crowdedmind
New Member
- Apr 10, 2025
- 3
This is my first post. I joined the site nearly a month ago. I joined, in part and as a result, because my wife left me in March. At that same time, I was under threat of losing my job, and my housing situation was causing me a great deal of distress. I have been in the same room, working, cooking, eating, passing the evenings for over 5 years (since the pandemic)
I am told that relationship breakdown, job loss, and housing are 3 of the 5 big stressors that can bring about an onset of suicidal urges, and I can see why.
I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for well over a decade, prior to the events stated above. My mental health deteriorating played no small part contributed to the ending of my marriage.
I loved my wife more than anyone I had ever met. She was my reason for continuing to live as long as I have done up until this point.
But I was too co-dependant on her; it is unfair, too much of a strain on that person when you, knowingly or unknowingly, tie your self-worth and self-esteem to their love.
I have since learned, thanks to this site and the resources in the Recovery section, that I may be a combination of the "Freeze" and "Fawn" trauma types.
It is in retrospect that I can recognise the symptoms of co-dependency in our relationship. It also helps explain why I become detached from reality at times; why I started to withdrawing from the world the past 5 years and procrastinating; why I have been misdiagnosed with moderate depression (upgraded to clinical and severe depression recently, woohoo!)
I survived childhood abuse from one parent, where most likely this trauma came from. That source of trauma was removed toward the end of childhood, and I survived. I carried on, I even excelled in my teenage years through academics and athletics. I found purpose in those activities and that structure. It allowed me to move forward and away from the past.
I then suffered with a massive bereavement in my very early adulthood. The whole world seemed to stop when I lost my only remaining parent, the one who had saved me from the abuse of the other. Not that it mattered in comparison, but also lost the family home and most of the contents. Grief took over my life and my outlook for significant period of time.
Some time later, I made a calculated decision at that time to indulge in the excesses of youth, to fritter away without thought or concern for the future the remaining years of university. In the summer after graduation, I would read a book I always wanted to but didn't have the time, and then would end of my life by jumping in front of a train.
A train was not an option, as firstly when I tried my legs turned to lead, and on reflection, it would be an incredibly horrible experience for the driver and anyone witnessing the event. I turned to other methods, but in my country, it is very difficult to find the methods that would suit me.
During this time, it became apparent to those around me I was getting more ill. Through others, I recovered partially through a combination of therapy, talking, medication, and exercise. These did get me to a place where I could survive the day to day, and it gave me the opportunity to give life another chance.
It was in this time that I met my future wife. For a few years, with her, I was truly happy, in ways I did not know were possible.
I am now in my early 30s. Now the life I thought I could have with my wife is forever destroyed. The accumulated pain of trauma, grief, loss, it is all too much now.
A crossroads has been reached. I know I do not wish to inflict any further mental suffering on those I come into contact in my life. I am ethical and do not wish, and have never, harm anyone. But as I form relationships, I drag people down with me over time.
To get to the point, I have been in and out of treatment for mental health for years, and during this most recent and acute of crises the last 6 weeks, I was put into a crisis house to prevent me from harming myself. I really, truly tried to get better during that time. The staff were very kind to me. They showed me to lots of different coping mechanisms, self-compassion exercises, etc.
Many of these I was already aware of, as I was really trying to get better for many years, and during that stint in the crisis house. I have tried various medications, meditation apps, practice good sleep hygiene, breathing exercises, philosophy, religion, I do not drink, go for long walks, eat correctly. I have exhausted quite a lot of avenues. I don't want to end up in a crisis house again, or a mental asylum. That would be worse than death to me.
I see the next few weeks and months as the most crucial in my life, the crossroads where I decide, finally, whether to try recovery one more time, or by taking the decision that is mine to take, and put an end to my suffering. These weeks will be spent trying to do the right things, but I want the option to end things.
My wish is to
1) go without pain
2) that my organs are not damaged so that they may be donated
3) that there be an extremely high chance of success
4) that is is fairly quick to take effect
I had heard of SN could fit the bill, but wanted to ask if this met criteria 2) - also, though, from what I gather, this is becoming an increasingly difficult option, and especially in my county.
Another chemical, C, obtained by crushing various seeds to extract, may fit this set of criteria but again unsure of 2) and 4), as I may botch the extraction process.
I have considered hanging, but am concerned of botching the attempt. A firearm is not a choice in my country. I have an extremely low pain threshold, have not engage in any substantial self-harm, so a knife is an option of last resort, but have procured a Stanley knife if I can find no other option in the near future. Paracetamol is supposedly a terrible option, but I do also have that as a standby (>200 500mg pills)
My apologies for the long-winded life story, I wasn't sure how to start out. Hopefully, someone can help me find my way.
Many thanks in advance
I am told that relationship breakdown, job loss, and housing are 3 of the 5 big stressors that can bring about an onset of suicidal urges, and I can see why.
I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for well over a decade, prior to the events stated above. My mental health deteriorating played no small part contributed to the ending of my marriage.
I loved my wife more than anyone I had ever met. She was my reason for continuing to live as long as I have done up until this point.
But I was too co-dependant on her; it is unfair, too much of a strain on that person when you, knowingly or unknowingly, tie your self-worth and self-esteem to their love.
I have since learned, thanks to this site and the resources in the Recovery section, that I may be a combination of the "Freeze" and "Fawn" trauma types.
It is in retrospect that I can recognise the symptoms of co-dependency in our relationship. It also helps explain why I become detached from reality at times; why I started to withdrawing from the world the past 5 years and procrastinating; why I have been misdiagnosed with moderate depression (upgraded to clinical and severe depression recently, woohoo!)
I survived childhood abuse from one parent, where most likely this trauma came from. That source of trauma was removed toward the end of childhood, and I survived. I carried on, I even excelled in my teenage years through academics and athletics. I found purpose in those activities and that structure. It allowed me to move forward and away from the past.
I then suffered with a massive bereavement in my very early adulthood. The whole world seemed to stop when I lost my only remaining parent, the one who had saved me from the abuse of the other. Not that it mattered in comparison, but also lost the family home and most of the contents. Grief took over my life and my outlook for significant period of time.
Some time later, I made a calculated decision at that time to indulge in the excesses of youth, to fritter away without thought or concern for the future the remaining years of university. In the summer after graduation, I would read a book I always wanted to but didn't have the time, and then would end of my life by jumping in front of a train.
A train was not an option, as firstly when I tried my legs turned to lead, and on reflection, it would be an incredibly horrible experience for the driver and anyone witnessing the event. I turned to other methods, but in my country, it is very difficult to find the methods that would suit me.
During this time, it became apparent to those around me I was getting more ill. Through others, I recovered partially through a combination of therapy, talking, medication, and exercise. These did get me to a place where I could survive the day to day, and it gave me the opportunity to give life another chance.
It was in this time that I met my future wife. For a few years, with her, I was truly happy, in ways I did not know were possible.
I am now in my early 30s. Now the life I thought I could have with my wife is forever destroyed. The accumulated pain of trauma, grief, loss, it is all too much now.
A crossroads has been reached. I know I do not wish to inflict any further mental suffering on those I come into contact in my life. I am ethical and do not wish, and have never, harm anyone. But as I form relationships, I drag people down with me over time.
To get to the point, I have been in and out of treatment for mental health for years, and during this most recent and acute of crises the last 6 weeks, I was put into a crisis house to prevent me from harming myself. I really, truly tried to get better during that time. The staff were very kind to me. They showed me to lots of different coping mechanisms, self-compassion exercises, etc.
Many of these I was already aware of, as I was really trying to get better for many years, and during that stint in the crisis house. I have tried various medications, meditation apps, practice good sleep hygiene, breathing exercises, philosophy, religion, I do not drink, go for long walks, eat correctly. I have exhausted quite a lot of avenues. I don't want to end up in a crisis house again, or a mental asylum. That would be worse than death to me.
I see the next few weeks and months as the most crucial in my life, the crossroads where I decide, finally, whether to try recovery one more time, or by taking the decision that is mine to take, and put an end to my suffering. These weeks will be spent trying to do the right things, but I want the option to end things.
My wish is to
1) go without pain
2) that my organs are not damaged so that they may be donated
3) that there be an extremely high chance of success
4) that is is fairly quick to take effect
I had heard of SN could fit the bill, but wanted to ask if this met criteria 2) - also, though, from what I gather, this is becoming an increasingly difficult option, and especially in my county.
Another chemical, C, obtained by crushing various seeds to extract, may fit this set of criteria but again unsure of 2) and 4), as I may botch the extraction process.
I have considered hanging, but am concerned of botching the attempt. A firearm is not a choice in my country. I have an extremely low pain threshold, have not engage in any substantial self-harm, so a knife is an option of last resort, but have procured a Stanley knife if I can find no other option in the near future. Paracetamol is supposedly a terrible option, but I do also have that as a standby (>200 500mg pills)
My apologies for the long-winded life story, I wasn't sure how to start out. Hopefully, someone can help me find my way.
Many thanks in advance
