Venting How good do your reasons need to be?

[antithesis]

Imposter syndrome connoisseur here.
How many reasons does one need? I always feel like it's not enough.
What are your reasons? Are they ever enough to justify ctb? Or do you focus on your feelings?

My list is this, but it never feels enough. I just feel apathetic.

• Abusive childhood (gaslighting, insults, beatings, humiliations, eating from the floor, no privacy, no room door, incestuous acts, etc)
• Depression, anxiety, trichotillomania and pica. Obviously, PTSD. Huge social anxiety. Probable ED but it does not show.
• Very toxic relationship partner choices in the past. Got raped a few times, surprisingly not traumatized by it much.
• Disabled, autistic woman, late diagnosed, suffered all my life because of it. Since diagnosis, I suffer from insomnia and terrible nightmares.
• School and work harassment all my life. No work atm. Huge work phobia anyway. Feel like a wasted potential.

But I always tell myself: Look, I'm a woman, I'm young and attractive, I could find any good guy or whatever! Get married, get my life together. I have very few friends but at least they're supportive! Free healthcare here and I live in a nice city! I have a pet cat who's adorable! My whole life's ahead of me!

So after these intrusive thoughts, I hesitate to ctb. Even though I am so mentally exhausted and have never felt any sparks in my heart.

 

[HereUntilApril]

To me, I don't think it matters how good your reasons have to be to CTB. It's either we do it or we don't do it, and it's a choice that should be for us to decide. Looking at your list, I feel extremely sorry for you. I hope that you can have peace, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[nool]

Exactly what HereUntilApril said. Everyone has their reasons, big or small. Everyone has their own breaking point as well. Something that seems small to one will be huge to another. It's up to you, and only you, to decide what you want to do; whether that be recover or to ctb.

I wish you all the best

 

[wtg]

Being alive is a good enough reason for me

 

[[Lord Void]]

If someone was considering it because of circumstances that can be changed, I'd urge them to stay especially if they want to do anything in life. Even then I can understand how someone can break at the prospect of years of suffering.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I don't believe the reasons matter that much, they are different for all of us. For me, ctb should be the final resort, with being alive simply no longer an option.