How does death of a loved one affect your suicidality?

[stilhavinightmares]

A loved one of mine just passed away last night. They lived a full life. I am going to have to travel to see them for whatever services are decided upon. When someone I love dies when I actively want to die, it usually makes me feel jealous and SO many mixed emotions seeing my family grieving. Does it usually make you want to die more or want to die less?

Not sure which way it will go but so far it's making me rethink my plan to die in a few weeks because of the timing. Ugh.

 

[DarkRose]

I don't have any recent experiences with this but I think it would make me want to die more.
I would impact me because its a loved one.
Also the fact the person didn't want to die and I actually WANTED to die isn't fair.
So yeah you could describe it as some sort of jealousy.

I wish you a lot of luck with your plan!

 

[pinkbluebutch]

It makes me want to die less since I know how upsetting two deaths in such close proximity to each other can be, especially since oftentimes the person who died DIDN'T want to. I know we're all used to the guilting to stay alive but it really does make me feel guilty that I'll still be alive and they won't, and I would hate to cause excessive pain to others due to an inconveniently timed death.

 

[ryo the frog]

it henders it. my family dealt with a few deaths last year. while I didn't grieve as hard compared to others; I was distraught which evolved to this awkward emptiness. though what really does it is seeing how it affects those around me. how much they were hurting because of it.
it left a hell of an impression on me, especially seeing a parent mourn their child. i'd hate to willingly put my parents, my siblings, and others through that, especially so soon after three deaths. so I postponed my ctb date to years later. maybe by then I could get my head out of my ass and find something to live for that isn't solely for the sake of others.

though now that I read the title again I'd say that my desire to die doesn't falter.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The most recent person to die in my life was my mom, going on two years ago. She was the last person I had in my life, as everyone else had passed-away previously. I knew when she passed I would be entirely alone. To be fair, I've wanted to ctb for more than the last 2 decades, but I knew she needed me, so I did what I had to do to stick around. I would never have been able to ctb while she was alive, as it would have hurt her too badly. With all of that said, with my mom's passing, I am now free to do what I've wanted to do for so long, and that's where I'm headed, as soon as I can get there, after getting my affairs in order. SO, I guess, in essence, her passing made it easier for me to ctb. That's about the only good thing I can think of about being alone...............not having to concern myself with whether my ctb is going to hurt anyone. Now, it's truly all about me and what's best for me.

 

[Fulminare]

I don't think I've ever really grieved because I see death as something peaceful, so whenever someone in my family died I thought "so what?". So I'd say I feel indifferent. Maybe a little jealous. It does make me think of how much shit they escaped by dying and it motivates me to do the same.

 

[Wannagonow]

My mom passed away last spring and my wife 4 years ago. I've found it very hard to sort of get thru all the stages of death and to complete the grieving process. My mind tells me if I complete the grieving process, I'll forget about them. And I don't want to do that. Both of their deaths ramped up my already constant thoughts on ctb. Not sure why I couldn't make it happen