Lost in a Dream
He/him - Metal head
- Feb 22, 2020
- 1,744
I feel like I need to rant about this, but I don't even know if it's going to help at all. I guess I will just post it anyway.
Okay, here is the situation. I've been putting off doing my taxes because most of the time I feel like it's too much work to do it. Even trying to do it online just takes more motivation than I even have. Why is that? Well, the reason is simple. The reason that I even have to do it in the first place is to file everything so that the IRS can be certain that they stole enough from my income to pay for whatever pet project the greedy bastards in the government want to use it for. If those taxes were legitimately being used to help others, maybe then it wouldn't feel like theft, but that isn't the case. If it turns out that they haven't stolen enough, they will want me to hand over a little more. The tax return could be a good thing I guess, but it isn't something they are giving away for free. It's just a small incentive for people to keep themselves enslaved. I kind of went off on a tangent here because it isn't the reason I am posting.
The reason is that I finally decided to try and get it done and over with today so it wasn't just hanging over me all the time. Unfortunately, I can't even find the "important" papers that I need to even get this done. I know they are around here somewhere, but these fucking papers are just scattered all over the place. They are mixed up with medical bills and other random shit that is just there. Most of them are inside of unopened envelopes that I just throw on the ground because I don't even want to look at them. Also, everything that I own is just piled up in the goddamn corner, mostly in boxes and I feel like I'm getting buried alive or something like that. Maybe I am turning into a hoarder, I don't even fucking know. I'm stuck living with family so everything is packed into one little room and I feel like I can't go anywhere else until this stupid Covid-19 bullshit is over. The things I have would fit nicely into an apartment or house if I could rent one (and be organized), but nothing seems to be available in my area. Maybe something will open up soon, I don't know, but I'm getting sick of waiting.
Some days I just want to pour gasoline all over everything and burn it right before I kill myself. I wish I owned a gun so that I could blow my head off and then fall into the fire. It would be an effective two-method type of thing I guess, but I don't know if I would be brave enough to try it. Maybe in time I'll get to that point that I will stop caring about anyone and just get it over with. I thought I would be able to wait until I am 30 to CTB or maybe even after, but I don't even know if I can do that anymore. I decided to try meds again and they seemed to make a difference for a little while, but that was probably just placebo, like it always seems to be when I try a new med. Smoking a joint has always been far more effective and I've been smoking a lot more weed recently than I have in quite a while.
What is the point of waiting when I live in a world that I don't even want to be a part of? What is the point of being a wage slave until I am old enough to retire, only to get screwed over by a government that doesn't give a shit about me when my physical health deteriorates? If I was dead right now, none of that would even matter. Why can't I just stop caring about others and just get it over with now? I just want to die and it's all I have been thinking about every day for the last 2 weeks.
Also, I want to mention that I don't need some smartass coming on here and saying, "You live in Murica, just buy a gun hur dur!" To those who would say this, I want to say that it isn't even that simple you stupid fuckers. To be able to own one legally would require a permit and if I tried to buy one illegally, that could potentially put me at risk of all sorts of legal trouble that I don't want to get mixed up in because it could prevent me from being able to die when I want to. Also, there would be too big of a risk of it not working correctly, even if I had one, so I guess I should go with something else.
I know this is kind of long, but I just had to say it somewhere. I don't even want to be honest with my therapist anymore because I'm tired of waiting to die. I'm always tired and I feel angry all the time and I keep thinking about death. Maybe I should buy a rope online that is long enough that I can decapitate myself with my car and a tree. Then I could get it over with quick and call the police so that they are the ones who find my remains. I'm just so messed up in my head right now and I feel trapped.
Okay, here is the situation. I've been putting off doing my taxes because most of the time I feel like it's too much work to do it. Even trying to do it online just takes more motivation than I even have. Why is that? Well, the reason is simple. The reason that I even have to do it in the first place is to file everything so that the IRS can be certain that they stole enough from my income to pay for whatever pet project the greedy bastards in the government want to use it for. If those taxes were legitimately being used to help others, maybe then it wouldn't feel like theft, but that isn't the case. If it turns out that they haven't stolen enough, they will want me to hand over a little more. The tax return could be a good thing I guess, but it isn't something they are giving away for free. It's just a small incentive for people to keep themselves enslaved. I kind of went off on a tangent here because it isn't the reason I am posting.
The reason is that I finally decided to try and get it done and over with today so it wasn't just hanging over me all the time. Unfortunately, I can't even find the "important" papers that I need to even get this done. I know they are around here somewhere, but these fucking papers are just scattered all over the place. They are mixed up with medical bills and other random shit that is just there. Most of them are inside of unopened envelopes that I just throw on the ground because I don't even want to look at them. Also, everything that I own is just piled up in the goddamn corner, mostly in boxes and I feel like I'm getting buried alive or something like that. Maybe I am turning into a hoarder, I don't even fucking know. I'm stuck living with family so everything is packed into one little room and I feel like I can't go anywhere else until this stupid Covid-19 bullshit is over. The things I have would fit nicely into an apartment or house if I could rent one (and be organized), but nothing seems to be available in my area. Maybe something will open up soon, I don't know, but I'm getting sick of waiting.
Some days I just want to pour gasoline all over everything and burn it right before I kill myself. I wish I owned a gun so that I could blow my head off and then fall into the fire. It would be an effective two-method type of thing I guess, but I don't know if I would be brave enough to try it. Maybe in time I'll get to that point that I will stop caring about anyone and just get it over with. I thought I would be able to wait until I am 30 to CTB or maybe even after, but I don't even know if I can do that anymore. I decided to try meds again and they seemed to make a difference for a little while, but that was probably just placebo, like it always seems to be when I try a new med. Smoking a joint has always been far more effective and I've been smoking a lot more weed recently than I have in quite a while.
What is the point of waiting when I live in a world that I don't even want to be a part of? What is the point of being a wage slave until I am old enough to retire, only to get screwed over by a government that doesn't give a shit about me when my physical health deteriorates? If I was dead right now, none of that would even matter. Why can't I just stop caring about others and just get it over with now? I just want to die and it's all I have been thinking about every day for the last 2 weeks.
Also, I want to mention that I don't need some smartass coming on here and saying, "You live in Murica, just buy a gun hur dur!" To those who would say this, I want to say that it isn't even that simple you stupid fuckers. To be able to own one legally would require a permit and if I tried to buy one illegally, that could potentially put me at risk of all sorts of legal trouble that I don't want to get mixed up in because it could prevent me from being able to die when I want to. Also, there would be too big of a risk of it not working correctly, even if I had one, so I guess I should go with something else.
I know this is kind of long, but I just had to say it somewhere. I don't even want to be honest with my therapist anymore because I'm tired of waiting to die. I'm always tired and I feel angry all the time and I keep thinking about death. Maybe I should buy a rope online that is long enough that I can decapitate myself with my car and a tree. Then I could get it over with quick and call the police so that they are the ones who find my remains. I'm just so messed up in my head right now and I feel trapped.
