How has this forum effected you?

[The.End]

Before I found this forum, I really wanted my miserable life to end but I could never see myself committing suicide. After finding and browsing this site for only two days, I realised that killing myself was really my best option and I could finally see myself doing it.

I'm not saying this site this encouraged me in anyway but it certainly changed my attitude towards suicide.

Coming from a society where I'm constantly told life is a precious gift, this forums attitude toward suicide is unlike anything I've ever experienced, and a welcomed change at that.

After finding this forum and accepting the fact I will most likely ctb, I felt a huge sense of relieve.

This site was there for me when I had nothing and nobody to turn to, for that I will always support this forum, that being said, if a loved one ever told me they were suicidal, I would never want them to find this site and I'd probably do anything and everything in my power to stop them CTB, including committing them to a mental hospital. Only difference is, before I would have thought I was helping them, but now I know I would probably be doing it for my own personal selfish reasons, but that's just how I feel.

I just wanted to send my condolences to the mother and family of the young girl who recently committed suicide (I'm sure most of you know who I'm talking about). I am very sorry for your loss, I cant imagine what your going through and I fully understand why you would want to blame this forum for what happen to your daughter. We all need someone to blame when bad things happen and I'm sure you blame yourself plenty. But playing the blame game won't bring her back. I know you probably see us as heartless monsters, but many of us are a lot like your daughter and we are suffering the same way she was. Personally I have a huge respect for your daughter, she did what she felt like she had to do and I hope she's enjoying the peace she always wanted.

Reading the news article made me really sad, all I could think about is how my suicide will effect my own mother.

I don't want my suicide destroying my families lives, I want them to get over my death ASAP and get on with their lives. I'm sure your daughter would have wanted the same for you.

 

[MartEU]

For me this site has brought me so much relieve and rest, I now know I'm not alone with this struggle.
Even if I know I'm not gonna ctb for a while probably I can talk about it openly without feeling judged.
This place is truly a blessing

 

[any%]

It made me more selfish & leaning more towards suicide, because SS is a internet social bubble where only like-minded people talk to each other and reinforce their beliefs, currently I have some personal problems dealing with it, so I try to not visit it everyday . At the beginning I was like 24/7 on this site, which in hindsight was really not smart for me personally. I am honestly sad that this site also changed your attitude towards suicide (just like me) because that is not the idea of SS. Literally all things we do are somehow motivated by selfishness, which basically keeps you alive or content however that may look like (living, suiciding, drugging, loving...w/e).
I mean personally I am selfish for wanting to CTB. Wish you well!

 

[Robbyna]

This site has given me a place to vent and feel heard about my darkest wish to CTB. I feel so much relief at not being alone in this deep longing as well as all the complicated emotions associated with it, like strong survival instinct and depression. I don't feel this site has encouraged my ideation, but it has presented methods I'd never have thought of on my own. That said I've tried slitting my wrists which I would never have done had I found this site sooner. In a strange way it's kept me alive for the past couple months, and made me less impulsive. I can openly share without judgement, and this has helped me calm down the sense of urgency about CTB. I have all the time i need to plan, or even try and recover from depression; which is something I see encouraged here. I'm so grateful for this site and all the users.

 

[Soul]

I'm terminally ill and came here looking for a way to end my life when I choose to. I found some ideas. I found wonderful people. I found an atmosphere where I can openly discuss my intentions, misgivings and philosophy for the first time in my life without being judged, and it feels like a lovely warm bath of acceptance. (We also discuss music and humour and metaphysics and cats.) I've found people I can reach out to when they're in need of some nonjudgemental sympathy, and watched wonderful people reach out to others with beautiful warmth and understanding.

 

[The.End]

(We also discuss music and humour and metaphysics and cats.)

I really do love cats, I can talk about them all day.

 

[ExitTheDay]

This for has both affected me negatively and positively, Positive being I can let out my true feelings and read other posts from users that are also going through a lot and try to help them, Negative being some users that I've seen post on here CTB

 

[Chalken]

It has made me feel less alone, seeing so many like-minded people who are suffering greatly. Also, it's the only place I know that allows discussion about methods of suicide and stuff alike. The people on this site are non-judgmental and supportive, as well.

 

[pleasethistime]

Great helpful people here. I cant tolerate real life. Come here very often while waiting for the best day to ctb.

 

[WaterUnder]

I feel neither encouraged nor discouraged from killing myself. So it hasn't affected the (un)likelihood of my taking action. (I had tried to kill myself some years ago.)

The website affects me in that I know there must be others here who have similar reasons, views, and life circumstances and that makes me feel less alone and less hopeless for some reason.

 

[Help_Me]

This forum is the safest place for sharing my thoughts and finding / providing support (if anybody needs). I was in huge panic before, cause i thought there is no such place. I feared i'll have to suffer more and more and won't be able to find instructions on acessible methods and so on. Now ... i feel better. No joking. I mean my life is still done, i am completely done, there is no way to fix things up and i know i will ctb for sure, but (!) i just feel better realizing i have learned a lot about methods and i have a plan now, i have purpose. I know this sounds iirational and funny, but i finally found another goal in my messed life : my goal is to ctb and i'll have to do a lot of things (i think i choose inert gas method, the 2nd most reliable after N). Unfortunately i can't order N cause i will get arrested and sentenced to 25 years of prison (f*** law system) and i literally have to stay on this bastard planet more (and suffer more) to be able to make inert gas method possible. But at least now i am not suffering from being alone in my thoughts and lack of knowledge of methods. I am on emotions now and probably it's hard to understand all this crap i wrote here, but i want to sincerely thank this community and forum administrators for making my suffering a bit easier. I know i will die, but all of you really make me suffer less. Just for you to know : my gf failed at that (made it worse), my relatives failed, my friends failed. YOU [the community] did it. Whoever reads this now, thank you...

 

[First loss]

It made me more sure in myself and my undying wish to nail myself at last.

 

[Santiago]

I don't know to be honest. Hasn't done much for me at all. Yet I find myself here every now and then

 

[soda_pressed]

This site hasn't made me want to kill myself, I felt like shit before signing up. All it's done is provided easier and less painful ways to get there.
It's given us an outlet and a safe space to talk about mental health as well. I really love this site as there's nothing like it elsewhere.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

It's the only place you can talk about your thoughts and feelings openly about ctb. It helps to talk and I believe by doing so also prevents people wanting to ctb and turns their life around.

 

[No_more]

This site has put me off wanting to starve myself to death. I thought starvation would be painless but people on this site have taught me that this is not the case.

I feel like I can talk openly and find out information on this site. I hope it keeps going.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

I really do love cats, I can talk about them all day.

Yes, I'm sure we can all agree that Cats are the best thing in the entire universe.

 

[Swoods]

This site makes me feel less alone in the world. Finally some people that understand and are not judgmental or want to put me away for feeling the way I do.

I have learned much and it made me look at how ctb will make my wife and mother feel so I can openly talk to them and discuss my decision to ctb and not blindside them with it. They are very understanding even tho they may not agree with me.

 

[crimea_river]

I was lurking on this site for quite some time before signing up. Almost an observational mission I suppose and I've not been a member for long.

It's affected me by providing a sense of community with generally a level of empathy that I've not seen elsewhere on the internet and a source for learning and support.

It feels like this site has some substance and a bonded, although diverse membership and long may that continue/evolve.

 

[Orin]

At first i was going to this "anti-suicide" forum. But all i got was this generic, meaningless, vague, cut-and-paste message stating things like "you matter" or "it's gonna get better". It didn't help at all. I felt like i was a forum full of bots rather than real people.

But fortunately i found this site. And after reading just a few posts now i don't feel so alone. I feel that i can talk openly about my issues because you guys are going through similar things as well.

Ironically, this forum is having the opposite effect on me.... i still think of suicide almost everyday but the depression isn't as extreme as it was before. Sometimes i'm not even depressed at all, and thoughts of suicide are just a sort of contingency plan in case my situation gets worse.

 

[Retched]

My attempt last year lead me to this forum. I was still searching for methods, after mine failed. I found a group of like minded individuals. A place I could talk, vent, be understood. And yes, I found information. I read through the mega threads and learned every possible technique - almost by heart. Enough information that I have everything I need for SN. And after more research, I bought a gun.

Then, a funny thing happened. Friendships. People who actively talked me down off of panicked suicidal perches. People who saw sparks of life in me. People who encouraged me to live minute by minute on some days. People whose pain I witnessed and validated. And I got back witnessing and validation in return. Heartache also lies here, when a member disappears it is no different than mourning for a real life person. Because they are real.

Fast forward & yes I have my methods at hand. I haven't used them. What have I used? Real bonds. The real bonds I've made gave me something to live, not for, but with. I'll never forget the irony of having other suicidal people talk me through what I was experiencing. To talk me down of my panic, my intentions. I still frequent this site. It feels like the only place I can be free of my mask that everything is ok. Because it's not. And it doesn't have to be.

I'm not actively trying to ctb anymore. This is not due to traditional therapy or meds. It's due to being able to be real. And have the supports of people who know what is going on on my mind. Yes we are unique, however, we are broken in the same way- a way that led us here. Do I still struggle? Absolutely. Am I as desperate as I was when I stumbled upon this place? Not at all. Do I wish everyone here could find a reason, just one reason, to keep going? Yes. Do I respect the choice to ctb? Yes. Will I actively seek ctb someday? Maybe. Will it always be heartbreaking when some one goes? Forever.

 

[DyingWitsie]

This forum is the safest place for sharing my thoughts and finding / providing support (if anybody needs). I was in huge panic before, cause i thought there is no such place. I feared i'll have to suffer more and more and won't be able to find instructions on acessible methods and so on. Now ... i feel better. No joking. I mean my life is still done, i am completely done, there is no way to fix things up and i know i will ctb for sure, but (!) i just feel better realizing i have learned a lot about methods and i have a plan now, i have purpose. I know this sounds iirational and funny, but i finally found another goal in my messed life : my goal is to ctb and i'll have to do a lot of things (i think i choose inert gas method, the 2nd most reliable after N). Unfortunately i can't order N cause i will get arrested and sentenced to 25 years of prison (f*** law system) and i literally have to stay on this bastard planet more (and suffer more) to be able to make inert gas method possible. But at least now i am not suffering from being alone in my thoughts and lack of knowledge of methods. I am on emotions now and probably it's hard to understand all this crap i wrote here, but i want to sincerely thank this community and forum administrators for making my suffering a bit easier. I know i will die, but all of you really make me suffer less. Just for you to know : my gf failed at that (made it worse), my relatives failed, my friends failed. YOU [the community] did it. Whoever reads this now, thank you...

Believe it or not, im grateful for your existence. Although i have failed to ctb so many times, it is comforting to come to place with no "pro-life" BS after coming so close to liberation. One day i will get to my land of eternal peace, until then thank you to every member on this forum. As much as im hoping to die, i am super grateful for this forum. Hope we all find what we are looking for

 

[Superfluous]

If I had not found this forum, my suicide attempt would have been ill-conceived and doomed to failure. The resources available here and the quality information I've found/received from other members here have provided me with methods that will greatly improve my chances of success.

In addition, I've received support when needed and I hope I have provided help and support to others.

My one regret is that I didn't find this forum sooner. Had I done so, I would have devoted my time to improving and extending the Wiki.

 

[postmortem]

I'm surrounded by pro-lifers who remind me at every instance how precious life is and what a disgrace I am for trying to end it. Coming across this website was a mere coincidence, but man, am I glad for it. I feel like I've held my breath for so long and when I'm on here, I can finally breathe. I can talk about what I feel without feeling ashamed. This is among the only safe spaces I have found in life. Ironically, it's with strangers instead of with my own family and friends.

 

[Faraway1990]

Honestly? I already decided to ctb home before I found this place but the way I was going to do it was painful and messy. I found a way I'm happy with and easy for EMTs to clean up. I'm glad I found this community too if I knew it existed I would have joined ages ago because long before I was ready to ctb I've always been pro choice because I understand how shitty this life can be.

 

[WideAwake]

I hope she's enjoying the peace she always wanted.

Reading the news article made me really sad, all I could think about is how my suicide will effect my own mother.

I don't want my suicide destroying my families lives, I want them to get over my death ASAP and get on with their lives. I'm sure your daughter would have wanted the same for you.

She's not enjoying anything. She's dead. When you're dead you no longer have the luxury of "feeling" anything. This may sound cold and callous, but it's true. And it's something to consider before exiting.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

Has been tremendously helpful for me. Wish I'd found it earlier. A special thank-you goes to @Soul for all the help she's given me and for just being a wonderful person in general. I learned so much here and found a method I'd never even have thought of on my own, that being tert-amyl alcohol. Lots of information on other methods, some very interesting people, and generally an excellent atmosphere.

 

[Sailfisher]

It provides a place to discuss these feelings openly, which is not usually possible. I think it ultimately led me to decide to change my mind, or at least give life another chance.

 

[PatKat]

SS has given me a place to truly express and vent my feelings. Yes the day after I found it I used PS and was found unconscious and not breathing, sent to a hospital, then to a psych ward. After I left the hospital I attempted again and the belt broke because they took all my rope and all I could find was a shitty belt. I like that I can speak how I feel, am I getting worse, or am I getting better. It is nice to know what helps, and what doesnt help. My time is running out though.

 

[Jolene40]

This site has helped me keep going! I desperately don't want to die but am suffering horrifically. My health has only declined and has been enough to test any human to the end. Anyone in that position being told oh it's ok just be positive or crap like it will get better - when it has shown zero signs of such makes me feel so hideous there are no words. Being able to actually openly talk with others who understand has been the only comfort that I have. Even if you are about to drop dead there is nowhere to say I can't handle this and want some control over my body- there is nowhere. This is the only place.
I have never ever felt encouraged at all. I am sure there are places/ groups that do that but I don't see it here.