How does your suicidality shape you?

[blue_muse]

In uncertain times; mine can make me open to manipulation, gaslighting, mental abus etc.

In more certain times I'm better at taking others' mind games at face value and ignoring them.

One instance was when my relative's, who brought me up, offspring told the same relative that *** own offspring had diagnosed social problems. Really, my relative's offspring spun that story to excuse *** own offspring's bad manners. It was a tactic to take advantage of my empathy; there was a lot of Grey Rock (psychological technique worth looking up) instead of saying "Thank you". I spent a considerable amount of money on my relative's offspring's own offspring. But, I come from a family of narcissistic bullies. Thus, how can I expect anything more of them.


What kind of person does your suicidality make you?

 

[keitaro]

interesting question. i think it just makes me feel more detached from irl people.

 

[blue_muse]

interesting question. i think it just makes me feel more detached from irl people.

I asked, because there's a misconception that suicidality = vulnerability. SS members like you squash the stereotype.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I became very reclusive and extremely anxious.
Oh.. and I can't do the small talk thing anymore

 

[Hope:-)]

It doesn't. Who I am is very separate from the suicidality. I just see suicide as something essential for me to do. My life situation is no longer viable and cant improve in key ways I need it to. I know I am still that jokey smiley person I once was...and I will be that again in the next life :-)

 

[self.destractive]

its very very difficult for anyone to get a hold of me. i never really answer phone calls, and i never reach out to people. im an unreliable friend and family member, and i lie a lot to avoid things. my room is very cluttered and dirty, and my hygiene could use a sure lotta work -
im bad at keeping promises, im bad at keeping track of important things, im financially unstable, its increasingly harder to form strong connections and bonds with others, etc etc.

i wish i could say this hasn't shaped me, or become me, but man. it sure does affect a lot.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

It made me go full emo shitpost and i now dress like a victorian officer worthy of the black parade.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

its very very difficult for anyone to get a hold of me. i never really answer phone calls, and i never reach out to people. im an unreliable friend and family member, and i lie a lot to avoid things. my room is very cluttered and dirty, and my hygiene could use a sure lotta work -
im bad at keeping promises, im bad at keeping track of important things, im financially unstable, its increasingly harder to form strong connections and bonds with others, etc etc.

i wish i could say this hasn't shaped me, or become me, but man. it sure does affect a lot.

Same
I'm checked out

 

[FuneralCry]

Being suicidal is all that I know and I have never wanted to live. I could never not be suicidal no matter what. It is hard to answer the question, but wanting to die for so long has made me see how horrible and pointless existing really is. The longer that I stay alive, the more that I want to leave.

 

[Zerengin96]

became a total recluse and kinda enjoy this way of life right now, unfortunately i cant live this way forever so i will have to ctb soon

Being suicidal is all that I know and I have never wanted to live. I could never not be suicidal no matter what. It is hard to answer the question, but wanting to die for so long has made me see how horrible and pointless existing really is. The longer that I stay alive, the more that I want to leave.

What is holding you back from ending it?

 

[outatime_85]

I have lived the way I have for such a long time (I am used to it being a routine of sorts).

But, I know that I am not in a good place. (lack of social skills, the inability to hold eye contact or long conversations, etc.)

However, I don't know if I have any more time to correct things.

Sometimes I want to continue my adventure, maybe finally figure out the equation of my life.

Some days, I believe my adventure has come to an end.

 

[GoodMourning]

It began as a coping mechanism, by now it has become a way of life. It's made me hard as a diamond, tbh.

 

[FuneralCry]

What is holding you back from ending it?

It is the fact that ctb is very difficult for me, I have limited access to methods and I fear the method failing which would make my life worse. Suicide is not easy and if it was easy then there would be no forum full of people suffering. Since I fear ctb I just endure life for now which is so tiring, but eventually I will have to find a way to leave.