WaitingForTheBus
Student
- Oct 27, 2018
- 136
Hello fellow passengers. I am a 49 year old Male from sunny Queensland, Australia. My name is Matt, I feel comfortable sharing that information and don't think I am breaking any forum rules by telling you (delete if needed please Mods). I have been a lurker for a while and thought this is a place I need to be a part of. It may be for different reasons, but we all seek the same outcome.
Had suicidal tendencies for most of my life, since the age of about 14 due to depression. It is the people that I will leave behind that has stopped me from going all the way. First it was my Grandmother, who raised me as a child. I could never have put her through the pain of having to attend my funeral. Then along came my kids, 4 of them. The mental damage I knew my suicide would cause them at a young age controlled my urges.
I did give in though about 8 years ago, marriage failed, thought I was losing my kids so I tried twice and failed both times. The ex ended leaving the 2 youngest kids (oldest 2 had already moved out) with me and that enabled me some purpose again, a reason to keep going.
Life has been difficult during that time but I've managed to keep everything in check pretty much, until recently. My youngest child started to suffer from the same issues I had as a teen, suicidal thoughts, self harm and it broke me to see her like this and my own demons started to slowly take over. Recently my daughter ran away from home to stay with her bf (she is 14), she won't return home let alone talk to me and there is legally nothing I can do. I miss her terribly and knowing there is nothing I can do is killing me. Literally.
This, along with a recent failed relationship (first in 8 years and I love her dearly), has left me at a point of no return. I am completely alone and I had forgotten what it was like to love and to be loved until she came into my life. It was all too short though. I feel broken beyond repair, more so than ever. I'm determined that now is the time to set the wheels in motion so to speak and wait for the bus to come.
So here I am, completely alone (older kids all moved out and living in another state) and no longer caring, drinking way too much and deciding which method is my preferred way out. Which initially I wanted to be as violent as possible. I like to hurt myself, emotionally and physically and I feel I deserve as much pain as possible.
So I was looking at high speed car accident (air bags disabled), jumping (too scared) or death by cops (not fair to involve others). I decided that it would probably make my passing a little more difficult for my kids by going in such a fashion as well, it will be hard enough as it is.
I would love to get my hands on N but getting that into the country may prove problematic. So I've looked extensively into using SN. Although not the most peaceful way to go, it may be my best option. Looked into an exit bag but am worried I may stuff that up.
Sorry for the long post, therapeutic in a way and it just kept coming.
One last thing, as someone who has felt this way for a long time and also as a parent of a child who felt like there was no other option but death (she doesn't anymore, thankfully), it is distressing to see the number of young people posting in here. Not lecturing anyone as I do understand, it's just sad that so many people feel this way at a young age. Some grow out of it, some don't and will forever be waiting for the bus. May you all find peace one way or another.
Had suicidal tendencies for most of my life, since the age of about 14 due to depression. It is the people that I will leave behind that has stopped me from going all the way. First it was my Grandmother, who raised me as a child. I could never have put her through the pain of having to attend my funeral. Then along came my kids, 4 of them. The mental damage I knew my suicide would cause them at a young age controlled my urges.
I did give in though about 8 years ago, marriage failed, thought I was losing my kids so I tried twice and failed both times. The ex ended leaving the 2 youngest kids (oldest 2 had already moved out) with me and that enabled me some purpose again, a reason to keep going.
Life has been difficult during that time but I've managed to keep everything in check pretty much, until recently. My youngest child started to suffer from the same issues I had as a teen, suicidal thoughts, self harm and it broke me to see her like this and my own demons started to slowly take over. Recently my daughter ran away from home to stay with her bf (she is 14), she won't return home let alone talk to me and there is legally nothing I can do. I miss her terribly and knowing there is nothing I can do is killing me. Literally.
This, along with a recent failed relationship (first in 8 years and I love her dearly), has left me at a point of no return. I am completely alone and I had forgotten what it was like to love and to be loved until she came into my life. It was all too short though. I feel broken beyond repair, more so than ever. I'm determined that now is the time to set the wheels in motion so to speak and wait for the bus to come.
So here I am, completely alone (older kids all moved out and living in another state) and no longer caring, drinking way too much and deciding which method is my preferred way out. Which initially I wanted to be as violent as possible. I like to hurt myself, emotionally and physically and I feel I deserve as much pain as possible.
So I was looking at high speed car accident (air bags disabled), jumping (too scared) or death by cops (not fair to involve others). I decided that it would probably make my passing a little more difficult for my kids by going in such a fashion as well, it will be hard enough as it is.
I would love to get my hands on N but getting that into the country may prove problematic. So I've looked extensively into using SN. Although not the most peaceful way to go, it may be my best option. Looked into an exit bag but am worried I may stuff that up.
Sorry for the long post, therapeutic in a way and it just kept coming.
One last thing, as someone who has felt this way for a long time and also as a parent of a child who felt like there was no other option but death (she doesn't anymore, thankfully), it is distressing to see the number of young people posting in here. Not lecturing anyone as I do understand, it's just sad that so many people feel this way at a young age. Some grow out of it, some don't and will forever be waiting for the bus. May you all find peace one way or another.
