Venting How far I've fallen

[symphony]

I used to have it all. In high school, I was the top of my class in almost every metric. I got massive merit scholarships for further education and summer internships at local universities as a research assistant. With music, I made almost all the honor bands, played solos, formed a few student-run chamber groups, and played in highly competitive youth orchestra. I was involved in a few competitive academic extracurriculars and always ended up leading the team. I tutored and taught music lessons in my free time.

My good fortune continued a bit even into college. I was doing extraordinarily well in all my classes, earning the respect of professors and peers alike. I got jobs helping with teaching and research. I loved the things I got to spend my time doing.

But gradually, over time, things fell apart. At the time of writing, I haven't changed out of my pajamas for 2 days and have only left my room when I needed to get food or use the restroom. I can't even focus enough to get through a 20 minute episode on Netflix. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I can't be bothered to exert more than the bare minimum effort I need to survive.

Everyone I've known has always told me how I have so much potential. I used to have big dreams, as many people in my life know well. I was ensured enthusiastically they were well within in my reach. Oh, how disappointed they'll all be when they hear I'd taken my life before even earning my degree.

 

[Why Me?]

Have you tried medication? It seems weird that you would go from being so productive to not productive at all, I'm wondering if it's depression that medication can take care of. If not, what do you think happened?

 

[symphony]

Have you tried medication? It seems weird that you would go from being so productive to not productive at all, I'm wondering if it's depression that medication can take care of. If not, what do you think happened?

Yeah, it's depression. I'm treatment-resistant.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Have you reached out to school counselors or tried antidepressants yet? Did something bad happen or has your brain chemistry just fucked you over like mine has? I just started taking antidepressants and I'm feeling a little tiny bit better. I still can't get out of bed though. Maybe in a few more weeks that will change. I was supposed to start a new job but I just couldn't do it. Idk what I'm going to do.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. Depression is so fucking hard. You are not alone in your struggles. *hugs*

 

[symphony]

Have you reached out to school counselors or tried antidepressants yet? Did something bad happen or has your brain chemistry just fucked you over like mine has? I just started taking antidepressants and I'm feeling a little tiny bit better. I still can't get out of bed though. Maybe in a few more weeks that will change. I was supposed to start a new job but I just couldn't do it. Idk what I'm going to do.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. Depression is so fucking hard. You are not alone in your struggles. *hugs*

Yeah. Maybe I should have been a little more specific. I've been in treatment (including meds) over the past few years. I've taken the past year completely off school, primarily so I could get residential treatment. Alas, nothing has helped.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Yeah. Maybe I should have been a little more specific. I've been in treatment (including meds) over the past few years. I've taken the past year completely off school, primarily so I could get residential treatment. Alas, nothing has helped.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I wish I could get residential treatment. I'm too poor and state insurance would probably put me somewhere hellish. It sounds like you have family support? I hope you do.

 

[symphony]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I wish I could get residential treatment. I'm too poor and state insurance would probably put me somewhere hellish. It sounds like you have family support? I hope you do.

God, that sucks, I'm so sorry. Our current healthcare system locks so many people out. I have "family support" in the sense that I don't have to worry about not having a place to live or food to eat until I can get financially independent, but I can't exactly be vulnerable with my family about sensitive personal matters either.

 

[Red Scare]

At the time of writing, I haven't changed out of my pajamas for 2 days and have only left my room when I needed to get food or use the restroom. I can't even focus enough to get through a 20 minute episode on Netflix. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I can't be bothered to exert more than the bare minimum effort I need to survive.

You just described the last 9 months of my life. Although my problems can be traced back to a very traumatic and tragic event that ruined my life... can you pinpoint any event or thing that precipitated this depression? Is your depression episodic, meaning you are just in a slump?

 

[symphony]

You just described the last 9 months of my life. Although my problems can be traced back to a very traumatic and tragic event that ruined my life... can you pinpoint any event or thing that precipitated this depression? Is your depression episodic, meaning you are just in a slump?

I'm so sorry you're in a similar position.

I have recurrent episodes of depression. This most recent one started almost four years ago, but I've had them on and off from a pretty young age. Never this long or severe though, at least not before now. There doesn't seem to be a real root "cause".

 

[Al Cappella]

I'm so sorry that's been your experience. Truly. And I can really relate, on so many levels. I was in the world's best cooking school (name any TV chef, chances are they've come from there, like Bobby Flay) when it all went tits up. I never recovered. Just writing that hurts in a way that's just, well there's no point complaining, is there. I would just love to know what it was all for, but of course there's no answer…

 

[FindingPeace8]

God, that sucks, I'm so sorry. Our current healthcare system locks so many people out. I have "family support" in the sense that I don't have to worry about not having a place to live or food to eat until I can get financially independent, but I can't exactly be vulnerable with my family about sensitive personal matters either.

I'm glad to hear your basic needs are taken care of by your family. That truly is a blessing. I know what you mean about not being able to be vulnerable with them though. And tbh it's embarrassing but I've been wearing the same sweatpants and shirt for 4 days

 

[waitingforrest]

I always sacrificed everything for academics, got great grades. Now I am washed up with all this potential that people keep talking about.

But I don't see the point of trying to live up to it when there's no one to come home to. Or anyone to even scold be for coming home late again. It's just me, alone.

I'm sorry that your depression is resistant to treatments. It can feel hopeless to keep trying new treatments and have them fail again and again. And have the thoughts of what could have been or unfilled expectations and dreams haunt you.

I am glad that you are taking care of yourself, even if it's the bare minimum. It's just tempting to sleep and ctb when nothing brings the slightest bit of joy.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. This life can be very depressing and I know that it can be awful when things just get worse. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you are tired of everything, I am also so tired of living. I wish you the best in whatever happens.