too profoundly depressed to do anything, let alone find the inspiration to write. Ironically, almost every writer who has really inspired me committed suicide. I feel nervous posting so much about myself because I ALWAYS feel misunderstood, but I feel like I have nothing to lose.
