Discussion How do you put it into words?

[soldelunae]

I've had suicidal urges for as long as I've had the right level of consciousness to be mentally ill. I tried to CTB at 12, 14, and 17, each time foiled through a lack of knowledge or - in the latter bit - just a bit too little luck. Every time, I procrastinated for months on how to articulate this feeling to family, friends, loved ones in a way that makes sense, because it seems like only people who're actively waiting for the bus know how it feels and can begin to properly empathize.

I love my family, I do. I have little siblings who aren't going to know how to process it. I have some good friends. I have coworkers, teachers, mentors. That doesn't really change the fact that I've known who I am for a very long time and this isn't a life worth living for me. I have such severe OCD and I've known from a very young age there's no more powerful way to take control of my own life than to end it. There's no uncertainty, no worrying about how I'm going to read (or fail to read) the future. It's just one perfect, final plan, and then no more. I'm medicated, I've gone to therapy, and nothing changes the fact that no matter how great things feel or how in control I am in the moment, it always goes back to CTB.

I know I don't HAVE to, but I want to leave letters or some sort of explanation or something this time. I know what I'm going to do, I know when I'm going to do it, I know it's going to work. I know how I'D feel if I cared about someone and they blindsided me like that, even though I'd clearly understand the "Why" of it, and I'm not sure how to articulate it to ease the minds or at least answer the questions of the people in my life. I've got over twenty ongoing drafts by now, but nothing's satisfied me. I don't think what I'm doing is selfish, I don't necessarily feel bad, I'll apologize for the hurt it's going to cause but I'm not going to apologize for doing what I need to do or anything like that.

Having yapped all that, any thoughts? Do I just forego the writing altogether? Any insightful sources or letters from previous passengers (or yourselves) that might provide inspiration?

 

[soon4good]

It's a mystery and I'm trying to figure out what the FUCK the solution to it is, or if there is one. OCD has to be one of the most cruel things YOUR OWN MIND could do to itself. Seriously, it always comes back in some way and fucking just fucks your shit up. I don't know I don't know if i should know I don't know what I want to know I don't care I don't know if I should care I do care I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what doing this compulsion (venting/typing out thoughts) even achieves, I feel like I have no idea what part is OCD what is not or is it all OCD or am I just making it up and AAAAAAAH fuck. Never a peaceful moment, I constantly see myself go through with one of two of my plans for CTB. That's the obsession, the compulsion is emotionally venting typing whatever and it always ends with me paranoid and with ruined relationships with anyone even strangers online. Sorry, I'm on some stimulants and mightve hijacked the thread a bit?

At least for me it's largely just some trauma response and the usual OCD obsession->compulsion cycle that leads to self-harm or idk if I would call them attempts but closer to an attempt.