Venting How I know I’m getting close to ctb

[Bluff]

I was a happy kid and that's what sucks about this fucked up world.

I cried a lot in my younger years, despite my energetic weird personality. Depression diagnosis really young but had parents who didn't believe it (I asked my nurse if she'd do a test when I was getting shots and my dad was out of the room) m
My brain ran so wild it was impossible for me to make friends/keep them. I blame myself but who knows if I am just that unlucky with how friendships were for me.

At first I could be by myself and calm myself down after breakdowns. I cried a lot but I could handle it. And my childhood crying was traumatic issues like my dad cutting himself in front of me and constant bullying. I was surprisingly tough.

Now it's a constant ache. It's gotten to a point where being numb feels worse than crying. Punching my legs until it's purple to feel something. Everyday is painful and fucking dreadful. It just feels like I'm in a constant state of emptiness. My mind is a void but I'm trying to grasp onto what's left but I can't. I can't do this anymore.

I try my absolute best to stay happy, I've tried for years, but I can't! Nobody understands that I physically cannot. I've put so much into actually trying but the want is there and I'm still scared. It's scary. But I'm sure the next time I snap I'll grab the right thing and stab myself with no restrictions. Because I simply cannot anymore.

I was a happy kid. I put and still put my heart fully into everything I do. And I'll still try and smile my way through things. But when I break I hope everyone can see how broken I was the whole time and how I've always been to far gone.

 

[Ki_Nam]

Stay strong, if you can. Try not to prove a point to anyone by ctb. It is for you and you alone. It's something only you have the control to do for yourself - if you find it best for yourself. The rest will just follow, where those who overlooked you will see the truth.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you've been through, it's certainly such a cruel world where all this endless amounts of suffering exists but anyway I wish you the best. At least to me, there could never be any peace as long as one is trapped here.

 

[nlpgirl99]

A lot of my pain stems from the pain of childhood…like my dad putting a gun to my head and threatening to kill us both because I don't listen to him, and my mother completely ignoring my attempt to reveal my sexual abuse. My household was an insane, fake Christian family with a pastor dad. Now I'm a mess, nothing feels real. I care about nothing.

 

[peelingbananas]

I was a happy kid and that's what sucks about this fucked up world.

I cried a lot in my younger years, despite my energetic weird personality. Depression diagnosis really young but had parents who didn't believe it (I asked my nurse if she'd do a test when I was getting shots and my dad was out of the room) m
My brain ran so wild it was impossible for me to make friends/keep them. I blame myself but who knows if I am just that unlucky with how friendships were for me.

At first I could be by myself and calm myself down after breakdowns. I cried a lot but I could handle it. And my childhood crying was traumatic issues like my dad cutting himself in front of me and constant bullying. I was surprisingly tough.

Now it's a constant ache. It's gotten to a point where being numb feels worse than crying. Punching my legs until it's purple to feel something. Everyday is painful and fucking dreadful. It just feels like I'm in a constant state of emptiness. My mind is a void but I'm trying to grasp onto what's left but I can't. I can't do this anymore.

I try my absolute best to stay happy, I've tried for years, but I can't! Nobody understands that I physically cannot. I've put so much into actually trying but the want is there and I'm still scared. It's scary. But I'm sure the next time I snap I'll grab the right thing and stab myself with no restrictions. Because I simply cannot anymore.

I was a happy kid. I put and still put my heart fully into everything I do. And I'll still try and smile my way through things. But when I break I hope everyone can see how broken I was the whole time and how I've always been to far gone.

crying is a good feeling after you finish. it's a sense of release from the sadness, at least in the moment. i sincerely hope shit turns around. clearly the roots are from when you were a child, but when do you think it became more severe?