neurotic
I'm doing very well
- May 24, 2023
- 104
(This was written in Recovery chat in response to someone, but I thought it might be able to help someone in the recovery forums. It's broad and I don't want to elaborate on my specific circumstance, as I had the intention of also helping those who are having a hard time identifying what is the cause and what to do, even if our situations are different.)
The questioned asked that was hard for me to answer: How do you identify the 'Vector', the cause of your depression? How do you find the energy to do so, or to even change it?
There's an omnipresent noise that affects your day to day life, similar to my view as a wake of traumatic force that makes decisions difficult, as like noise, it can affect my speech, my mindset, my perspective, and unchecked habits. It's a scream in your ear as you try to live. A loud buzzing surrounding your world that jams your attempts to establish signal with others and tasks.
For over 15 years I could not figure out what was damaging me, holding me back, and preventing me from accomplishing the things I knew I was capable of. I've been through dozens of therapists, dozens of medications, and dozens of life changes that still left me unsatisfied and drained. Identifying the 'vector'; the reason Why, is absolutely crucial, and an almost impossible task, and if you can't, you must Will it.
Identifying my energy reserves and separating them into "Will" and "Drive" didn't help me identify the elusive 'vector', but it did give me an understanding of how to manage my energy to figure it out. I couldn't bring myself to get up, to think, to speak, to work, and everything I was accomplishing was by 'Will' alone. Will is stressful, temporary, and pushing yourself to make decisions. It's limited and damaging, it's what makes you lose your hair, exhaustion even if you finally had a good meal, physical pain from unintentional straining (mine was my neck).
Drive on the other hand, is when you find a task enjoyable, and can enter a state of endless energy. It's what makes people able to handle larger tasks with ease, maintain relationships like it was second nature, studying and working for hours at a time. The state of drive can be given to a lucky few, but is almost always a force that was crafted by an environment you build around yourself. It's the difference between a bedroom, a dirty bedroom being will, and a clean bedroom being drive. Enjoying the process without having to force yourself. (Crafting such an environment to allow yourself to thrive is a topic in itself, so I would like to return to the original topic.)
Here's where everything coalesced and started to make sense. One day, during the very bottom of my sadness, a sadness I have never felt in my life that was just last year, I was utterly hopeless. I willed my suicidal plans into existence and it was eminent. But on that morning, at my most vulnerable, there was a loud slam outside of my door. I was jolted with adrenaline and fear. Fear. I was terrified. My entire life, I had lived in terrible, terrible fear and anxiety. I couldn't remember when it started, but I couldn't stand it. I made a decision that I would run from fear. Anything that scared me, I willed all the strength I had left to fight it, to stave it off for one more day, to afford the luxury of calm and peace. That's what I deserved, calm, peace, and happiness. I didn't care about anything or anyone anymore, I wanted to be calm, to be at peace, and happiness, and anything or anyone that got in my way, I would will them out of existence.
I cut off everyone, the slightest word that made me feel unsettled: removed. Cut. Close Family or friends, people I had known my whole life; The ones who terrified me, made me feel uneasy, worried. Someone you can trust would never make you feel that way. The ones who held me down panicked. Their tricks didn't work on me anymore, my emotions didn't operate on a level of understanding, but fury and pure logic. Get out of my way. You were either noise or signal. I would cry when I hadn't cried in forever, and after I cried, things were clearer, and so I kept willing and going, and would cry again. It was will, screaming with tears, that got me out of it. I kept screaming with overbearing anger and sadness, continuing to struggle relentlessly. To be able to actually scream at what made me scared, angry, or irritated, no longer holding anything in. The doubt I felt was maddening, I was alone, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I would hold my head, saliva pouring out of my mouth. Tears in my eyes that had been dry for forever falling at random. My head felt full of pumping blood. My eyes wide, strained, watered, and an open mouth ventilating slow and struggled. I remember getting my haircut during this time of absolute war I had declared and waged, and the woman suddenly stopped and wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I was going against everything I ever knew, hated by all that were close to me, but I just kept whispering to myself to keep going.
I made it.
Did I ever find the 'vector'? I don't know, but I think like a cancer, when you have to cut out a massive chunk, it's definitely in there. In recovery, the fog will slowly dissipate. You'll be alone for the first time in your life, and it will be over. It will be quiet, and you'll hear an ocean again. There's no rush to pick it apart anymore, and you can take your time to decide to keep or drop the small pieces you remember from time to time. At that point, you can decide with this new life and energy, to go back and try to help those you might've left behind, or to support those you might think you can help. Or you can decide to not look back, and proceed onward; accomplish a goal you may or may not know yet, guided by a compass that will take you exactly where you need to be. Pick the ladder, you don't have to be responsible for them anymore.
The questioned asked that was hard for me to answer: How do you identify the 'Vector', the cause of your depression? How do you find the energy to do so, or to even change it?
There's an omnipresent noise that affects your day to day life, similar to my view as a wake of traumatic force that makes decisions difficult, as like noise, it can affect my speech, my mindset, my perspective, and unchecked habits. It's a scream in your ear as you try to live. A loud buzzing surrounding your world that jams your attempts to establish signal with others and tasks.
For over 15 years I could not figure out what was damaging me, holding me back, and preventing me from accomplishing the things I knew I was capable of. I've been through dozens of therapists, dozens of medications, and dozens of life changes that still left me unsatisfied and drained. Identifying the 'vector'; the reason Why, is absolutely crucial, and an almost impossible task, and if you can't, you must Will it.
Identifying my energy reserves and separating them into "Will" and "Drive" didn't help me identify the elusive 'vector', but it did give me an understanding of how to manage my energy to figure it out. I couldn't bring myself to get up, to think, to speak, to work, and everything I was accomplishing was by 'Will' alone. Will is stressful, temporary, and pushing yourself to make decisions. It's limited and damaging, it's what makes you lose your hair, exhaustion even if you finally had a good meal, physical pain from unintentional straining (mine was my neck).
Drive on the other hand, is when you find a task enjoyable, and can enter a state of endless energy. It's what makes people able to handle larger tasks with ease, maintain relationships like it was second nature, studying and working for hours at a time. The state of drive can be given to a lucky few, but is almost always a force that was crafted by an environment you build around yourself. It's the difference between a bedroom, a dirty bedroom being will, and a clean bedroom being drive. Enjoying the process without having to force yourself. (Crafting such an environment to allow yourself to thrive is a topic in itself, so I would like to return to the original topic.)
Here's where everything coalesced and started to make sense. One day, during the very bottom of my sadness, a sadness I have never felt in my life that was just last year, I was utterly hopeless. I willed my suicidal plans into existence and it was eminent. But on that morning, at my most vulnerable, there was a loud slam outside of my door. I was jolted with adrenaline and fear. Fear. I was terrified. My entire life, I had lived in terrible, terrible fear and anxiety. I couldn't remember when it started, but I couldn't stand it. I made a decision that I would run from fear. Anything that scared me, I willed all the strength I had left to fight it, to stave it off for one more day, to afford the luxury of calm and peace. That's what I deserved, calm, peace, and happiness. I didn't care about anything or anyone anymore, I wanted to be calm, to be at peace, and happiness, and anything or anyone that got in my way, I would will them out of existence.
I cut off everyone, the slightest word that made me feel unsettled: removed. Cut. Close Family or friends, people I had known my whole life; The ones who terrified me, made me feel uneasy, worried. Someone you can trust would never make you feel that way. The ones who held me down panicked. Their tricks didn't work on me anymore, my emotions didn't operate on a level of understanding, but fury and pure logic. Get out of my way. You were either noise or signal. I would cry when I hadn't cried in forever, and after I cried, things were clearer, and so I kept willing and going, and would cry again. It was will, screaming with tears, that got me out of it. I kept screaming with overbearing anger and sadness, continuing to struggle relentlessly. To be able to actually scream at what made me scared, angry, or irritated, no longer holding anything in. The doubt I felt was maddening, I was alone, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I would hold my head, saliva pouring out of my mouth. Tears in my eyes that had been dry for forever falling at random. My head felt full of pumping blood. My eyes wide, strained, watered, and an open mouth ventilating slow and struggled. I remember getting my haircut during this time of absolute war I had declared and waged, and the woman suddenly stopped and wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I was going against everything I ever knew, hated by all that were close to me, but I just kept whispering to myself to keep going.
I made it.
Did I ever find the 'vector'? I don't know, but I think like a cancer, when you have to cut out a massive chunk, it's definitely in there. In recovery, the fog will slowly dissipate. You'll be alone for the first time in your life, and it will be over. It will be quiet, and you'll hear an ocean again. There's no rush to pick it apart anymore, and you can take your time to decide to keep or drop the small pieces you remember from time to time. At that point, you can decide with this new life and energy, to go back and try to help those you might've left behind, or to support those you might think you can help. Or you can decide to not look back, and proceed onward; accomplish a goal you may or may not know yet, guided by a compass that will take you exactly where you need to be. Pick the ladder, you don't have to be responsible for them anymore.
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